By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Is she competent to communicate with her doctor and understand instructions?
Arthritis and high potassium and sed rate do not prohibit driving unless her arthritis is so severe she cannot safely operate a car. If she is able to do housework, she is probably able to drive.
How much have they helped YOU since you lost your husband?? I didn't see it mentioned....
You have been given good advice here. TAKE IT.
Call your County Office of Aging. See if they provide senior bussing. Mom would sign up for that to take her to appts. Also shopping. Our service has outings. There may be other resources she can take advantage of.
I like your suggestions and if they won’t take advantage of the services they will have to make do. My son offered to do tasks around the home for a nominal fee and they declined.
Your parents are stubborn and not fully independent anymore. It's likely they will have to learn the hard way on accepting the help they need. Hopefully, the lesson won't be a catastrophe like a serious fall or accident that lands them both in a nursing home in order for them to make the changes in thier lives they need to stay safe and out of a care facility.
Please do what MeDolly says in the comments because she is right. Don't jump in to prop them up because this encourages their delusion of still being totally independent.
They must accept that they aren't totally independent anymore and that you are not the only person in the world who can help them. They have to learn how to accept help on the terms it's offered on and this is for their own good. Putting yourself on self-imposed guilt trips will accomplish nothing other than driving yourself crazy.
I did homecare for a long time and have seen every family dynamic there is. Please tell your parents what I have told countless seniors and their family members who were stubborn about accepting help.
-Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.-
This is a fact.
Forget the guilt thing, if she wanted someone to go with her she could ask a friend or neighbor, you are overthinking this entire matter.
I am sorry for the loss of your husband, might be time for you to get your life back together and to stop trying to live vicariously through your parents.
Wish you the best.
And poor mom having to do all the cleaning .
A wise social worker told me “ Stop helping .” You are propping them up to stay in their home that they don’t need anymore .
Time to talk about them hiring help in or going to Independent living apartment .
Yes, I do need to stop the propping and change my perspective on things. I talked to Mom a few weeks ago about home health and or cleaning services. My son even offered to help but she declined. Mom wants to downsize, but Dad won’t. She does all the work so he has no pressure to change. With her diagnosis, polymyalgia rheumatics, she will have to make changes. Thanks so much for the input!
Is an in person visit necessary for mom or could she as well keep her appointment through zoom.
You are correct in imagining that this is going to get worse. I think it is important that you don't enable bad decisions by doing the driving and attempting to do care that puts off recognition that more help is needed, and at least a better central location, perhaps downsized to efficiency. I can't know how their general condition is. Many do well to their 90s, but one may not do well and if this is the case then the other would have difficulty giving care.
It may be time for the difficult conversation that starts "Do the two of you have plans?" Your prime imperative in that conversation is that you really cannot help them a lot with care at all, and they should now be thinking of a safer placement for themselves.
Dad isn’t a better driver, it’s just that Moms mobility is limited due to the stiff joints and pain. No uber etc available in her area. I didn’t want her to get the bad medical news when she’s alone, but he wouldn’t be much comfort anyway. I feel guilty that I can’t be there. The zoom idea is a good one…I forgot about that and will suggest it to her. Yes, that talk will have to take place whether she likes it or not. Thank you for the very sound advice.
Lots of people in their eighties drive themselves to appointments. Encourage mom to remain active, and don't encourage her dependency. (I realize she has health problems that make things difficult for her, but so do a lot of other people.)
Also, if you're all she has, how did that happen? Did she dump her friends because you'd always be there? She doesn't get to refuse home health if that would help YOU. Tell her that. Be firm. As for your dad, what a jerk!
My mom had a series of "companions" in her old age. These women helped the elderly. It was their job to drive them to appointments, help them dress, and so on. They don't do anything medical. Maybe you could find someone like that for your mom. Again, she doesn't get to refuse anything that would help YOU.
I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband, and I hope you find help for mom soon. SHE DOESN'T GET TO REFUSE ANYTHING THAT WOULD HELP YOU!
Mom doesn’t have a support system because Dad is an abusive alcoholic. This has been the case during their entire marriage. Mom doesn’t mind driving, it’s just that her mobility is lacking due to joint pain and stiffness. I hope she can bear the medical news she will hear tomorrow. I do think she is developing dementia also. She has always been very active and independent. I hope medical treatment will give her some more relatively active years. There is a senior center in their small town that might be a good resource. Thank you for the helpful advic!
Why doesn't your mom request that from here on out she just has telehealth visits either by phone or via Zoom on her computer?
Most if not all doctors offices now offer that as an option ever since Covid.
She can just let them know that she no longer is comfortable driving herself.
She can also call Senior Services to see if they have any volunteers to drive her to her appointments and back. Or if she has a Shepherd Center in her city I do know that they offer free rides to doctors appointments for seniors.
And your dad sounds like a real ass. Either that or he is afraid to drive himself, and if that's the case then by all means keep him off the roads.
Best wishes in getting this issue figured out for your mom.
First I want to say I'm so sorry, for all this, loosing your husband's had to be awful.
When my dad passed, and I started taking care of my mom, I thought my kids would help out a little as just visiting would of been helpful, knowing she had company. I have 4 boys, they didn't at all. And at first I was annoyed. Then I realized this isn't there problem, I can't ruin my relationship with my kids over my mother.
Everytime I take my mom out she buys things for my grandson, her great grandson. There must be a closet full of toys. It breaks my heart, but I stay out of it. I'm not going to ruin my relationship with my children for my mother.
If your son wants to help that's awesome, but it's your daughter's choice to help or not. So please don't let that come between you .
Good luck and I'm sorry.
Thank you for the condolences. I wish it weren’t so. You have some good advice about family involvement and expectations and I will heed your good advice. Thank you so much!