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Those who are not challenged by dementia are able to keep their urges within socially acceptable boundaries. This does not include those who leave their long time spouses and find a younger model.
As dementia advances social filters slip away and what is in the mind comes out unfiltered to the dismay of their caregivers. Not too much you can do about that except don't tie yourself in knots over it.
The woman throughout history has been the submissive one while the man has had the responsibility of feeding and protecting his family. Fathering a large number of children protected the man's future and his constant thoughts of sex do not diminish with age.
If you are with a husband affected with dementia it is a kindness to do what you can to satisfy his needs. I realize it is abhorrent with man who no longer maintains a high standard of hygiene. You are also exhausted and fearful of the future when your man passes. If you can't fulfill his needs, and there is no shame or guilt with that. You have feelings and you can't change that, you can help him out by requesting the many sexual aids that are on the market. If you can't bear to hand masturbate him there is actually a machine that will do it for you. You still may have to help him but it may be a small price to pay for a more content loved one. I see no wrong in providing sexually explicit videos if that is what it takes to make him fall asleep.
We all want the very thing that we can't have, that is just human nature.
Some people may be shocked or disgusted by this post and for that I am sorry. But I feel that this is a subject that should not be swept under the carpet
No one should put themselves in danger from a man loved or not who threatens or behaves aggressively. That is another subject and should be dealt with separately
I sympathize with you. My parents have many personality changes due to
dementia and they are both getting worse.
After he passed she lived alone, though I subsequently discovered she'd had dementia for years ... looking back I feel she was mentally ill life long. During that time she tried to latch onto a man she met walking in the park who lived here in the summer and had a trailer down south in the winter. He rejected her, saying he wouldn't take her small dog, but I know it was an excuse as he saw her as believing herself to be some sort of princess to be waited on. She didn't want sex (ewwww), just a man to jump through hoops to give her whatever she wanted. My parents had a trailer at one time and went south but my mother hated it "because I have to cook and I want to go to a nice hotel and be waited on". Ugh!
She spent the last 3 years of her life in a lovely nursing home. She hated the lady residents and spent most of her time in her room plotting how she could get some man to care for her and screaming down the phone at me because she was in prison - parkinsons, dementia, strokes, couldn't walk, incontinent.
Once in a while she'd try to chat up the gentlemen residents, offering them candies, but they ignored her which freaked her out as her whole life had been about her hair, nails, slim, pretty and so on.
She refused to allow the male hairdresser to do her hair as she didn't like the way he did it. Somehow she thought she was punishing him by withholding a measly $15. In the meantime he didn't know or care ... he was the mayor of a small town and did hair as more of a contribution to society if anything. While all the ladies had their nicely done, by the time she passed my mother looked like a hag ... never mind, she was punishing him.
So far as the sex thing is concerned it's been my experience that it's in their minds, not where it's supposed to be. Many men over 50 can't get an erection and perhaps something like Viagara would help but for those older perhaps there is some medication to take away the supposed sex drive?
If you haven't already, talk about this with his doctors. There may be medications that can slow him down, maybe make him nap a little more. There's really little that can be done. It won't go away. :( The saving grace with my FIL is if I'm out of sight, I'm out of his mind. Avoiding him works. If you can identify your husband's triggers... does seeing you trigger this behavior, for example, or maybe it's if he's not engaged with something else, like reading or working on a "project"... you might be able to get a little respite by working around those triggers. For your own sanity, you may eventually need to place him in a facility where other people can provide most of his care.
Find someone close you can share your troubles with. You're going to need to vent on occasion. Venting at your husband won't do anything to help matters. Just know it's all right to get angry or hurt or just break out in tears. Be kind to yourself.