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I set boundaries and the claws come out. I’m tired, very tired. I have to deal with payback from my mother for setting boundaries.


Last night I hear her call my younger brother. Today she calls my older brother, all to trash me! Sickening!


She knows they will take her side and then it’s three against one. I can’t win! She stirs the pot! Doesn’t fight fair.


Involves them in my business that doesn’t concern them. I told her she needs to think about what she did and should feel bad about it and she says, “They are family and I want to speak to them.” Yeah, right! That’s fine but I don’t speak to them about her and she shouldn’t speak to them about me!


They do nothing while I wipe her a**, bathe her from head to toe, change soiled sheets, cook and clean, empty bedside commode, etc. I take her to doctor appointments. I do everything! They get respect and I don’t! I must be the biggest idiot on the face of the earth!


Boundary setting doesn’t work all the time! She has a mean streak when she wants to show it. I sacrifice so much for her and this is how she repays me.


Just need to vent. I think I am losing it. I really do. I can’t have a logical conversation with her anymore. She wants to blame me for everything! I need a break so badly.


This is what scares me. I want her out of my house. I wish she had never moved in. It added an enormous amount of stress in our lives.


If I find a place for her to live I don’t know if I could even visit right now because I am so upset. What the hell is happening to me? I am my mother’s biggest advocate. Why am I feeling this way? I don’t know what to think about her or myself. Too much togetherness for way too long. It just isn’t healthy. I’m so empty that I can’t even cry. Is that bad?


Also, is it bad not to eat? So hard to eat. I get nauseous if I try so why bother, right? I cook for my husband and mom. I get sick to my stomach just smelling the food. Is that normal? I drink coffee and diluted juice, water with a splash of juice. My clothes are baggy. Who cares...Where do I go? My house is a prison. What does it matter if I lose weight and have baggy clothes?

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I can't remember the details of how you came to be your mother's caregiver but I think I recall you were much happier when she was in rehab. It seems to me that your relationship with her has always been a seesaw, why are you putting yourself through this?
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Time to take the bull by the horns and place her in AL. If you don't, she will most likely outlive you...not good....give yourself the right to enjoy your life with your husband and grandchildren. You are not being fair to yourself or your family.
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I don’t know, cwille. I don’t know anything anymore. She pulled this crap in rehab too. She tried to get me to do everything there when she had a staff to do it. I did some things but not all of what she asked. She can’t understand why I am telling her no to things. It’s so upsetting. She asks for stupid crap. I’m tired of it all.

I want to get in my car and start driving and never look back.
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Call your doctor tomorrow. First thing.

Get yourself in for a checkup and be HONEST with your doc about how you are feeling. I think you may need to get checked in to a hospital to find out what is going on with you physically.

I don't recall either how your mom came to be in your home, but it's quite clear that this is NOT working out. You need to call the local Area Agency on Aging and determine with them what mom's NEEDS are and what her resources are. They can do a needs assessment and tell you if she needs Memory Care, AL or NH.

You and mom, for whatever reason, are like oil and water. It's not working. If you need to evict her, so be it. You need to take care of yourself, because no one else will.

And if you're not around to advocate for mom, who else will step up?

I guess we could all say "well, mom has Parkinson's and maybe there is some dementia mixed in with that; she can't help it" but it sounds as though you've never had the best relationship with her.

To quote my dear, dear SIL, who loved my mom a lot more than ANY of her children, when we realized that Mom had Vascular dementia...."well, I always thought that mom could come live with us when she got old, but not if she's crazy". (This was after mom determined that her aides were all having sex in her bathroom at the rehab place, and that dead bodies were being carted around all the time...SIL is a smart cookie and realized that having someone delusion in her home would be the end of her mental health).
(12)
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I have started the process of aid and assistance but it’s a lot of paperwork. I am not finished with it. I am not sure if it will be enough for AL. Plus, she will have to have an evaluation first. Mom has Parkinson’s disease. So she might end up in a nursing home.
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If your mother doesn't understand why you are saying "no" when there is staff to do stuff, that is a clear indication that her reasoning skills are no longer functioning. Any reasonable (non mentally ill, non demented parent) realizes that their children are not their servants.
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I had to log back in just to "like" your post Barb, I especially liked your SIL's comment!😂
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cwille,

