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You can stop, you just need to accept the solution.
Please provide more information so we can make suggestions.
HUH? WTH? I was doing everything, and she was the back seat driver. She came by aunt on occasion to see what was needed and what needed to be done, but she wasn't doing as much as I was. The grunt stuff, I should say. Changing, wiping, cleaning, putting up with tantrums and screaming and crying from aunt. Not to mention the money I was spending to come visit constantly and get her house cleaned that was covered in feces that I had to stay in to visit.
I just decided I couldn't do it anymore and left. There was something seriously wrong with this picture.
As much as you do, people will take advantage and don't give a flying fig about you, as long as you're getting it done.
Twenty five years is a long time. I think you need to reclaim your life back.
I would imagine your stint as a caregiver will end once you agree to either place mother in managed care and also stop questioning a DNR at 99! CPR causes more damage than it cures, and being alive for 99 years +, mom has already lived way beyond the mortality rate for 99% of women on earth.
If you feel like mom will outlive you, please look into AL right away. It's not the horrible place some think it is.
Good luck to you.
No one is responsible for their parents.
We are responsible for our CHILDREN until they reach age of majority, then they are responsible for themselves and any children they bring into the world (until those children ALSO reach age of majority.
You well may die before your parent. We have seen that happen. We have also seen people ignore their careers and savings to care for parents and end up homeless and without a job history; we have had to suggest they start at a homeless shelter, often at the ripe old age of 65 or so. We have also seem people mentally broken by caregiving.
This will stop when you yourself put a stop to it. You, as a grown adult, are responsible for your choices in life, and the consequences. There is much support out there for you if you simply level honestly with family and those you care for, that you cannot go on any longers.
You didn't cause the aging process, you cannot prevent it, and you cannot cure it. There should be no guilt in choosing to have a life. You deserve that, rather than wasting your own life by throwing it on the slow burning funeral pyre of your elders.
Please consider counseling to seek options for paths that after 25 years have become rote and habitual. I wish you the very best.
You don’t have to continue to be “ on call” or even a regular caregiver . Your sister is choosing this . Your sister does not get to control your life .
You tell sis you are not supporting this any longer . Either sis figures out another way without you or mom gets placed .
Your sister can not make you keep doing this . You are giving in to her . The way you “ get over the psychologist aspect “ of not being in control of your own life is you learn the word “ No “ .
Practice saying ….
No
I will not do that
That does not work for me
That will not be possible .
You are not responsible for anyone else’s only wishes or happiness .
Good for Sis!! May mom live to be 100, that would be quite an accomplishment.
Too bad mom is not like the true story of an elder who is 100 yrs old and still works in her family's furniture store in New Jersey
She still drives and cooks, with the only issue is Macular Degeneration. She shows it can be done.
That doesn’t mean OP has to live her life around the sister’s wish . And the fact that this is the sister’s whole purpose in life and she will fall apart when the mother dies , speaks of altered mental health.
Stop helping so much yourself. Accept you are one person & move towards a team approach. Involve others. Other non-you people.
Then I read Mom lives with Sister.
Sister is Mom's Care Manager. Maybe she has the skills, the will in buckets, a big heart too. But if anything like my SIL who has become the self-appointed Care Manager, there is a whopping dollop of bossiness there too.
My inlaws have strong personailities. No would-be boss grows too big & controlling as the others hold their ground. They NEVER let a plan go forward without common sense. Without the plan working for ALL those in the plan. And they NEVER let others plan their calender. (Oh it has been tried I tell you!!)
My advice is BOUNDARIES.
Find a copy of The Boundaries Book (if you have not read it). Or read it again. Boundaries: when to say yes, how ro day no. By Drs Cloud & Townsend.
"I dont want to jeopardize my relationship with my sister either so for the most part I go along to get along."
This. Unpack this.
Why NOT stand up to your Sister?
Swap the word *jeopardize* for *ruin*. No, you don't want to RUIN your relationship. I get that. But I ask you why must your relationship with your Sister be jeopardized/ruined by you saying NO to her?
You are allowed to choose.
You can change your mind.
You are allowed to say no.
If Sister has a major tantrum when you say NO, what does this tell you about her? About your relationship? About RESPECT?
