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Good luck to you and everyone else going through this. It's very difficult to deal with!
You're going to give a compassionate and caring answer because this is your best friend. But you've also taken a step back and removed yourself from so much of the emotional strain, or the weight of guilt of the situation by this not being about you or your own mother. Whatever advice you give, it will be thoughtful, and you'll be able to see the short and long term pros and cons of any decision that needs to be made. Your friend's health is of utmost importance, not just her mother's, forcing her to care for her mom just because of the guilt is NOT helping either of them in the long run.
Nobody likes change, and even with the best advice, decisions are going to be hard to make, you can't make everyone happy all the time (and it's not your job to either). But as other people have said on these boards, it's not the end of the world, and mom will be cared for by people who are trained and up to the task. Friends can visit, as can you, without giving up your own health, including your emotional and mental well being.
You obviously love your mom, but you're at the end of your rope and you need help. If your sisters think it's so easy, let them take care of mom for a couple of months.
On your side.
I hope we both find peace with our decision and embrace the fact that we need help ❤️🙏
A person with dementia who burns down the house is not 'making a mistake'. They are putting lives at danger. There is cause for alarm. Things will get worse, not better, and the adult child will continue to feel more and more stress. That's no way to live. That's not a way to take care of ones' self or a parent.
I am burnout, can no longer assure high quality cares as I am forgetting plenty of things at my job and at home.
I was told by a friar not to feel guilty for not being able to do it all on my own : I am just human, can't be a mom, a wife, an employee, a caregiver 24h/24 on my own. I do have a home aid when I go to work but still the mental load is on me and I am the one of the mornings before she arrives, the afterrnoons, evenings and week-ends.
My mum has been a great mum, I do not think she would be happy knowing I am no so bad.
As far as the friend is concerned : I have decided that if someones does this with me I will answer with a "hard" answer like : ok, we have 2 choices : a facility or you take my mum with you and provide 24h/24, 7d/7, 365d/year yourself in your house... and with the same standards of a nurse/doctor.
Don’t let your mother or her friend make you feel guilty or destroy your life.
ALs are not prisons. They likely have never set foot in one. My mother was moved to MC in a facility that had IL, AL and MC, The place was VERY nice, had great food, wonderful caregivers and other staff, the people I met on my way to the MC unit were all very happy and content in the place.
As for their guilting you, shame on them. They dump on you, but don't offer to help, so stuff 'em.
Also, this best "friend" has no say. She isn't doing the caring AND there's nothing stopping her from continuing to be your mom's friend, visiting and chatting on the phone with her. Is ISN'T a prison!!!
Too many people have images of NHs and/or old people "homes" from the past. They need to get out and see for themselves instead of butting in.
My dad falls all the time and has early dementia. He was being rescued by family, neighbors, caregivers and 911 every few days. I decided he needs 24-hour care and must move.
The pressure and guilt-trips I got from him and other well-intentioned people was intense. They were interested in his happiness. I appreciate that. Moving out and loosing his independence makes him sad, resentful and angry at me. He won’t get over that.
But I am interested in his health. I don’t want him to continue getting hurt from falls. I don’t want him to burn the house down with him in it.
So that’s the choice. His health or his happiness. That’s your choice, now, too. I’m sorry you must make that decision.
Let me try to make it a bit easier. Let’s say you give in and have your mom stay at home. Tomorrow, you go grocery shopping and come home to find the house on fire and your mom’s charred corpse next to a fire truck. Would you say you made the right choice?
Abandon definition:
1. cease to support or look after (someone); desert, leave,
turn one's back on, cast aside,
break (up), leave stranded
2. give up completely
Now finding an AL close by, where I image you will still be very much involved in Mom's life, visiting her, supporting her & being an emotional support.
This does not describe *abandon*. This describes helping your Mom move home, to receive the level of supervision she now requires.
Allow me to re-phrase your question: "Am I HELPING my Mom?"
I would say YES.
I am happy to spend time and go places she enjoys but not all the time. If I do bring her to things with friends she complains . I caregive at least 28 hrs every week beyond this in housework yards shopping and doctors. How do you draw the boundaries without the tears.
Send her to the AL. She's not safe at home.
a man & his wife were on a long journey..walking together beside their donkey on a winding dusty road to visit the wife's family
It wasn't long before a man called out to them "how can you be so selfish to make your wife walk when you have the donkey ...let her ride & you walk"
The man heeded the mans words & soon his wife was riding along beside him on the donkey as he walked beside her & the donkey
Another few miles along the road another man called out to them loudly
"sir, why are you walking on such a very hot day when you have a strong young donkey & room for you to ride alongside your woman. It doesn't make sense"
"Maybe he's right husband, you can ride here with me and rest your feet that must be tired and sore"
The husband clambered up onto the donkey and they proceeded again on their journey
Night was approaching & the lights of the town that was their destination twinkled in the distance . Only one more big hill to go
They stopped to fill their water containers outside an inn.
