A caregiver I work with stated the client was madly in love with her, she left because of it. Now she is back. Family rehired her. Thoughts?
I have been with a lovely family and their father for over 7 months now, and the other caregiver did not work out.
There was another caregiver that the dad was adamant to call back. She now works there, and is not a caregiver or in the field, she is working for this family because they are special. She told me that the father fell madly in love with her and that is why she left. Why in the world would she come back.
To me, if the family really knew everything she just told me, that would be just wrong, and I do not know anything other than she told me he wants to kiss her all the time. This seems really almost as a sort of abuse or tease to a 88 year old man, who is just with hip issues.
What is my role professionally, I have tried to hint to the daughter that her dad has stated several times, where is (caregiver), and stated he would rather have her everyday. I however have over 17 years of experience, and the family loves me because I am a true compassionate caregiver, and to me this is wrong in a teasing, abusive way.
I have not told the family everything, but the daughter clearly knows about the kissing, but she does not know about why she left after the wife died.
Now she controls the shots, and my job seems just like, I do my best when I am there, but she is sure to kick me out when she wants to come upstairs.
Thoughts?
5 Answers
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If she is there because her presence makes the man happy, and the family has no expectations of her beyond that, then it's unconventional but how is it harmful? But if she is there and contracted to provide personal care or any kind of professional service that would normally be governed by codes of conduct, this is out of order. The relationship between the two of them becomes inappropriate, and the gentleman is a vulnerable elder, and she is a professional caregiver in a position of trust. It opens up all kinds of concerns.
Perhaps the best thing would be to tell the gentleman's daughter (if the daughter is the one in charge of sourcing care for him) that you need a clarification of the shared roles and would appreciate a meeting with her and the second caregiver to get this addressed. You're being forced into a situation that makes you uncomfortable and that's not fair.
If this lady says things to you that she will not repeat in front of the family, you can ask her to explain herself. It's not funny or clever. There are reporting lines, and because you ARE professional and DO consider yourself bound by codes of conduct, you shouldn't hesitate to use them.
There's nothing necessarily wrong with an 88 year old man being "madly in love," though. The question is whether the "love object" is keeping to properly defined boundaries. She needs to recognise her responsibilities.
The daughter does not really manage, and when I was hired, said, you create a care plan, (which is normally done by a in home health RN or someone other than a caregiver in a setting that is a commercial one. I am going to receive my LVN and Advanced Aging Management Certifications, I have almost completed my in person 72 hours per LVN, and AGING MANAGEMENT, as I have seen a literal crisis where I live. There are many young caregivers that are not trained or barely trained. When I decided to go into this business, it was not to become rich, it was to help people. That is what and who I am all about. I am a person that gives, but I always take care of number one, (myself), because without my common sense and ability to focus and see things clearly, I would not be a good candidate in this business. There is a 41% increase in hiring experienced Caregivers. In my area, the agencies will practically hire anyone, and the client ends of firing the agency, and it is a big mess. I am now 60, and feel above and beyond common sense, I have taken as many regulatory classes (because I believe elder care abuse, financial exploitation is a huge issue), and because I want people to know, this is not a job because I could not find anything else. I say that because I have just by nature of my personality, realized that people (caregivers that get to know me), and are not threatened by my skills, will reach out to me on any given day about a situation they are in with a client. I very happily help them on the phone, if I am on a day off etc. I now realize very clearly most women up here do not go above and beyond. That is who I have been my whole life. Whether it was when I was 23 and a Investement Banker, or what have you, and I do not enable, nor do I let go of myself. My boundaries are very strong, however with an aging client, as the client changes, has a fall, goes into the hospital, then the care plan diverts to a short term different type of much more hands on care, because of the extreme fall risk. He has fallen 5 times this year, and I have on my off time talked to a fall risk assessment professional. I also have showed the daughter that In home Care for OT, PT, mental health, rn for his infected toe, which I caught because I was giving him weekly foot soaks and he loved them. So now all of this is in place because I know the system where I live. That is just experience and observation and good caregiving judgment.
In my opinion, then the client fell, Caregiver B, spilled her beans and confidential issues she has had with Client, and much of it shocked me and I asked her, why would you come back with a man that you left because you would not to xyz with him. He is 98 not 88 (sorry about the above error), and that seems like a tease to him, and since you have been back all he does is talk about you, and his personality has changed dramatically, she became very uncomfortable and said, I am not doing anything with him, he needs love, and there is nothing wrong with showing love to a client? I said, well that depends. I saw his Alzheimer's test that the Occupational Therapy gave him, he did the clock almost, but did not at all recall the words (apple, car, house and yellow). In my experience people that have age related dementia and end up 98 are getting a form of Dementia, Alzheimer's just by the mere fact of getting so old. (Dementia is the word I would use, or late age Alzheimer's). Just my experience has witnessed this with 5 lovely people.
So if he cannot even remember the words, and he had cues There was an apple in front of him, a small model car and a card with a house on it and a yellow table cloth. That gets into another set of dynamics. I look at the entire person, and the quality of my life, how well he can do his ADL's, before his fall which he is lucky to
She has a degree in Rehabilitation for Aging Adults. She stated to me she will never be a caregiver again. She said this is a special family.
She told me she left because he wanted a relationship.
I think the family knows some things, but the entire thing is entirely inappropriate.
To the point where the caregiver marched up to me, and said isn't it time for you to go?
I called the Daughter to further attain my role, and her role, she said she has given me the liberty to do what is best, because I have the knowledge of a caregiver. Meaning, he fell and hit his head, and was in the hospital. There is not enough professional oversight. I did get home health in. I am going to after your very kind answer, ask her directly about certain things. He said he wanted a kiss. She did not say no. She said Oh your breathe is so bad. That hurt his feelings and I ended up caring for him when he was down and depressed.
I personally feel very upset that as a real caregiver that follows all laws about elder care abuse and the treatment of Elderly people, that this is so far beyond reality. Why would they hire her back? Because they did not know he said be my girlfriend or leave. She left... Then came back and now it makes my life miserable, because I was doing great by myself, I just cannot work 24/7 7 days a week.
Thank you
How long is she planning to stay with the family? And what about you? - how long do you see yourself with them, if you can get all of this sorted out? Is your client's condition improving, deteriorating, or expected to stay much the same indefinitely?
I feel obviously that if she is with him as a paid, caregiver, pt, whatever she should not be saying things to me and certainly i have wondered from day one what goes on when I leave. Is it none of my business, or all of my business?
The last gal was fired due to her treatment of this man abandonment and abuse, and reported to APS by the Daughter. I feel like I always work with these woman that just cannot follow the rules. I would never in my furthest mind go back and be rehired by a family if I knew this man was in love with me and that was the reason I quit the first time.
God Bless to all of you.