Have a good think about how much you can help without this becoming a BURDEN. YES I said BURDEN. Let's call a spade a spade.
Maybe it's one day a week? OR Two half-days + 3 phone calls + 2 appointments per month. Whatever you think & feel is manageable for you.
Then have an honest sit down chat with your Sister & let her know your new plan.
PS. Mine included..
NO on-call 24/7 & NO fill-in ANYthing.
By statng that, OTHER solutions were then found.
The past year or so , my mother in law keeps asking my husband when he’s retiring , he’s only 59.
Oh wow ! I just figured out she does it because she wants him to take the 4-5 hour car trip to visit her more often .
🤔🤔🤔🤔
Your sister has chose to take care of her Mom. And she is dragging you in with guilt trips. Not sure what you can do. I may plan a vacation. Tell the aide your taking one and she needs to make it in because u will not be there to cover her. Then u tell sis that ur goingvon vacation and when she starts the guilt thing, tell her caring for Mom is her choice, not yours. And what you do for Mom is to help sis but...you need a break. If sis says "so do I" tell hervto find respite care and take a vacation. She has options. Some people are just martyrs.
It happens all the time.
Your sister chose this. Answer the phone less. Take a vacation. Stop propping them up.
Fear. Of damaging your relationship with your sister.
Obligation. To provide help to Mom because sister does so much.
Guilt. As above, plus
"lot of guilt trips when I stand up to her"
It's all wrapped up together & can be hard to unpick.
With practice I started to be able to see the patterns better.
I saw that my family was a little stuck in *family only must help*.
Based on fear of strangers.
I saw people taking on responsibilty that was never theirs. Obligations were just assumptions, not fact.
I saw quiet people avoiding the unpleasantness of confrontation - saying a yes instead of the potential drama/guilt tripping of no.
It's OK if your sister wants to be Mom's #1 caregiver. If her values lean her towards martyrdom even.
However, it's not OK for her to control your life.
There are many ways to proceed. In your own time, at your own pace. From cold turkey I quit! To a gradual cutting back, being less available.
I have heard of a very quiet way to quit by filing up your time up a new interest eg new job, volunteer role, study, craft or exercise group.
Quiet quitting by gradually not being available ,
first on Fridays
then Fridays and Mondays
may have sister realize she can’t control other people .
What happens if Sis dies first? What’s her plan then? Does she understand that you won’t take on her martyr mantle?
If you are too scared of Sis’s meltdown to stand up for yourself, this will indeed ‘never end’ – unless you or Sis die before M.
- what is your situation: age? living at home with parent? work? in school? have your own family?
- Finances: Can parent afford caregivers to support you - so you can get some time off?
-- What is parent's financial situation re medi-care, medi-caid etc?
-- Does parent own a home?
- If you are falling apart / having a breakdown of sorts, you will not be able to care for an elderly parent yourself. 'forever'. You need breaks, respites - from a few hours a week, 2-3 days a week (off), or 1-2 weeks off every few months.
You cannot run on empty and need to make adjustments 'somehow.'
- what are the 'exact' needs of your parent ... needing your help for 25 years? Is this a long term disablity? disease? Can they talk, walk? What are their limitations?
- Work through your GUILT in therapy if needed. It will ruin your life.
- You need to figure out what is behind the guilt - for you to be doing this for 25 years.
- What have you been doing to take care of yourself during these 25 years?
- It is possible that 'this is your life' until their demise if you do not change how you think about your responsibilities and yourself.
- Do you feel you deserve a 'better' life? If you do, how can you make changes to move towards what you want for yourself?
- You need to 'scramble' up your thinking processes as you are on 'automatic' (or so it appears doing this for so long). Changing what you are doing will be hard although it will be up to you to decide how to proceed (get into therapy to sort this all out). Often our behavior(s) reflect a life-long pattern of behavior w a parent - it takes gut wrenching 'inner work' to process through it all - and perhaps realize that 'yes, I deserve a life, TOO.' And, that is the first step to creating a (new) life. Realizing you can.
Gena / Touch Matters
Placing mother in a care setting which meets her needs is being responsible.
