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I hope you don’t live with them . If you do , move out and call APS for both of them , since your Dad is being unreasonable .
Your father can not force you to take care of his wife .
Good luck setting down some boundaries for yourself.
If California is not the State u live in, I would not drive her there. Medicare goes over State lines but supplimental insurance and Medicaid don't.
Start telling her where and when things will happen. This isn’t a Burger King and she doesn’t get it her way.
If she doesn’t cooperate, call 911 the next time she has an episode.
Who is her POA?
Do you have a relationship with her family?
You are decidedly and CLEARLY not responsible for her.
Right now, as I see it, you are not so much caring for HER (though realistically you are) as you are caring for your FATHER who likely should no longer be caring for her as well.
So a real problem here.
I am not certain what future plans are for your Dad.
If he is going into care then plans must be made for HER if she cannot manage her own care. That is on him. Which means if she can go into care at the same time it's a boon. If not, you will need a social worker, perhaps Adult Protective to say she is Dad's wife, and dad was caregiving, but now dad is going into care and cannot do caregiving and she is in need. You would make it clear you do not get along with her and will not be particaping in her care once your father is placed (or has passed).
Sorry. This is exceptionally tough. You are sadly getting two-for-the-price-of-one.
File this phrase in your brain for safe keeping.
Remember it whenever you're asking yourself if you should get involved in a situation, like the one you described above.
It's wonderful you want to be helpful, but in this situation, there are way too many red flags indicating you would be blamed for anything and everything that doesn't go mentally unstable stepmom's way.
As an example, what if you agree to drive her to CA and then she claims to law enforcement you kidnapped her?
No one is forced into caregiver, some feel like they are forced through gaslighting, manipulation, in the eye of the law you are not responsible for step mom or Dad.
If something happens to Dad and he can not take care of her anymore, then call APS , tell them what's happening, they will asses her and the state will appoint a POA , and she will be there problem now.
You are in no way responsible for your step mom.
But why does she want to go to California?
When you mentioned pain management I couldn’t help but think of pain medication and the possibility that she has taken all of the meds she got locally and wants to go to California for a fresh supply.
How long has your dad been married to your step mom?
Do not involve yourself with this clearly unstable person.