By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
I like your suggestion! Maybe get a place for both of them in the Assisted Living Area where they have more freedom and help when needed. Mom could be with him and watch out for him so he doesn’t take off. If she hates that place, maybe find one she would approve of. Yes, she would have to agree to step up and take more responsibility for him BUT they would be together and that would help Dad adjust to not being home much better!
I just had to place my Mom after over 5 years of watching her slowly dissapear in front of me. It was unbelievably stressful and when she got much worse after falling “again” at the end of March, I knew when she did not bounce back, she was in need of constant supervision. I was already past burn out and knew that I could not continue caring for her on this new level. She begged, pleaded, cried, bargained ( I’ll be good now ) and drove me nuts with the same conversation every day until I finally placed her. It was awful. It hurt me to do it to her but there was really no other choice unless I wanted to die of stress before she died from dementia.
She has been there 8 days now and I still am having a hard time getting used to it but, I do notice I am not as stressed out wondering when the next incident will occur. I know she is getting much more attention and have a more productive life than her hiding in her cottage with me waiting on her hand and foot so she could live in the “world of make believe” that nothing was wrong with her. She truly thought she was fine and nothing I said could convince her otherwise. I am still smoothing her care out with physical therapists for her lymphatic leg and training the new hair dresser on how she likes her hair done. Now I need to find a new doc and dentist that are close by her new home and then I will be able to relax a bit more. I hope she adjusts soon, she did say she was pleased with the staff that cares for her.
You seem to have left the building, are you still there? How are things going?
Does this facility have "regular" assisted living? I wonder if he could try that. If he doesn't wander, fine and dandy. If he does, he needs a secure environment.
My mother was on the first floor of her nursing home. The other building on the property housed assisted living. Upstairs from the nursing home was memory care. For some events, some of the more social or more functional memory care residents joined the nursing home. Several would join for musical events, for example. An aide would keep an eye on them during the event. They might stay to socialize with cake and punch after the music. At least this gave the folks whose dementia was less advanced an opportunity for more socialization. Would any of this be available to your dad? Do you think it would help?
What did your mom and dad do together at home? Watch TV together? Go for walks? Have an afternoon snack? Read the Sunday paper and have coffee on the porch? They could probably arrange to do most of the same things together in the care center.
I feel so sad about your dad promising to be good. This isn't a punishment because he was bad. This is an attempt to take care of some special needs he has now. It is Not His Fault. I hope you and the staff remind him of that over and over. He was not bad. He is sick.
This is such a sad situation. I hope you find a way to achieve some improvements.
Your mother wants your father to be happy and safe, cared for at home. She wants to be a good wife. She wants her husband not to be locked away with people he can't talk to. She wants not to feel bad about how she's "treated" him.
None of that is anything that anyone can't understand. The rub is, that you know what happens in reality. Your mother can't cope with your father's dementia-related behaviours, so she shuts herself away in her sewing room and wishes that everything will somehow be okay. Only, it is far from ok.
Increase the amount of support so that she isn't having to handle him on her own? I think if you tried that, you would probably find that she couldn't cope with the intrusion into her routine. Plus, your father's dementia will inevitably worsen so that eventually he is likely to need placing again. But at that time, he'll be even less able to form relationships with the facility's staff and adjust to new surroundings; and your mother will feel even guiltier about "abandoning" him for a second time.
What about looking at alternative facilities? Maybe a continuing care facility with a greater diversity of residents would provide better social opportunities for your father, even be a place your mother might feel more at home.
The men that are there are either bored, wander or get aggressive
It's understandable that mom doesn't want strangers in her house but it wouldn't be right to move her into a memory care facility either
If you are unhappy with the current facility then moving him sooner rather than later is a good idea
If your dad needs a lot of help with Activities of Daily Living (eating, dressing/grooming, bathing, going to the bathroom, and transferring- getting in and out of a chair or the bed.), then he probably has passed mild dementia. If your dad is actually wandering....trying to leave the house because he thinks he needs to be somewhere or is trying to "go home", then a residential memory care placement is probably warranted. If he just wants to take a walk, and still can ask for help and knows who he is, maybe the placement was premature.
Even if the assessment determines a memory care placement is a good idea, there might be a facility with higher functioning residents where he could be placed. There is something called the Eden Alternative. If they have one near you, you could look into it. The two we toured grouped the residents by stages. The members of the group we visited were in much better shape than our loved one who still lives at home!
Again, I really suggest having a Aging Life Specialist talk to you. (Get one whom you pay by the hour. Some are compensated by the services they refer you to.) They might guide you to groups who can assess the situation and they may know more about the resources available to your parents. Hopefully, you can come up with a solution that your mom and dad like better than the one they have.
Because Dad is at risk to wander and Mom has a difficult time supervising him, don’t second guess not only your decision but that of the HHC professionals. If you vacillate, they will pick up on your indecision. There are no guarantees that Dad will be a “good boy” if he comes back home. Dementia is nothing if not unpredictable. And, dementia has no reverse gear; it only gets worse. And Mom can promise to supervise him, but sooner or later, she’ll go back to her sewing room. Could you put a wander guard ankle bracelet on him? Sure. Would Mom hear it and react? Maybe. My mom cut hers off. Twice.
If you feel that this place and Dad are not a good fit, research moving him, especially if he hasn’t been there for a long time. Relocating dementia patients is difficult and confusing for them, it not impossible. My mom’s Memory Care had activities but not a whole lot of them. Ask at his facility if they have anything he could do.
You know you can’t bring Dad home. Don’t let them convince you otherwise. It’s takes a while, but they will get accustomed to this new reality.