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The MINUTE your parent gets admitted to a hospital/rehab or other facility, contact the "discharge planning office" and start a conversation with them about where your parent will reside next.
Understand that you CAN refuse to take your parent home if you believe that it is an "unsafe discharge". Don't get bullied into picking them up.
Psych medication for folks with cognitive decline and dementia is still in its infancy, but even though it is more of an art than a science, the right meds, whether anti-depressants, anti anxiety meds, anti psychotics....they can make a huge different in the ability for your demented parent to function day to day.
First, about this site. Such great advice, understanding, and support can be found here!
Next, that the needs of the LO may start small but will only increase with time. It's insidious.
Before committing to caring for someone, know your own limits - physically, emotionally, financially, etc. Make sure your LO knows those limits from the get-go. Have Plan B in place (even if in theory) before you reach your limits.
Know that the better you do your job, the easier it is for family/friends to assume you've got it handled and fade away. Ask for specific help when needed.
If you are caring for someone, make sure you have POAs. There are too many stories on this site of one sibling doing the caretaking while another sibling has POA. The POA sibling controls the purse strings and may not put the needs of the LO first which can put the caretaking sibling in a precarious position.
Know that your time and effort are valuable. If you aren't being respected, it's OK to say so. If you need to take a break, then do it (no guilt if possible).
If you choose to care for someone, know that it will be hard at times. But, for myself, it's also something that has given me peace after my MIL died.
1. And before your loved one becomes incompetent, get durable powers of attorney in place. Once they become incompetent, they cannot give a POA, you will have to go to court to get guardianship. $$$.
2. Accept that your parents condition will only get worse. You may be able to care for them today, but it will get worse.
3. If your parents move in with you, do not expect any help from siblings, you cannot force them. Even if they try to help, it will not be as much as they "offer". Between their getting ill, the Covaid, whatever, they will not come as much as they say they will.
4. Be aware that if your parents need Medicaid, it is confusing. If they make gifts to you in the prior 5 years (less in some states), there can be a look back, a penalty period for which they do not get Medicaid. If they have any money, you may need a certified eldercare attorney. Not just any attorney, one with experience.
4. Medicare will only pay for acute care, not long term care. Medicaid is state by state, will pay for nursing homes (NH) in every state, but Assisted Living, Memory care or home health care is state by state and there may be a wait list.
5. It may be easiest to get your parents into a good NH by being private pay first, and then when their money runs out, Medicaid.
6. If either parent was a Veteran, the VA has a program for Veterans Aid and Attendance, for Vets without lower income and assets. Worth investigating.
"THIS PERSON HAS DEMENTIA, THEY CAN NOT ANSWER QUESTIONS RESPONSIBLY....DIRECT QUESTIONS TO..............."
Make sure this same information is clearly written in their medical chart and on the ID bracelet since they all ask ..what is your name, what is your birth-date before giving meds or drawing blood or taking them for a test.
Not unless you’ve got a nice sized “nest egg” stashed away.
TIme after time after time - we see the loved one needing to be moved into a care facility - and the elders home must be sold in order to pay for their care. You now are in an urgent need of finding a new place to live. But guess what? Because you gave up your job you don’t have enough money to pay for a new place to live.
In addition - giving up your job also means you are no longer paying into your social security fund - which will effect you directly by way of a smaller SS check once you hit retirement age.
It’s sounds ideal in the start. Mom only needs a bit of help and someone to live with her “just in case”. Moms house is paid for so the expenses are small - food and utilities, some incidentals and those can be covered with the elders SS check - and perhaps your own if your old enough - or maybe you are getting some disability money. Easy, right? Not after mom has that fall that renders her wheelchair bound and a full assist and you just can’t provide that level of care. It’s hard. Really, really hard. Never underestimate that. So, off mom goes to a facility.
Where does that leave you? Medicaid says sell the house. Siblings say sell the house. Even if no one sells the house - can you on your own pay all that it takes to keep a house? Cuz moms SS check is now going towards her care. It’s all on you.
Don’t say this won’t happen to you. We see it ALLLL the time.
First, it’s easy to lost sight that the person you’re caring for is still a person with valid wants, opinions, thoughts, and contributions no matter how small. In the midst of trying to plan for them, to figure out what’s best, don’t lose sight of the person who’s still there, even when it’s so hard to remember what once was.
