I came here to say that so many of you were right when you told me to walk away months ago. I think I had to learn this for myself. Hopefully it spares me from going through something like this again. Maybe someone else can learn from this.
Over 4 months of trying to help my father who is paranoid, delusional, with cognitive decline, and short term memory loss. Thousands of dollars spent, countless hours, and so much stress and nothing has changed about the situation.
His attorney has not submitted her answer to the court (we filed the petition in mid-October). She reached out to my attorney and thinks that he was able to answer her questions properly and he doesn’t think he needs a guardian of person or property so it would go need to go to trial if I wanted to pursue it.
I will not fight this. So it’s going to end here.
In the meantime he throws away good food, throws away bath towels, has barricaded himself in his apartment. Has been making chemical concoctions to use against his neighbor. He has accused his neighbor of raping him, punching him in the neck repeatedly, and breaking in his home, poisoning him, mailing explosives, and stealing from him. He has called police on his neighbor for these things repeatedly and called the station harassing them. His neighbor got a peace order against him and a then after the PO was issued, a second degree assault charge (he knocked on the man’s door and threw soapy water in his face). He was never arrested and his attorney seems to have made the assault charge completely disappear from the court records.
He has gone to the ER 15 times in 4 months due to his delusions, overdosing on ibuprofen, and falling. Discharged on his own each time. Christmas Eve, I learned he was at the hospital (he was also there on the 23rd). He said his neighbor punched him in the neck and was dizzy. I told them not to discharge him. Explained the situation. They recommended him to go to a SNF, but he refused. So they discharged him.
Meanwhile he had a pending eviction and no place set up to move to. But doesn’t remember that and doesn’t have the capacity to find a place to live anyway. And when it’s brought up to him and he’s reminded he thinks I’m supposed to find him a cheap apartment to move to.
His neighbor reached out to me to let me know he wants my help and he thinks he’s dying and he doesn’t have a phone (not sure if he lost it, didn’t pay the bill, broke it). I told her that she should call 911 and or APS.
I’ve not talked to him in weeks. I cut all contact except when my husband had him on the phone while he was in the ER trying to convince him to go to the SNF.
I was still hoping that a guardian could be appointed so he could be safe and taken care of. But I don’t think that’s going to happen.
His landlord has been granted an immediate eviction. In our state they can happen pretty quickly. So it’s any day now.
So after all of this, he’s going to be at homeless shelter and maybe end up in psych ward or on the streets.
I was foolish for getting involved to try to help someone who was never there for me and used me. Someone who never wanted to help themselves. So how did I ever think I could help him?
I’ve recognized that he’s had mental issues my entire life. I just never thought much about it and wasn’t around him enough to see him for what he is.
It’s a very sad situation. Yes, I am grieving over this. Maybe not so much that I couldn’t help but that this relationship was never and was never going to be what I thought it should.
Yes, grieve the father you deserved, but didn't get.
Protect yourself by from the craziness.
You are not the only one who didn't get that, and yes you can mourn over that fact if you want.
Growing up in an abusive and very dysfunctional home myself, I had always said that if I ever cried when either of my parents died, it would be for what I never had not because they were dead.
And because I had made my peace with my dysfunctional childhood and forgave my parents many years before they passed, I actually didn't cry for any reason when they died.
So perhaps it's time to forgive your father for not being able to be the man you needed him to be, so you can move forward in a more healthy way and get on with living and enjoying your life.
Sending many blessings your way as you walk away from this very dysfunctional situation, knowing you did the best you could.
Call APS and call them every time.
Call the police. Refer your dad's neighbors to the police and APS.
Do not become involved. There is nothing you can do here.
If you must write it out to yourself a million times, fill your walls with it in marker, the do it.
There is nothing I can do here.
There is nothing I can do here.
There is nothing I can do here.
There is nothing I can do here.
You have tried EVERYTHING including our court system you protect your father.
There is nothing you can do here, Windy. I am so sorry. But I think finally you do recognize it.
It will never be easy to live with this, but there is nothing you can do here.
When I forgave my parents many years ago for years of abuse, it felt like a 100 lb. weight had been lifted from me, and it was then and only then that I could move forward in my own life in a more healthy way.
Keeping unforgiveness in ones heart only hurts that person and makes them bitter, not the one who harmed them. That's why forgiveness is so powerful.
Although I feel defeated, I do feel like a huge weight of this burden has been lifted from me.
We are in Maryland. He has to threaten suicide for me to petition for an emergency hold or end up in the hospital with 2 Dr’s signing off for him to go to psych involuntary.
I’ve called the police on him when he was telling me he was going to harm his neighbor. My husband went there and that’s when he was barricaded and had a concoction. It took police 2 hours to get there and they asked him he wanted to harm himself. He said no. They talked to my husband. We’re understanding but there was nothing they could do.
He literally called the police from his hospital bed in the ER because he said they were withholding food and water. On the same visit he refused potassium pills because he thought they were giving him sleeping pills. They didn’t see either of these events as any cause for concern to have a SW visit with him or keep him for further evaluation. They discharged him in an Uber back to his place alone shortly after.
I’ve learned recently that because the hospital that he goes to all of the time does not have a psych unit, the chances of them transporting him is slim. He also doesn’t have health insurance so it seems they just want him out of there.
He is able to keep it together just enough when he’s around people. He doesn’t elaborate on a lot and answers yes and know. Most of his delusions and paranoia happen in the evening so the agencies that show up like APS, crisis, his attorney do so during the day when he is calmer. He will tell bizarre stories that aren’t true but they don’t recognize that.
I knew for sure that he would violate that peace order. And when he did, the police did nothing. They made the victim go to the court house and file charges. He should have been arrested on the spot.
Your story is tragic. Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
He doesn’t know where I live and it’s not too close to him. But he probably does still know the name of my business and the city that’s it in.
This has been a fear of mine. But I will call the police or ambulance if he shows up.