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Fine. Yet, being responsible doesn't mean sacrificing your life for hers. That's not responsibility: that's martyrdom.
Furthermore, your sister isn't acting responsibly. If she were, she wouldn't be jeopardising her own health, or compromising yours, by giving all her strength and wellbeing to your mum, and expecting you to do the same.
Taking responsibility would be placing your mum into a suitable facility and ensuring that she gets the care she needs. It would be accepting that quality of life comes first, over and above quantity.
Stop accepting your sister's version of what responsibility, love and care look like. Stand up for yourself, for your mum and, indeed, for your sister. This isn't a healthy situation.
I beg to differ. I was a caregiver to my ex-husband the last year of his life. It was hard physically and mentally caring for him. It was heart-breaking to see pain and disease ravage my once beautiful, golden-haired Adonis to an emaciated skeleton. When he couldn't suffer anymore, Death took him for his own.
Being a caregiver to my miserable, abusive mother was a thousand times worse than even this was. Even now, she's really not all that bad off. She needs some help and her actual care needs would be easy if she wasn't such a miserable, negative, abusive person.
Put her in a nursing home, memory care, or AL. At your age (71) how many good years do you think you have left?
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Valentine who's had the yoke of care-slavery around her neck for the last 25 years with her mother.
Take the metaphorical 'gold watch' and retire from caregiving. Five years is long enough. Take back your life. You deserve caregiver retirement. It comes with a pension too. Your pension is time. Time to enjoy your life. Time to go places and have fun socializing. Time to do fun active senior things like go on cruises and play bridge.
There are people whose job it is to take care of your mother. They are who staffs care facilities or they staff a person's home. I was one of these people for 25 years and not I'm the boss of people like this.
I did caregiving for my mother and it was the most miserable time of my life. More miserable even then post-divorce when I was living cross country, barely making the rent, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. I was more miserable being chained to care slavery for my mother.
I'm in an office now usually six days a week for the business. It's hard and long hours, but I'm happy. You deserve to be happy too.
Tell us how it's going and how you feel about it.
The male friend died unexpectedly while still caregiving. His Mom is now in a Nursing Home. The female friend died 49 days after her 93 old Mom died. Both caregivers left families behind and children/grandchildren who need them.
Both caregivers did 24/7 caregiving with no outside assistance.
It's unfair to lose your life over this. I didn't think I would make it. But, somehow I got through it. At great cost both mentally and physically. And, no I would not do it again. That is what Nursing Homes are for.
I suggest your Mom goes to a nice Nursing Home or Assisted Living if she can afford it - and you start to enjoy your life again. 25 years is way too much. If that's not an option for you, then use her money to pay for visiting caregivers to assist you. Time off should not be a luxury. You matter, too!
And if you get push back, get Oh it's OK for YOU to go on holidays.. when you want.. etc that's when you have the Hard Chat (again) that Sister is choosing what she does. That SHE is in charge of HER life. If she has put her Mother in charge of her life - that is also her choice.
I wish I had an answer for you, but I just thought I would commiserate. 😅 I feel like this is not sustainable in our society, and our government does very little to help. A big downside is not having wages paid into our social security. Then what? When I committed to this, I have no idea how long it would last or what toll it would take. I don't have children, but if I did I would never ask this of a child. I won't even mention how much money she's burning through. Private caregivers are expensive! But it's her money. She's 92, my stepdad has passed, and I see absolutely no end in sight. I love her so much, I just can't bring myself to put her in a facility. Trying to find responsible and caring caregivers is SO DIFFICULT in my area. At this moment I'm typing up a new care giving task list. I'm convinced that the new caregiver is suffering from memory loss. But she's nice, so I really want to work with her to improve. I know I'm picky, but I find myself accepting substandard work. I'm at the point where I only correct the most important items that relate to her health and welfare. I'm tired of being a maid and picking up after their messes. And I'm scared if I am anything but "extremely nice," my mom will pay the consequences. Anyway, good luck to you. I think there are many of us suffering through this. Maybe it's a generational thing. We have to be careful who we put in political office. Hopefully some of this shortfall can be addressed in the future. I have visited live-in facilities in my area of Louisiana. I've left in tears. Perhaps if you're a multi-multi-millionaire, nice facilities are available. Take care. God bless. Hang in there.
Relatives are famous for setting standards on others for taking care of elderly. This may work for a while, but it will come a time when it is time for placement. This is best for the both of you. Please try to get some enjoyment out of life.
Please give yourself a rest, and truly take care of yourself.
Valentine15
5 min ago
You're right. She is having health issues. I just got a new phone. I haven't been able to post anything for months bc I apparently had a virus in my phone and every time I would try to post my phone went haywire. But as I said, she fell and broke her wrist and she's also having digestive issues, etc. It's prob stress related but her main concern is still our mom. I do believe she is in the martyr category at this point. So now it's a bit of a three ring circus with me doing overnight for our mom, outside caregivers during the day and possibly even my husband filling in if need be. I'm just holding on knowing this can't go on forever. Sooner or later something is gonna give. And I refuse to let it be my health.
My friend is overseeing the care of her aunt and uncle because her cousin (their only child) dropped dead years ago from the stress of having to take care of both of her parents.
and BTW, it can go on “forever”… Golda’s mom lived to 109 years old.
You want to keep her at home where maybe you sit together and watch the same old boring TV shows from 1963, and no activity happens unless planned by you, but you are too tired to do it (which goes with the territory; I know because I've been there).
Your retirement could be a lot better if you'd let it. Stop depriving mom of a place that would be better for her and also you! Go visit some assisted living places. Today's ALs are NOT your granny's nursing home.