If the sister chooses to care for her in her home, that is a choice she has made. You are not obligated to follow the same care routine, unless you want to.
Let your sister know that this is becoming too much of a burden for you (perhaps it's becoming too much of a burden for her as well) and it's time to discuss other care options. Let her know you are no longer going to be available to provide care for your mother in her home. If sister wants to continue, that is her choice.
She can try to hire help and keep her at home, or acquiesce to finding a care facility. It sounds like she is burning out. It is not uncommon to allow caregiving to become your identity. After caring for someone for so many years, she fears her mother's death will leave her lost and wondering what to do next with her life. I would urge her to seek emotional therapy.
1) The elderly parent goes into AL or whatever type residential facility is right for their needs.
2) A live-in caregiver moves in and the elderly parent pays for it.
These are the only choices you should be willing to accept.
It's time for you to retire after 25 years of caregiving and accept the metaphorical 'gold watch' which is you get your life back and can actually enjoy your retirement.
It's okay if you see your mother as your responsibility. That doesn't mean that you have to be a care slave. That doesn't mean that you personally have to meet all of her needs and make her happy.
Your responsibility is making sure she has a safe, clean place to live. To make sure she receives necessary medical care and decent food.
This responsibility can easily be met in AL or any other care facility.
My mom is in memory care and there is still a lot to manage and stress about. Laundry missing, her monthly banking needs because of the miller trust, medicaid filings and bills, her health (she recently had covid again and was isolated) which caused her to decline even more. Spending time with her even though she doesn't know who I am and feeling like crap after leaving there because it's traumatic to watch. It's exhausting even if they aren't in your home.
Try to find other solutions and save yourself. There is no prize at the end of this.
Someone coined the term, ‘emotional hangover’ for the feeling after being with a difficult LO , and that feels so appropriate. I’ve started taking a ukelele with me to every visit , she likes the music but I swear it’s for my own scraps of remaining sanity. I just make up songs on the fly.
It is a looong road leading to bleah
do you have any relatives that could help - can you speak to the doctor who must have lots of cases like yours and maybe ( should) be able to provide contacts to help you
hang in there and look if there are any options
thats a very long time and you must be tired - physically and mentally /emotionally
You can’t be there for someone all of the time
Look at what options are available and do take any up
you can care but you need a life as well
Please for your own sake put a stop to this insanity today. There is no reason why any adult child has to pay one cent out of pocket for their parents' or spouse's care.
If an aging parent or spouse is low-income they qualify for Medicaid. Maybe they have a house that has to be sold and 'spent-down' paying for facility care. Then sell it and place the person. People constantly go on about the nonsense that their LO has too much income for Medicaid. No they don't. Their monthly income gets spend down on their care along with their other assets like real estate or insurance policies. Then when it's gone, Medicaid takes over.
Believe me it's worth it to forgo any potential inheritances and just place the person and take your life back.
the thing that’s different about this job is you can’t quit or barely get a vacation. It’s indentured servitude with love and commitment of course
when I get free, I’ll definitely forgo any new opportunities for caregiving. Worst nightmare is immediate imprisonment to a new helpless human being. This really makes you think about prior lives and reincarnation, karmic debts being paid…etc
i am caring for a stepfather who outlived all his kids. I cared for my own biological parents too. All others from my generation have passed. It’s just me. I’ll be 62 in January and have three grandkids under five. They’re a joy. They’re my respite. (Still exhausting, of course )
I still count my blessings. He is still “with it” and we have lots of laughs. I just make every day special like it’s his last. It has taught me to appreciate every moment. He’ll be 96 Monday.
Sadness is understandable, but you don't need to be sad forever.
Lead your life, which is what (I'd imagine) your mum brought you up to do.
It's too bad that you are afraid of conflict with your sister. She is being ridiculous and you don't have to feed and support her difficult and demanding schedule for your mom's care.
This could go on for YEARS. It's time to stand up to your sister. Well, more like stand up for yourself. You can be kind and gentle but you have to tell her that you're not OK with continuing with this level of care. She needs to hire someone to help instead of relying on you.
There are many many times that siblings don't agree and only one takes care of the parent. The only reason she can do as much as she is is because of you doing what she wants you to do.
Time to put you, and your retirement, first.