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I had seen this!
I had heard friends tell of this!
I had been part of this too!
A friend, had this triangle system form around her, hated it but couldn't stop it.. until she SAW the pattern.
I'll call my friend *Jan* & her siblings *Marcia & *Bobby*.
Marcia would call Jan. Complain about Bobby. He did this.. he did that, ain't he bad.. pushed Jan to team up with Marcia & exclude Bobby. (These were fully grown ADULTS, not kids).
After some weeks, Bobby would reach out to reconnect with Jan. Sought her sympathy.. Marcia had treated him badly, convinced Jan. So Bobby & Jan would team up & exclude Marcia.
Then after a while, Marcia would call Jan & start her campaign again of HE's at fault. Bobby is the bad guy.
Back & forth.
Occassionally Marcia & Bobby would team up & excluded Jan.
My friend called it a *Toxic Triangle*.
Once she SAW it, saw how she was being manipulated to take sides, be a friend or be assigned the foe... she decided to be NEUTRAL.
Each time one sibling called to moan about the other she said NO.
🛑 I not be your listening post.
🛑 I will not be involved.
📢 If you-Marcia have a problem with Bobby - call Bobby!
📢 If you-Bobby have a problem with Marcia - call Marcia!
And just like that.. their family moved from a toxic triangle style to direct, more honest communication.
I find it amazing.
It is amazing and worth discussing as a topic on this forum. That’s what I love about this forum. It’s wonderful to be able to share these insights with each other.
Gonna go reading for suggestions!
When an elderly becomes dependent due to dementia, physical debility, etc they actually do need help and it can ignite “the victim” and “rescuer” roles for sure. Especially if/when there were any elements of parentification of the child in the original relationship.
this also reminds me of “learned helplessness”
Rescuer to Coach is one.
Just as JoAnn always says.. I can show you the way, not BE the way.
I finally decided not to go because I was so disgusted the three of us couldn’t even get it together for a lousy dinner. I canceled it. My husband and I went out for a beer afterwards. And that was that.
No more triangle for me.
Wise decision to go out for a beer with your husband.
Sadly, some things never change. Why even try to change something when your family dynamics have always been this way?
If I were you. I wouldn’t want to be caught in the middle of your sister’s lives either.
I think it was Beatty who first talked about the Karpman Triangle? It is so absolutely fascinating, and this brief beginning of a very interesting Wikipedia writeup on it should make us all think:
"The Karpman drama triangle is a social model of human interaction proposed by San Francisco psychiatrist Stephen B. Karpman in 1968. The triangle maps a type of destructive interaction that can occur among people in conflict.[1] The drama triangle model is a tool used in psychotherapy, specifically transactional analysis. The triangle of actors in the drama are persecutors, victims, and rescuers.
Karpman described how in some cases these roles were not undertaken in an honest manner to resolve the presenting problem, but rather were used fluidly and switched between by the actors in a way that achieved unconscious goals and agendas. The outcome in such cases was that the actors would be left feeling justified and entrenched, but there would often be little or no change to the presenting problem, and other more fundamental problems giving rise to the situation remained unaddressed."
and etc. I highly recommending looking this syndrome up on Wiki; it's absolutely fascinating.
Most involved in this destructive and ongoing mess do NOT want our help. In fact, they only want to TALK ABOUT THIS. They want the attention. They are actors in their own play and they believe YOU just bought a ticket.
Anyways I see where it could help you figure out where in life you are to help you realize your behavior, or why the same things keep happening to you, and why you always end up with the same kinds of people. That's what I'm getting out of it, if I'm correct?
Personally I'm still working on the golden child -scapegoat relationships. In my mental health crusade. 🤯 Accepting that I'm the scapegoat
Life is SO interesting!
Do read the Wikipedia writeup on it. It's quite a lot of fun. See if you can see any sort of fit.