Second, if and when you choose to use hospice services, know that they will provide all supplies and support you could possibly need, but the hands on care around the clock is on you to provide. Be prepared to do this with family, volunteers, hired help, whatever you need to piece together, but know it’s 24/7 and so very hard
This includes letting your own feelings hide the truth AND letting the feelings of OTHERS hide the truth.
Resolve any contentious issues that haven't been addressed. Most people have regrets because of what they didn't do rather than what they've done.
Understand that there is no playbook or manual for being a caregiver. It's all on the job training.
Seek help early. The time will come when you can no longer be the sole caregiver.
Maintain the dignity of those living with dementia. Allow them to retain a feeling of worth and independence as long as possible.
The elder IS NOT the only one that matters.
DO NOT let a demented mind run the show.
You are no longer the child that has to do whatever you are told by your parents. You are an adult and you have choices in the situation.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/common-caregiving-abbreviations-and-acronyms-435589.htm
Get paid for caregiving while you are doing it, with a well-written agreement in case the parent could eventually apply to Medicaid.
The ones that you sign in a hospital or doctor's office have a 12 month expiration period. Having one that never expires is soooooooo much easier.
Would bringing a meal once a week or cleaning the kitchen be more helpful.
Tell people what you need. I know that I never want to just jump in for fear of causing offence but I am more than willing to do whatever they need, I just need to be told. I can't imagine that I am the only one that feels that way. So be specific and when someone asks to help, take it.
If you think that your parent is "just" getting old and crotchety, anxious, more stubborn...get them a comprehensive cognitive assessment to find out exactly what you are dealing with. For us, it was a life saver.
Keep your appointments for physicals, health screening, dentist, eye doctor etc.
It's tempting, to blow off your own appointments when you feel like all you do is sit in one doctor's waiting room after another, but your health is paramount. You can't take care of someone else if you're sick yourself!
Thank you for this thread! It is so very interesting, and I think will be very helpful to new posters.
There are some retired professionals in various helping professions, and some currently working caregivers who post here. They too are greatly appreciated for their time.
However, no one is licensed to practice law with a poster here, or use their R.N. license, social work, therapy license, CNA, or give actual medical advice as a doctor specific to a patient.
The advice is for informational purposes only. I think those past and present caregivers who have been, or are presently in the trenches, giving care, who have experienced caregiving can give some of the best answers, whether licensed in their field or not.
A new poster can choose the advice they want to follow, and leave the rest.
This is going to be one of the very best threads in a long time, imo.
My mom did ask me to promise her years ago that I would never put her in a nursing home - she wanted to live in her own house until she died. I never did "promise" her that. When I had to place her, I moved her into an IL/AL facility and now she is in a new IL/AL facility in the memory care wing. I found a place that didn't look anything like a NH. Being that my mom is 95, I think she remembers visiting a couple of her high school classmates who lived in a NH in a very small town in Western Nebraska and I think it always haunted her thinking that is what they all are and look like. So many places have come a long way from that image - thankfully. She likes her new place even though it is quite a bit smaller than the previous one because of the cost plus the fact she really doesn't need a bigger one anymore since she declined this year.
Stick to the facts and a lot of times the solution becomes obvious.
Siblings took full advantage that Parents were always my responsibility. They went to Lawyer Mom already had dementia. I am not POA or Health Proxy, if you think something is wrong it is. Greed makes a big difference, make sure you have rights in writing, no one will help you later.
To a new poster....please never consider doing anything that would jeopardize your future or your family's future. You can help without giving up your life. Often a poster is conned into giving up their life because the elder refuses to make even one change in theirs.
Don't fool yourself into thinking you can solve all their problems but just doing.....
You can't..especially the problems that they purposely made.
If you choose to help do not get mad at others for not helping too. You made your choice, they made theirs. Neither of you are wrong. Or so often we see you did realize you chose wrong and now want everyone else to suffer along with you.
Cannot stress boundaries enough. Make 'em and enforce 'em.
Can you elaborate on the issues making this necessary?
In that same vein, as your LO approaches the end, sometimes doctors look to do procedures to extend life at cost of quality. Ask about the benefits vs the cost - and I don't mean monetary costs. Sometimes, a peaceful pain-free death is not the worst option on the table. Some doctors, however, have a hard time reconciling that fact.