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It happens all the time.
Your sister has chose to take care of her Mom. And she is dragging you in with guilt trips. Not sure what you can do. I may plan a vacation. Tell the aide your taking one and she needs to make it in because u will not be there to cover her. Then u tell sis that ur goingvon vacation and when she starts the guilt thing, tell her caring for Mom is her choice, not yours. And what you do for Mom is to help sis but...you need a break. If sis says "so do I" tell hervto find respite care and take a vacation. She has options. Some people are just martyrs.
The past year or so , my mother in law keeps asking my husband when he’s retiring , he’s only 59.
Oh wow ! I just figured out she does it because she wants him to take the 4-5 hour car trip to visit her more often .
🤔🤔🤔🤔
Stop helping so much yourself. Accept you are one person & move towards a team approach. Involve others. Other non-you people.
Then I read Mom lives with Sister.
Sister is Mom's Care Manager. Maybe she has the skills, the will in buckets, a big heart too. But if anything like my SIL who has become the self-appointed Care Manager, there is a whopping dollop of bossiness there too.
My inlaws have strong personailities. No would-be boss grows too big & controlling as the others hold their ground. They NEVER let a plan go forward without common sense. Without the plan working for ALL those in the plan. And they NEVER let others plan their calender. (Oh it has been tried I tell you!!)
My advice is BOUNDARIES.
Find a copy of The Boundaries Book (if you have not read it). Or read it again. Boundaries: when to say yes, how ro day no. By Drs Cloud & Townsend.
"I dont want to jeopardize my relationship with my sister either so for the most part I go along to get along."
This. Unpack this.
Why NOT stand up to your Sister?
Swap the word *jeopardize* for *ruin*. No, you don't want to RUIN your relationship. I get that. But I ask you why must your relationship with your Sister be jeopardized/ruined by you saying NO to her?
You are allowed to choose.
You can change your mind.
You are allowed to say no.
If Sister has a major tantrum when you say NO, what does this tell you about her? About your relationship? About RESPECT?
Have a good think about how much you can help without this becoming a BURDEN. YES I said BURDEN. Let's call a spade a spade.
Maybe it's one day a week? OR Two half-days + 3 phone calls + 2 appointments per month. Whatever you think & feel is manageable for you.
Then have an honest sit down chat with your Sister & let her know your new plan.
PS. Mine included..
NO on-call 24/7 & NO fill-in ANYthing.
By statng that, OTHER solutions were then found.
Good for Sis!! May mom live to be 100, that would be quite an accomplishment.
Too bad mom is not like the true story of an elder who is 100 yrs old and still works in her family's furniture store in New Jersey
She still drives and cooks, with the only issue is Macular Degeneration. She shows it can be done.
That doesn’t mean OP has to live her life around the sister’s wish . And the fact that this is the sister’s whole purpose in life and she will fall apart when the mother dies , speaks of altered mental health.
You don’t have to continue to be “ on call” or even a regular caregiver . Your sister is choosing this . Your sister does not get to control your life .
You tell sis you are not supporting this any longer . Either sis figures out another way without you or mom gets placed .
Your sister can not make you keep doing this . You are giving in to her . The way you “ get over the psychologist aspect “ of not being in control of your own life is you learn the word “ No “ .
Practice saying ….
No
I will not do that
That does not work for me
That will not be possible .
You are not responsible for anyone else’s only wishes or happiness .
No one is responsible for their parents.
We are responsible for our CHILDREN until they reach age of majority, then they are responsible for themselves and any children they bring into the world (until those children ALSO reach age of majority.
You well may die before your parent. We have seen that happen. We have also seen people ignore their careers and savings to care for parents and end up homeless and without a job history; we have had to suggest they start at a homeless shelter, often at the ripe old age of 65 or so. We have also seem people mentally broken by caregiving.
This will stop when you yourself put a stop to it. You, as a grown adult, are responsible for your choices in life, and the consequences. There is much support out there for you if you simply level honestly with family and those you care for, that you cannot go on any longers.
You didn't cause the aging process, you cannot prevent it, and you cannot cure it. There should be no guilt in choosing to have a life. You deserve that, rather than wasting your own life by throwing it on the slow burning funeral pyre of your elders.
Please consider counseling to seek options for paths that after 25 years have become rote and habitual. I wish you the very best.
I would imagine your stint as a caregiver will end once you agree to either place mother in managed care and also stop questioning a DNR at 99! CPR causes more damage than it cures, and being alive for 99 years +, mom has already lived way beyond the mortality rate for 99% of women on earth.
If you feel like mom will outlive you, please look into AL right away. It's not the horrible place some think it is.
Good luck to you.
HUH? WTH? I was doing everything, and she was the back seat driver. She came by aunt on occasion to see what was needed and what needed to be done, but she wasn't doing as much as I was. The grunt stuff, I should say. Changing, wiping, cleaning, putting up with tantrums and screaming and crying from aunt. Not to mention the money I was spending to come visit constantly and get her house cleaned that was covered in feces that I had to stay in to visit.
I just decided I couldn't do it anymore and left. There was something seriously wrong with this picture.
As much as you do, people will take advantage and don't give a flying fig about you, as long as you're getting it done.
Twenty five years is a long time. I think you need to reclaim your life back.
You can stop, you just need to accept the solution.
Please provide more information so we can make suggestions.