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Were you helping with the caregiving when you lived there?
Can you assist your sibling in getting dad into a care facility? Is that what you think he wants?
Brother is not just “venting”. It’s wonderful you don’t take it personally, but he needs help. He needs you to be there and support him. Offer to research facilities or in-home help. For Dad’s sake, you need to help your brother out.
LEt brother know you know exactly how he feels, and together come up with a plan that can work for all 3 of you.
I'd take the venting personally. He's not doubt mad at you for stepping away and now having a life. CG is depressing and grinding and the worst paid profession, I think.
You've been there, you' ve done it and you have a lot of insight.
For dad's sake, for brother's and yours, dad needs to be elsewhere. And brother probably needs a decent job.
It sounds as though your line of thinking is "I did it without complaining, why can't you?" Is that about it?
Selfish? I'm not sure about that. You say that he says "dad is getting worse". Does dad have dementia? That progresses, and what was "doable" by one person 6 months ago may no longer be possible.
Can I assume that you're a girl and he's a boy? Or rather the adult versions?
I am not a guy-basher! But I've often found that SOME men find this care-giving stuff to be much harder than women do. I don't know if it's because they weren't taught those skills or are less skillful at seeking out advice.
How about giving your brother this website as a "go to" place to vent and get useful tips?
from the beginning of my journey with my parents, as soon as I saw something that needed to be done, I was on it. I put myself in that situation. because I already knew I had to. (I just knew I was the one who was going to have to STEP UP)
so maybe you are the responsible one and your brother is not.
I told myself at the beginning. I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO. what the other person does or does not do, doesn't matter to me.
not trying to put myself on a pedestal. but I felt I wanted to make sure my mom and dad had everything done for them. I don't care if it was all on me. take my sibling out of the equation (in my mind) because I'm not going to change my sibling.
I don't have it as hard im sure because my mom and dad went to AL. but the beginning was really rough. its was overwhelming. each year gets easier but harder at the same time. (harder as my moms dementia get worse)
so ask your brother what does he want to do? tell him you are at your wits end too. make a plan so you can both go on with your lives.
Where you take this now is up to you. Even when we give up the day to day, we are still caregivers until the person passes. Try to put aside your ouchy feelings and ask Brother if he thinks you should enlist the help of home health care.
No matter who does it there is no doubt that caregiving is the most thankless job in the world. If my kids knew what I have to do for their dad on a day to day basis, they’d be shocked and amazed. And I wouldn’t wish it on them for anything in the world.
Sorry people, everything was OK when sister did everything. Looks to me like brother never contributed anything to the household. Now he has to do something, Oh My God! Really, he comes home at maybe five, Dad is in bed maybe 11pm. He can't care for Dad for six hours! But, he expects sister to do it. I'm with sister. Maybe Dad doesn't need that much help brother just not willing to do. He had it good before now.
I had an Aunt who used to piss me off. She was born at the end of 8 children. The first six grew up during the depression and the war. By the time my Aunt came along things were looking up. The older ones were getting married and had moved out. My GF had a good paying job and she was his favorite. She was the laziest person. Her house was filthy. She knew it all. She would brag how smart she was and never held down a job. Her mother always had health problems. Got to the point my Gma was having spells. So my Mom or cousin would spend the night with her. My uncle would check on her everyday after work. Eventually, the oldest daughter thought it would be best for my Gma to sleep at her home at night. OD held down a f/t job. She would take her mother to her house every morning and pick her up after work every night. This went on for a while. Eventually the youngest daughter moved in with Gma. In all this time my Aunt did nothing for her mother. OD retired and moved leaving five of Gmas kids living in the same town. It got where Gma's Dementia was getting worse so low and behold, Aunt takes her in for two years. All we heard from then on was how much she did for her mother. How OD left when Mom needed her most. The woman had 8 kids! The OD had done her share. So, I can see where spoiled brother is coming from and its time he grew up.
All we do to live RENT free in serving their needs. Free? There' nothing free.
If he is stating he can't do it then he is telling the truth.
A few small errands morph into more and more and more - and he has found his cut loose point as crappy as it feels to hear it.
Just try to keep communication open with your dad in case your brother starts telling dad lies about you like mine did. I wish you the very best.
Without knowing the situation my guess is fear, watching the little changes in your father daily, loss of freedom, expenses.. are playing into his Emotions.
Open communication... helping each other... setting boundaries.
You will work through it.
Hope your father is well.