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Your loyal dog would not gnaw on your corpse - a cat however would relish your nose
Just say'n
Could it be that I lived according to the needs and whims of my mother and felt I had no control in life? Would doing something daring or dangerous, and coming out the other side make me feel like I have control and thus make me more likely to start taking action? Maybe taking a night time walk is a somewhat safe but daring way to feel one is gaining back control of ones own life.
I would not change my choices for a second, but having denied myself my preferred food, TV, music, activities, sleeping habits etc. for years, I can imagine how a night walk might be an enlivening experience....I'm just kinda chicken.
Assuming we do a semi-reckless thing once a month, like your late night walk, but you haven't done any for 60 months then you have a bank of things to do to catch up - the fact that you are aware of this change means it is most likely short term & quite possibly a part of your grieving process albeit more unusual than most but probably not unique to you only
While in grieving process some people demonstrate unusual things - would you thinking anything of saying 'good night' to a pix of your mom & blowing her a kiss? - not at first but what about many years later? -
It is same with you in that your readjustment is more acute due to time & effort put in with caregiving - just take the word 'caregiving' with its literal meaning 'giving care' & now you are 'carefree' with its literal meaning 'free of care' - so you are back to being at university & that is a very carefree time -
Give yourself time to enjoy a few things & don't beat yourself up too much for having some fun because you probably really, really deserve it - let us know how you are doing
I have to call to everyone's attention, the movie, "Hello, My Name is Doris" - with Sally Fields - Gershun you'll get an expanded view of someone who did explore beyond her world, after her mom died, when Doris had been her caregiver for decades - It's beautifully done.
I was active caregiver for my youngest brother, born with brain injury disabilities - I took on hte task of helping him adjust to an adult world - it was a huge and interesting task, that involved all my thinking and planning and practice of counseling informally, guiding advocacy on his behalf. I moved him 8 times over the years, in later years into places closer to the ground, and eventually into a nursing home. That freed me up, for they handled any emergencies. And he gets help with skills in a Brain Injury program.
I find it's a huge challenge to shift gears - one issue is that I organized all papers for him, but for myself, I'd let them pile up, thinking, I'll have time for that later. I'd like to finish a degree, or write of my experiences, and contribute what I learned - and I'd like to join others but find it a challenge to sort out. Interesting to suddenly be just an "individual" when my identity has been so greatly linked with my role. Confusing to "experiment", when it looks like most others did all that many years ago, and now they "all" know the ropes.
BTW, I used to go out walking at night if I couldn't sleep, when I had my dog. It's less scary out there than we may think, in fact, it's lovely in many ways.
When one is a caregiver, there is so very little margin or choice to do anything. Maybe you're just doing normal things you enjoy and it feels strange and reckless after being "anchored" so long with caregiving duties.
So I'd look at exactly WHAT activities you're doing that feel impulsive or reckless vs how you FEEL about doing them.
If what you're doing is truly risky, what are you getting out of it? Are you depressed?
It might do to talk to a counselor who deals with grief issues. You may just be having a hard time giving yourself permission to move on, enjoy life, and do things for yourself. That makes things most people take for granted feel risky.
Several months after my Mom died I did walk around outside after dark once in awhile. The neighborhood is safe but there can be wild animals around. With me it was just not wanting to be seen and the darkness was like a warm safe blanket around me. It made me feel like I was exploring and yet in control, as the darkness kept me undercover. Does that make any sense?
Why I even hate walking over a bridge when you can see the water through the slats.
Went on a trail ride once when we came to one of those metal bridges.
Horse said "No thank you" and backed away. Must say I agreed with her but turned her around and backed her over. On the way home she went willingly but then she knew that was the only way she would get back to the barn.
In memory of your mom, do a hobby that your mom liked doing. Do this for you and her... Scrappbooking, cooking, movies, shydiving... Whatever her hobby was, or one of them, do something like that.....
My mom and aunt are still with me. My MIL past away, but I feel a bit of relief that I am down to 2 elders. Don't get me wrong, it is still upsetting, especially for my child... but it's a relief.
I moved mom and aunt into one place, and I feel the relief of only needing to stop one place to see both at the same time. So my little bit of free time, I have been burying plants, and digging up weeds... Ground is still moist so weeds pull out easily, and I can bury plants with ease...... My yard is looking a bit better, but still needs work...
I walk my dog a lot... I used to walk at 2 am, but not I am just an ambien addict, so I don't walk late at night any more, as far as remember :)
REMEMBER: IT IS OKAY ... DEATH IS OKAY....I miss my mom, how she used to be.... I will miss her more when her time comes....
