By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Without knowing the situation my guess is fear, watching the little changes in your father daily, loss of freedom, expenses.. are playing into his Emotions.
Open communication... helping each other... setting boundaries.
You will work through it.
Hope your father is well.
Just try to keep communication open with your dad in case your brother starts telling dad lies about you like mine did. I wish you the very best.
All we do to live RENT free in serving their needs. Free? There' nothing free.
If he is stating he can't do it then he is telling the truth.
A few small errands morph into more and more and more - and he has found his cut loose point as crappy as it feels to hear it.
Sorry people, everything was OK when sister did everything. Looks to me like brother never contributed anything to the household. Now he has to do something, Oh My God! Really, he comes home at maybe five, Dad is in bed maybe 11pm. He can't care for Dad for six hours! But, he expects sister to do it. I'm with sister. Maybe Dad doesn't need that much help brother just not willing to do. He had it good before now.
I had an Aunt who used to piss me off. She was born at the end of 8 children. The first six grew up during the depression and the war. By the time my Aunt came along things were looking up. The older ones were getting married and had moved out. My GF had a good paying job and she was his favorite. She was the laziest person. Her house was filthy. She knew it all. She would brag how smart she was and never held down a job. Her mother always had health problems. Got to the point my Gma was having spells. So my Mom or cousin would spend the night with her. My uncle would check on her everyday after work. Eventually, the oldest daughter thought it would be best for my Gma to sleep at her home at night. OD held down a f/t job. She would take her mother to her house every morning and pick her up after work every night. This went on for a while. Eventually the youngest daughter moved in with Gma. In all this time my Aunt did nothing for her mother. OD retired and moved leaving five of Gmas kids living in the same town. It got where Gma's Dementia was getting worse so low and behold, Aunt takes her in for two years. All we heard from then on was how much she did for her mother. How OD left when Mom needed her most. The woman had 8 kids! The OD had done her share. So, I can see where spoiled brother is coming from and its time he grew up.
Where you take this now is up to you. Even when we give up the day to day, we are still caregivers until the person passes. Try to put aside your ouchy feelings and ask Brother if he thinks you should enlist the help of home health care.
No matter who does it there is no doubt that caregiving is the most thankless job in the world. If my kids knew what I have to do for their dad on a day to day basis, they’d be shocked and amazed. And I wouldn’t wish it on them for anything in the world.
from the beginning of my journey with my parents, as soon as I saw something that needed to be done, I was on it. I put myself in that situation. because I already knew I had to. (I just knew I was the one who was going to have to STEP UP)
so maybe you are the responsible one and your brother is not.
I told myself at the beginning. I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO. what the other person does or does not do, doesn't matter to me.
not trying to put myself on a pedestal. but I felt I wanted to make sure my mom and dad had everything done for them. I don't care if it was all on me. take my sibling out of the equation (in my mind) because I'm not going to change my sibling.
I don't have it as hard im sure because my mom and dad went to AL. but the beginning was really rough. its was overwhelming. each year gets easier but harder at the same time. (harder as my moms dementia get worse)
so ask your brother what does he want to do? tell him you are at your wits end too. make a plan so you can both go on with your lives.
Can I assume that you're a girl and he's a boy? Or rather the adult versions?
I am not a guy-basher! But I've often found that SOME men find this care-giving stuff to be much harder than women do. I don't know if it's because they weren't taught those skills or are less skillful at seeking out advice.
How about giving your brother this website as a "go to" place to vent and get useful tips?
It sounds as though your line of thinking is "I did it without complaining, why can't you?" Is that about it?
Selfish? I'm not sure about that. You say that he says "dad is getting worse". Does dad have dementia? That progresses, and what was "doable" by one person 6 months ago may no longer be possible.
LEt brother know you know exactly how he feels, and together come up with a plan that can work for all 3 of you.
I'd take the venting personally. He's not doubt mad at you for stepping away and now having a life. CG is depressing and grinding and the worst paid profession, I think.
You've been there, you' ve done it and you have a lot of insight.
For dad's sake, for brother's and yours, dad needs to be elsewhere. And brother probably needs a decent job.
Brother is not just “venting”. It’s wonderful you don’t take it personally, but he needs help. He needs you to be there and support him. Offer to research facilities or in-home help. For Dad’s sake, you need to help your brother out.
Were you helping with the caregiving when you lived there?
Can you assist your sibling in getting dad into a care facility? Is that what you think he wants?