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My husband has been in nursing care now for almost a year and it does gradually get a bit better. Trust me - Being a caregiver has to be the hardest job in the world. I am unable to care for him anymore due to health issues of my own. I feel for you. He may be upset for a few weeks but will eventually accept the routine. Visiting him every day is totally NOT the way to handle it, you will get sick yourself and will be no good to him then at all. He will handle the routine much better if you are not there all the time. I am in my 80's also and cannot in any way pick him up from the many falls. Maybe your children could visit their father more frequently. We have worked out a twice a week visiting schedule with my son and daughter an me and it seems to work OK. Good luck and stop feeling so guilty you are in NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS CONDITION and you deserve a bit of a life yourself after all the years of self sacrifice - Hang in there. GOOD LUCK!!
My husband has been in nursing care now for almost a year and it does gradually get a bit better. Trust me - Being a caregiver has to be the hardest job in the world. I am unable to care for him anymore due to health issues of my own. I feel for you. He may be upset for a few weeks but will eventually accept the routine. Visiting him every day is totally NOT the way to handle it, you will get sick yourself and will be no good to him then at all. He will handle the routine much better if you are not there all the time. I am in my 80's also and cannot in any way pick him up from the many falls. Maybe your children could visit their father more frequently. We have worked out a twice a week visiting schedule with my son and daughter an me and it seems to work OK. Good luck and stop feeling so guilty you are in NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS CONDITION and you deserve a bit of a life yourself after all the years of self sacrifice - Hang in there. GOOD LUCK!! By-the-way my husband is totally blind so he has a double whammy poor guy/
You will become burnt out and take I'll Yourself.
AL will mean you're in a very similar situation as being at home like before as you'll be in an apartment together, and you'll, again, be his primary caregiver but for on call assistance if he falls, needs showers, etc. Plus, someone else needs to be moving him around in his wheelchair in all aspects of his life. You risk hurting yourself physically and mentally, and then he and you could be worse.
Maybe a home that has long term and memory care for him and an assisted living apartment or studio in the same professional home/facility would work. Then you could see him often, be comforted knowing he's cared for, and if/when you need help, it'd be there for you, too.
Although it's hard to say, I don't know that it's a good idea to visit him every day in long term care, especially at your age and all you've gone through. You've got to be worn out. Maybe tell/ask your sons to visit him every day you're not there. Even if you find a combination long term/memory care and AL apt for yourself, visits from your sons for both of you will be good. They can bring in those things that you and he need/want (like household items, small no cook groc. items, etc.) that will help you both really retire and rest. Get them to take over paying the bills, too. The fewer things you've got to manage now, the better. You've been doing it all for a long time, plus being a 24/7 caregiver. You deserve it, and you must take care of yourself, too. There's no shame in taking care of yourself, and doing what's best for him at this time in his life and yours. He surely wants what's best for you, too.
Take care, and good luck in whatever decisions you make.
💞
Talk to the director of nursing at the rehab about his lack of eating. It can be from numerous things. Their dietician should be involved in his meals and keeping him in line with his glucose levels.
You will be able to visit your husband as much as you want. You can dine with him as well as enjoying the activities you can still do together.
Do not feel guilty. Be thankful you are capable of making sure the rest of your husband’s days are ones you can share with him in a safe environment. Tell him you love him everyday. It may not seem to register, but he hears every word.
it is time for you both to rest.
I am so very thankful that you found this website. Please come back often. I have found comfort many times plus great practical advice. Please listen to your sons. You are in a difficult time, but you must take care of yourself. I visit my mother almost everyday in Assisted Living. I have met several couples where one spouse lives in Assisted Living, and the other spouse lives at home.
They sold their home and moved closer to me so I could help out. At first my dad still drove, but after an accident, he ga e it up. We found a place that offered a range of services. Mom gets a high level and dad still mostly takes care of himself. They are together and we now have mom on hospice tho she shows no signs of passing anytime soon. This gives them the added benefit of some free support including a weekly nurse who can come 24/7 should she fall or get a uti.
Please think seriously about this option so you can get some much needed support .
Listen to your sons advice and that of the people here. The care of your husband has become too difficult for you. Would even your husband want you to risk your health for him?
You have no reason to feel guilty. You have provided his care for as long as you have been able. Sometimes it takes more courage and compassion to let go and realize it is time for professional care.
This must be terribly difficult for you. Time for you to take care of you and accept and value the support offered by your sons. They must be wonderful men.
My advice is to have your sons or friends help find a good placement for him, and you nurse yourself, pamper yourself for awhile. It is an awful time to go through. Be gentle with yourself, and accept support. Prayers and big (((HUGS!)))
I tried to tell her that if he wouldn’t have had the heart surgery he would have died. She questioned herself. Made me sad to see her hurting and blaming herself.
I think when someone dies people are in shock and their mind wonders all over the place with the ‘what if’s’ and the truth is the death could not have been prevented. It was simply ‘their time.’
Please let go of the guilt and do what's right for both of you. It's hard, I know, but look at it like this: you can go visit him daily if you'd like, and you'll both enjoy the interaction. You can go back to being husband & wife again instead of being the 'caregiver' 24/7 and that will be a relief.
BEST OF LUCK!!
I hear the love in your words. You obviously care or you wouldn’t be reaching out with concern.
It’s time for you to accept help. I think you are ready to have help, don’t you? I agree with others, see if it is possible that you stay together.
Best wishes for you and hubby. Hugs.
I would try to find a facility that would meet his needs and where you can stay together. I live in AZ and we have lovely facilities that have layers of care so that spouses can remain together for as long as possible and both get their needs met, you could do activities and socialization while a professional staff is helping your husband with activities and socialization that are appropriate for his condition.
I am sorry that you are facing this decision, it is a difficult time and you are wise to see that you need assistance.
Please try to get some rest while your husband is being cared for by professionals. You need to your strength and your wellbeing matters a great deal for both of you. Do you have anybody that can spend a few nights with you?
Take care of you during this difficult time.
Great big warm hug and strength to you for your new journey.
The thing is, bringing him home would be a hardship for both of you, but it would also be really risky for both of you. He has already fallen, twice, and had a bathroom accident just to rub salt into the wounds; but then think how much worse it might have been if you'd been injured trying to help him.
In a perfect world, there would be a continuing care facility that you could both move into so that you can continue to lead your normal independent life but with all the support you need to meet his care needs. Is there anything like that in your area? What are your options?
Do what is best for BOTH of you.