An older woman with a small child glared at the man as he stood filling his containers at the well.
"Both of you riding that poor little donkey?" the woman asked sharply
"So cruel" she snapped without waiting for the man to answer
"No-one should be riding that lovely little creature."
"You should be carrying the donkey.
" There are two of you strong enough to walk yourselves..The donkey is suffering because of your selfishness. Cold hearted people"
The husband and wife agreed that perhaps the old woman was right...and they were hurting the donkey.
So it wasn't long before the man and his wife were struggling up the last hill to their destination carrying the donkey..that was of course, quite able to carry the couple quite comfortably.
You see everyone has an opinion that they will give on how another should live their life.
Animals know from instinct what is best for them and Nature
Man knows from intuition.
"The still small voice some call conscience . So small it could almost be missed.
So clear it can never be mistaken"
Mahatma Gandhi
PLEASE consider alternatives ...you can get help to come in to help with her care. There are programs that will assist with finances. In Wisconsin there is IRIS which will help with in home care expenses. Not only with people coming in, but with whatever assisted living accommodations she may need. There are different programs available in every state.
That said, safety is the most important concern. If her mother has inadvertently started fires in the home, NOBODY is safe.
Please don't add to her pain by writing, "If you love your mother you will not force her into one of these death camps!" when you have no idea what the facility is like.
The best thing that you can do for your mother is make sure that she is well cared for. That is your job. By making sure she is in the right place, you are doing the right thing. In Assisted Living there is round the clock care, provided by people working shifts.
You've already destroyed your health-- I hope that some of that is reversible. And what if next time she actually burns the house down, with you and her in it? Then there'll be no one to care for, in either direction, and much grief for the rest of the family.
As you may know, the cognitive decline will get worse, not better. It may only reach a certain point, but she will get older, and whatever issues she is having will worsen. As that happens, incrementally, she'll be in the right place for professionals to help her.
What are you doing while all of this is happening? Restoring your health, resting, getting your life back. And, then you can visit your mother, as much or as little as makes sense for your life. So too can her friend and your other family members.
Be strong. This is hard and I know you feel guilty, but there is nothing to feel guilty about. I hope you'll get to that point in your thoughts, soon. Get some therapy for yourself if it'll help you through this.
You are doing exactly the right thing. Hang in there.
Just explain it to mom and mom's friend
With different details, I'm in your shoes.
I did move my mom out.
The feeling of abandonment hasn't gone away altogether, it's just been 94 days. But the relief of looking forward to my life has shown bright like a beacon shining the way for a captain on a tumultuous sea. And I can honestly say.....Whew.
So ignore your mother's BFF's opinion... she is not there taking care of your mother. Your family is on-board with your opinion so get your mother tucked safely away in a nice Memory Care Facility and your mother will adjust... probably quickly and she have activities and friends she will enjoy. I used to worry that my Mom would burn my house down, too! The near-misses are very scary!
It has been 9 months since my mother died, and I am not yet fully recovered from the lack of sleep. My own memory is shot and my health is very bad. My doctor just told me 2 weeks ago that I will never be the same person I used to be. If I had know what caregiving does to the caregiver, I would have politely refused and been happy visiting my mom in a Memory Care facility.
You are not abadoning your mother, but you might be abandoning yourself. Listen to that gut feeling... I wish I had paid more attention to mine!
Dr Christophers Relax Eze (amazon) ..I take the powder, they sell the caps also. Has helped me with sleep & steadied my burned out nerves from caretaking more than anything else I tried (I tried many things)
Distilled water only for cooking & drinking is essential
If you are a reader buy "The choice is Clear" by Dr Banik on amazon..This will explain the importance of the distilled water in a clear simple way better than I can
Only a few dollars, and the herbal products are less than $20 each.
I agree with your thoughts on self sacrifice ongoing....When I have abandoned myself to help my grandfather (& others) I thought I was strong healthy & young & no problem..Honestly I don't think he appreciates all my work...As my dad has told me "a lot of people are happy in their misery". I didn't understand that statement ...now I do
.However it all caught up with me in a crashing wave.
Now I am much more careful how I spend my time and energy.
Keep your head up
If the answer is no then it is to the old folks home she goes. There is no need for the guilt trip.
The actions one may consider "to be expected without question" of a friend to one person may be "not important at all" to another.
I wish more people had the honor & virtue you describe...it would be a much better world. However in my limited experience, the majority do not. And have no conscience about it.
Thats life : )