Mom lost her home in Katrina. She moved in then. It was an emotional time. I just wanted to comfort her. Big mistake. I had no idea how moving a parent in would change our lives so much.
(6)
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I think you have recognized for a while now that you do not wish to care for your mother in your home any longer. It is time now to either take action, or to realize that this--all of it--is your choice.
I believe you are aware that this is harming you, and you are continuing to allow it to happen. In a very real sense that is self-harming. I hope you will take control eventually, and make the changes that will allow a happier life for, I suspect, all concerned.
I could be missing something if this was a family dynamic for most of your life? The energy you are choosing to waste in this way is robbed from those who need you, and who need your love, and who need you whole.
I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. I know there will be tears and tantrums. But that is the way of it. You have others to whom you owe first obligation.
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Barb,

My doctor will blow a rod. She is not happy with me now. My BP is too high. I started doing some heart tests but haven’t finished because mom needed me. She isn’t happy that I can’t eat. I can’t help it. Some people have stronger stomachs than me, I guess. Since the bedside commode I just can’t eat that well.

I like my doctor. She’s very accommodating to me. She knows my situation with mom and had me scheduled for the GYN but said, “I will just do your pap here in my office.” That saved me some time. But she said I am not letting you off the hook for cardio visits. I had no idea that a pap had to be done until 65! I did my mammogram like she wanted me to. But it’s one thing after another with mom.
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Barb,

Please answer this for me. Is wanting someone to feel guilty all the time normal? She told me earlier that I was being mean to her because I told her that I was not going to spend all afternoon looking for a pair of misplaced underwear for her when she has 12 other pairs!

She wants me to feel guilty if I don’t jump when she tells me to. I have had enough.

I swear I can’t relax with her wanting to find nonsense crap for me to do.
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Jumping in when there is a crisis is understandable, but that shouldn't have meant you are obligated to be the solution forever.
(9)
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No, my dear, wanting for someone to wait on you all the time is not normal.

She doesn't WANT you to feel guilty; she wants you to DO for her.

It's not the same thing at all.

Guilt is a feeling that arises from doing something wrong. Did you do something wrong? I don't think so.

I think you did something kind and generous. Your mom wants things to be HER way.

Sorry mom. This is my house. I need to take care of me, so my rules are what apply here. If that is not to your liking, I'm sure your other kids would be happy to take you in.

My grandma lived with us when I was a teenager. She tried to control my mom by saying "my, how you've changed! Ever since you married that Eyetalian" (my dad)".

Let me tell you; that didn't fly with my mom. Got to see my parents stand up for themselves and their marriage. Grandma still grumbled, but she didn't try to Fear Obligation and Guilt so much.

You need to get your mom to a geriatric psych for meds for her ongoing mental issues, just as a side bar.
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You’re right, of course. I feel like an idiot! I start feeling sorry for mom. It’s a mess. But I am starting to hate this crap more and more. That isn’t good for anyone.
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May be. I know I am starting to question things with her and it’s getting to me. I thought eventually I would get my appetite back. Food doesn’t matter too much anymore. Okay, I haven’t ever had a huge appetite but I ate, at least one or two meals. I force myself to eat a couple of bites but feel like I will throw up with any more than that.
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I don’t know what my brothers will do. I guess a home. One brother is working full time. He only has a one bedroom apartment. He doesn’t do well around sick people.

