Hi all. My mom is in a SNF after a hospital stay for falling and fracturing a bone. I've always said her stubbornness is going to get her in trouble, and it did. I put her in an absolutely gorgeous new SNF with an AL attached to it and yes, I'm putting her on the list for it. This fracture is the decision maker, believe me. Think non weight bearing for 4-6 weeks. Or longer. Being independent has made her more dependent than ever.
She calls at least 15 to 16 times an hour. And no, I do not answer every time. She's "in pain, she has no water, she hasn't had her medication, there's no way to turn in bed," you name it. I call the nurses station and, how about that - -she's had all medication, they're attending to her at the moment, yes we'll get her some water, and no, she doesn't need to go back to the hospital (as she says she does) her injury is ok.
The last time she called she begged me to do something. Begged and pleaded to go home. My sister (in another state) told her in no uncertain terms that wasn't happening until she could leave under her own power. Mom lied to the staff saying she had 24 hour around the clock care at home, when my sister and I both spoke to the doctor on the phone this morning. "She means me," I said. Mom's problems are not easily managed by someone who's not a medical person and she seems to think I can lift her into a wheelchair and into bed. With her injury she also seems to think she can get into a car.
"Well then get a transport ambulance and get me home." You know, as if they do that.
It's not even 24 hours.
She called and cursed at me, did the whole academy award act, but if I could tell you how wonderful this facility is, I mean they're great. And the doctor told my sister and me, "She is NOT our first patient like this. We know what to do." I ordered a psych eval which when that doctor shows up will probably p##s her right off. The poor person... The doctor also agreed to a low dose antidepressant that she has had before but tossed down the toilet when someone told her what they actually were. We told her they were for her appetite. Which she has zero of.
I guess my question is, how do I stop the "I have to fix this" feeling. It wouldn't do my mom any good to bust her out of there, the only thing it would do would get my anxiety about all of this to stop, temporarily until she started ordering me around every 5 seconds. Aside from that, both my sister and I told her that it would be irresponsible and bordering on abuse to have her at home. She won't pay for overnight care. Like many of us, "Daughter will stay with patient," has been put on the discharge forms more times than I can count and ALWAYS when I'm out of the room.
I'm lucky in that my sister says "we're a committee now," Mom hung up on her already twice today. But this low level sick feeling I have just won't go away. And, of course, this is all compounded by the fact that she has always been a verbally and emotionally abusive parent. I've done my best to get beyond that, but who can, really.
Your thoughts are really appreciated.
As far as the sick feeling . And the you have to fix it feeling ……
You did not make your mother old . You can’t fix old . This is how I got over it when my Mom ( with dementia ) went to great lengths to get out of AL , including trying to escape , calling 911, guilt trips , histrionics etc .
Have you ever heard of F.O.G.? That stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It sounds like your mom has used these techniques on you all your life.
There's a website called Out of theFog. It's Outofthefog.website
Your mom isn't going to change. The only thing under your control is your behavior and your reactions --or lack thereof.
Turn off your phone. Tell the nurses to contact you in a real emergency. Call or visit when YOU wish and hang up or leave the minute the abuse starts.
Keep in touch!
Could be a good time to start with "therapeutic fibs". Such as, if Mom is using the nursing home landline next to her bed, tell her each call out will cost her $5 each, and insurance won't pay for that. She will have to pay out-of-pocket. If she believes that, and she is able to understand that, then maybe the calls will slow down. Or maybe not. Worth a try.
Good old mom has a cell phone with her, maybe someone can lose the charger for me.
I have shouldered many responsibilities as a caregiver and I regret that not any of them have seemed enough for her - or, she continues to move the goal post. It was clear to me that she was in no way being abused, mistreated, or neglected she just isn't getting immediate 2 second responses the way she tries with me. She has post operative bleeding still, which is being managed by them - they do wound care of course. I asked her how we would handle this at home? Because like Marie, I like a clean house. I would have slip covers if I could.
Thanks for the uplift.
stop discussing things with her. No is a complete sentence. Good luck. You are putting up with way too much.
This constant calling of course isn't "normal". Mom is suffering some insufficiency of the brain right now.
So the best thing you can do now is:
1. Visit Mom. Tell her that she cannot be allowed to call you so often, and that you will speak with her morning, noon and night if you are not visiting her.
2. Remind mom where the call button for the nurse is.
3. When Mom DOES call you, remind her again where to find her button, then tell her "Love you" and hang up the phone.
If it is necessary that access to phones be removed now for a while I would do this.
This is basically broken brain activity. Normal people don't call 20 times an hour. So this is just to handle mechanically more or less.
I am thrilled you will be going for placement now. Know this is a disruption in routine in the extreme and there will be lots of acting out activity around it. But that's to be expected.
Try to maintain a sense of humor around this if you are able. It's tough stuff, but you know where it's coming from and why.
I hope you'll update and I hope things will be better. Meanwhile consider phone access being removed for a while, whether cell or bedside. Speak with nursing about this.
I'm also aware from everyone in that facility that the first couple of days are like this.
I was so blessed to find this place, they have so many activities and beautiful surroundings, and Friday night is BlackJack night, if things weren't so chaotic, I'd go just for that.
My sister is coming out next week, she was going to come earlier but after talking to the doctor, "I want out of here and get me home," is not a good enough reason to change plans.
And yes, placement is next. Part of it is a 55 and up community and I asked for a business card for my husband and me to consider. I want community and purpose and people around me when I'm mom's age. I'm making that plan now.
I went out yesterday and took flowers and cheery things and she liked them. I'm nursing an intractable migraine today so I don't think I'll be able to make it out there today... and when I say intractable we're talking a week now. I'm reading it's best not to visit too often in the first days, they need to get acclimated to the place, and, the idea.
I still got the, "I know I'd do better at home," yesterday. Sure she would because she'd be callin shots all day and night with me and the caregivers she has. I call the nurses station early in the morning and so far, "She's had a quiet night, no complaints."
Tomorrow (Monday) I suspect PT and OT will be front and center at her. She sent them away the other day because, "I'm going home and I'll get home care."
I have done a lot for her all these years - even roped my husband into doing things for her all these years. It's never enough though. Where all the hollering and screaming at me as a young kid came from, I'll never know. So where my guilt is coming from I'm not sure. I don't want bad things to come to the woman, never did, but it's hard for me to remember sometimes that anger is usually fear wearing a costume.
Thanks all.
Glad things are a bit better at present and hope that continues.