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You certainly could not apply for Medicaid for your mother without your father's complete cooperation. It is based on the couple's income and assets.
As sharymarie says, contact the Agency on Aging.
This is not really your responsibility, you know. This is your father's duty as a husband. He's the one who spouts off about fulfilling one's responsibilities. This is his, dear.
You've given yourself one month's deadline to get in-home care. Why the deadline? What happens if you can't set something up in that length of time? Then you give up your future and stay home? No, no, no!
Here is the thing: you can work toward setting up in-home care for your mother EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIVE IN HER HOUSE. Married couples, adult children living in other states, siblings -- people all the time do it who don't live with the patient. My sisters did it for my mother, who lived alone. So please do not tie leaving to solving the in-home care issue.
Long term care insurance usually covers in-home care. Medicaid covers in-home care. Generally health insurance and Medicare do not. Can your parents afford to pay for this themselves? Would the church help them? The way my sisters got in-home care for my mother and the way I did it for my husband was to call Social Services and ask for a needs assessment. Would your father go along with that? I'm sure at some point he'd have to fill out financial statements. This is because our society expects spouses to have primary responsibility for each other.
Sarahalana, you need to get out of that abusive situation. You can continue to work on your mother's behalf (to the extent that you can without your father's cooperation) once you are in Richmond and working. Once you are out of the picture your father and your sister will have to care for your mother. That may make them more receptive to in-home help, even to the point of arranging it themselves. If you visit and find that your mother is not being given the care she needs, report the situation to Adult Protective Services.
You have very limited say over what happens in your parents' house. Sure, try your best to set up something helpful, but recognize you are not in charge and have no control over what your father will accept.
The person you can control is you. MOVE OUT as soon as possible.
I'm sure trying to get him to go to social services or wherever will be like pulling teeth but I do want to do this before I go....Ijust cant shake this guilty feeling...and leaving like that I'm not sure it'll ever leave...
You don't your father to neglect you mother.
You don't want to be the abused scapegoat.
Ya know what? We can't always have what we want. :(
The situation in your household is what it is. It is Not Your Fault.
Your father is who he is. It is Not Your Fault.
You mother has medical care needs. It is Not Your Fault.
Your father needs surgery. It is Not Your Fault.
You did not create this situation. You do not have to fix it before you can leave. Installing that guilt button that makes you think you have to do that or feel terribly guilty the rest of your life is another way your parents have of controlling you. You are way too smart to fall for this, Sarah. You are just too enmeshed in the situation to see clearly. If you were watching a movie about this situation you'd be hollering at the daughter to "Get Out, Get Out!"
He doesn't know, he doesn't care, and you need to find out yourself. Nope. That is HIS responsibility.
Yes, your feeling of guilt will be intense, because that has been instilled in you by abusive parents. You may need some counseling to deal with that and get set free from it. But YOU ARE NOT GUILTY. All of this is Not Your Fault and also Not Your Responsibility.
Most of the people who have responded to your posts are quite a bit older than you. (I'm almost 68). We have a lot of experience under out belts. None of us know you from Adam. We have no reason not to be objective. We have no motive except to help you. Can you trust us?
Go to this link and it will tell you what it does and does not cover and how to get covered services.
To find out about what medicaid covers in your state, contact your local area on aging.
One other thing you can try to find out resources for yourself and family members is if your city has a 211 help line. I don't know where you are but you can pick up the phone and dial 211 and see if it works. If not, do a search on the internet that includes the name of your state and the words elderly aging department division area agency and it should bring you up information about programs and contacts for your state.
You may also want to contact this agency to see if they can give you any resources or advice. It is for younger teens but I'm sure there is info there that could help you.
Google aacy
Perhaps you can get a social worker assigned to her from a local non profit agency such as catholic or jewish services. you don't have to be catholic or jewish to ask them for help.
http://www.npr.org/2012/10/23/163480255/kids-as-caregivers-face-special-challenges
www.medicare.gov/coverage/your-medicare-coverage.html?q=home%20nursing
open the 4th link down called
Home health services | Medicare.gov
Medicare Part A (Hospital Insurance) and/or Medicare Part B (Medical Insurance) covers eligible home health services like intermittent skilled nursing care, ...
I am really really ANGRY at him right now. He needs a good hard WHOP right upside the head. Obviously his father did not raise him well, otherwise he would know how to be a man. Grrrr.....
:/
You need to go away and take care of You, because no one at this home is taking care of you.
Many of us here have had to parent ourselves, have had to love ourselves, have had to talk tenderly to ourselves, because we didn't get that growing up. Some here are taking care of parents that are still abusing them. We want more for you Sara. That's why we are counseling you to move on.