My other brother is retired but has heart issues like my dad did. His wife works shift work and would not want to care for mom.
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The last visit with her doctor I asked about meds. She said because mom is on Parkinson’s meds and seizure meds that I have to take her to a neuropsychiatrist. to make sure there are no drug interactions. Mom probably wouldn’t agree to it but her anxiety is horrible. I think it is crazy to obsess over a hairbrush, underwear, a nail file, etc.
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Has she always been this needy and compulsive?

If you say " no mom, you've got other underwear, I'll find them tomorrow. How about a cookie?" How does she react?

Can she be distracted, or is this about control?
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So you get her to a geripsych. Is that a problem?
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I am glad your mom handled it well with your grandma. I think my daughters are getting upset with me for keeping mom here. My youngest will be graduating from her university this year. I am not about to miss her graduation. My mom better not come up with crazy nonsense! I’m so proud of her. She’s smart, on Dean’s list. I miss seeing my kids.
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Nhwm "It's one thing after another with mom".

Who is mom's health care proxy?

At some point, less is more. When my mom went into IL, her geriatrics doctor took her off all meds except BP and anxiety. No more running to specialists.

If mom had a complaint, I'd call the geriatrics doc. No more emergencies.

"I'll see about that, mom".

Your mom would be so much happier in a facility where she can grouse with the other ladies about the food.
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It's normal for people to disagree and normal for people to sometimes say no, what isn't normal is to wrap your whole life around someone elses needs and desires and to feel fear and guilt for putting anything else first. The F.O.G. in your posts is so pervasive I think that it must be the result of lifelong conditioning.
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She has always been a perfectionist! My mom has to have everything accounted for. Quirky, I guess. All her life. My dad was orderly but not crazy about it.

She was very talented. I swear she had the makings of a designer! She would sketch clothes, no pattern and sewing for women when she was a teenager! She said it was wealthy women who would buy her expensive fabric too, to sew for herself.

She crocheted, knitted, embroidered, sewed, you name it she did it. She was such a perfectionist that she was a lousy teacher. I wanted so badly to make pretty things like her. I was never as good. It frustrated her. I gave up. She got upset with me.

I had to take lessons from other people. She was always a quick study. She sold tons at her craft fairs. The Parkinson’s really threw her for a loop! She no longer could do those things. Maybe she feels bored or useless. I don’t know. I think she could be depressed too.
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I think you are right and I don’t want to admit it. When I went to therapy the social worker asked me to describe my childhood in one word. He gave me a minute and asked what the word was.

I told him that I had felt like I was the ‘forgotten’ child. He said that I still felt that way. I guess he’s right.
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Barb,

In rehab I desperately tried to get her to speak to other ladies. She never would. But I know the women in rehab liked her. I couldn’t believe how fast two little old women were rolling down the hall in wheelchairs to make sure they got to tell her goodbye on her last day. She spent three weeks there and according to PT, OT and the social worker she worked hard and everyone loved her. So why is she like this at home?
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She got mad. Said she wanted her pretty underwear with the lace elastic. She loves her fancy things. My kids say she is more stylish than me.
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I can take her but can they convince her that she needs meds?
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She's like this at home because she is allowed to be that way.

What is her level of need? Can you just go out and go to the library each day? Do you have a job?

Your mother's happiness is not your responsibility. If she cares to interact with others, that's her lookout. Why do you feel such an obligation to make her happy?
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So about the guilt? Am I really misreading this? Maybe I am. I am trying to get more sleep. I went to bed at 10:00. It was a good night. I was able to sleep until 6:00. Still, emotional exhaustion is awful.
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I know. Looking back I let it continue far too long. I have several people who lived a long time in my family! Mom is almost 94. My cousin is 97. She’s doing great!

I don’t know about mom. Yes, no high BP, no cholesterol issues, no diabetes. I cook healthy. The Parkinson’s is progressing slowly according to her neurologist. She hasn’t had a seizure since 1996.

Okay, what’s left? Cognitive decline? That is a possibility. I’m not a psychiatrist. I don’t feel qualified in judging that. Something could be off. Who knows?
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