I do believe she will contact and talk with me when she passes...... My dad did, my brother did, so I think she will too......
Tacy - what the priest at your school said makes sense to me. My mothers father died from complication related to emphysema. I smoked as a teenager and while my mom never forbade it she sure rode my butt into the ground nagging and her predictions of my agonizing death. So me smoking like a chimney to "just show her..." is hitting home. Maybe now I can go back to killing myself at a slower pace. Thanks for sharing that insight!
That is an excellent question the struggle to figure out what to do next? I am still mourning, but then I wonder then what? My siblings have their careers or their kids. But I've always had my dad to take care of. I stayed around to maintain the house, pay the bills, help buy the groceries. Then after the stroke I took him to the majority of doctor appointments. Now, I still have a job to go to, but what else? People say the skies the limit, but maybe I am just too depressed to figure out what else I want to do. My one sibling said I shouldn't replace my dad with another caregiving role. I honestly don't know right now.
Dear cwillie, I can identify with what you are saying. Even when my dad was in the hospital. My siblings would tell me not to see him. They thought this was a way for me to have a break! I know I was getting burned out, but I still worried "is today our last day together?" never believing it would happen. But it did happen. I had that too. People wanted me to have my own life. They like my dad was robbing me of a fulfilling life. I don't know. It was all I knew how to do.
Dear Gershun, you are so right. We ex-caregivers do need some sort of special therapy. The shock of losing our beloved parents. And the shock of losing our daily routine and purpose. It was never easy and there were moments of anger and resentment. But now that is all gone, I still miss it. I can't believe my dad is really gone. He had survived so much, why couldn't he survive a bit longer?
My dad had kids late in life. I know 84 is a long life. But in my mind I wish I was in my 50s or 60s before he passed. I don't know. I guess no matter how old I was, I would have lost my daddy and it would have been too much.
Then I started thinking about the fact I'm smoking at almost double time. It's funny - I gotta wonder how many other full grown women hid their smoking from their mom? It's like "Ha! I can smoke all I want and you can't stop me!"
Then there's the tattoo - or should I say tattooS. I've had one for years that my mom knew about - it's readily visible in summer clothing. But now I've got big plans to add to it - a whole lot. AND - I'm getting a separate tat that's in memory of my parents. I gave the motorcycle thing some thought - but yeah, I wouldn't want Helmet Hair.
So I guess the cigarettes and tattoos are gonna have to do it for my risk taking behavior!
Frequentflyer, yes my Mom was that voice of reason in my head. The be careful, call me when you get home thing. It didn't matter if I had been at her place for an hour, 5 min. she always wanted me to call so she knew I had got home safely. Then when she got sick, it was the opposite as I'm sure you all experienced and still are. Role reversal big time. Not to sound like too much of a suck but I really miss that motherly concern.
And Cnd Reader I totally identify the not wanting to get out of bed except in my case my sleeping schedule is all over the place so bedtime can be anywhere between 11 pm. to whenever I get to sleep and when I wake up.
And CM, I wish I could tell you what comes next. Damned if I know. Maybe someone should start a type of counseling service for ex- caregivers. Sort of like they are starting to have for war veterans. I think caregiving is sort of like going to war isn't it? Except you are fighting age and all the ravages it brings.
Yes C Willie. What life? What normal. I know I need to be getting on with it. But with what.
You know it's funny, I watch those stupid Housewife shows. And of all the shows to hear something which I thought was kind of deep and profound I would never have thought it would be this show. One of the housewives lost her Mom in the summer and she was talking to a counselor and she said she finds she can't live in the moment anymore cause that would mean having to accept that her Mom was gone.
I totally get that.
Its almost 5 months since my dad passed. I don't know if I'm less cautious or just depressed and I've adopted a "I don't care attitude" towards life. The things I use to obsess about just don't seem to matter. I haven't taken up sky diving or mountain climbing, I seem so indifferent to life right now.
I know I should appreciate that life is short. And that life is precious. And I should make use of my time. People have encouraged me to travel, but I can't seem to make myself get out bed right now. I've been cautious my whole life, so maybe even in grief its a hard personality trait to break.
It is related to what you're saying, FF, except that made me chuckle. All I remember is my mother insisting I take my coat off at a posh lunch because otherwise when I went outside again "you won't feel the benefit." Well that dining room was like a refrigerator - you couldn't not feel the benefit of just leaving it.