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please remember you did the best you knew to do, at the time. we are all just human and human make errors; thus God does forgive us when we ask. my mom passed at home 9/3/21 from unnecessary procedure after a stroke. i ask myself daily did i do enough, as well as the If's, Had I, Why's, these thoughts just torment us and what we need to do is think about the Good Times, The I Love you times, etc., i know its hard to do but when those thoughts come to mind stop and say: God has forgiven me and my Mom knows i loved her and today i start learning to love me. God bless you and i hope your feeling better.
I know a couple of people that went to see Theresa, the Long Island medium when she was here in New Orleans and they got readings from her. They said that she was spot on! One friend said that she gave information about their grandmother that she could never have known. They feel that she has a ‘true’ gift of communication with the dead. They were very comforted by her words.
I have a friend that lost her husband over ten years ago. She is absolutely miserable. I feel so badly for her. I wish that she could focus on the good memories. She is like the OP. She punishes herself for losing her patience with him.
Oh my gosh, everyone has lost patience with people at one time or another. People need to forgive themselves.
When you recall your behavior during those dark days, shove away those memories and bury them. DO NOT allow those memories to infest your mind any longer.
Immediately, bring forth the memories when you made your mother happy, you listened to her favorite stories, or shared a favorite conversation. Think of how you strived to care for her. Think of her in her healthy days and the fun, travels, and experiences you shared. In time, positive memories will remain in the forefront of your mind.
You matter, Hope. You deserve to treat yourself better. *hug*
God forgives you because you are sincerely sorry. Your mom is at peace now and I am sure that she would want you to be at peace. Please forgive yourself.
God bless you
The dementia that you got angry with, was not your mother. Sit down, close your eyes and let your mother (the before dementia one) speak to you in your head. You know exactly what she would say, so calm your mind and listen. You do not deserve to feel this way and your mother's memory does not deserve this. Remember the countless good things you did for her, the happy memories and the laughs and focus on them. Write them down, read them, switch to them every time you feel the guilt. Dementia took your mum, she does not want it to ruin your life too, that would break her heart.
Each person has to find ways of forgiveness in themselves, whether praying on it or just seeking out therapy, both of which aren’t foolproof. If you have memories of more days with her than bad, that’s a blessing itself. I hope you are doing better now than before. What I tell myself for my future self is to try and have a laugh with my dad every day, whether from a mental mistake he makes or I do, or something funny on tv or whatever. Laughter has saved me a lot. And it’s irreplaceable in memories kept close.
My condolences over the loss of your mom. Wishing you the best moving forward
I only wished after mom passed away I did what my sisters did to not share of mom care . They said because I am single and they have families. Now They have peace with themselves.
Thank you all for warm , nice words. I will try do what you advised.
You regret how you acted sometimes. That's understandable. That's part of the healing process.
I hope, in time you can forgive yourself and move on.
Big hug.
It is a terrible disease that other generations did not have to deal with like we are now. Smile and sing a song you both loved. There's within your heart a bunch of wonderful memories. Giving of yourself for ten years - now that is a blessing. If she could talk to you right now she would tell you "thank you - I love you so much." I am sorry you lost your Mom and from experience I know it is very painful.
God Bless
Focus on the care you gave your mom for 10 years and the times you made her happy - no doubt there were many more of those times. She loved and appreciated you.
How about if you try forgiving yourself for not being perfect. You're human just like everyone else and there's not a one of us in this world who hasn't had a moment of weakness, or flared up in anger, or who has lost patience in a situation or with a person who has totally exhausted us. That's what being a caregiver to an elderly person can do. More times than not the caregiver is pretty much owned by the situation because they have to meet every need and want of the person they're caring for. It never gets better and always grows increasingly more by the day. NEED! NEED! NEED! 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Like falling down the edge of a cliff where you never reach the bottom. It doesn't end until the care recipient either dies or goes into a nursing home. You are not the first caregiver to feel anger, rage, resentment, and even hate towards the person you're taking care of and you won't be the last. Especially when it's an elder and you've been caregiving's been going on for years at a time. You loved and cared about your mother. If you didn't then you would not have been the one trying your best for ten years to do right by her and personally taking care of her yourself. Don't worry about God forgiving you because He's already done that. Try some forgiveness for yourself. You deserve that, not guilt over not being perfect.
As far as your behavior to your mom...we are, none of us, perfect. Caregiving chews you up and spits you out and leaves you angry, sad, exhausted, bewildered; the list of emotions goes on and on, with very few of them "good" emotions.
God and your mom forgave you a long time ago. They both know that you did your best, and that is all anyone can ask of us or expect of us.
You need now to work on forgiving yourself. Stop dwelling on all the things you did "wrong" and start celebrating those things you did "right". I'm sure, over the 10 years of caregiving, you spend much of that time - if not most of that time - providing safe, loving and compassionate care for mom. Start remembering those times, especially when all your self-doubt and self-loathing invade your thoughts. If mom had hospice at the end, reach out to them for grief counseling - they are amazing and can help you navigate the grief and guilt you are needlessly drowning in.
I bid you peace as you go through the grief journey.