Follow
Share

Well, she has been on this kick for 3 weeks. She already had $300.00 stolen that she insisted on having in her purse. She is of sound mind, if you can call it that. So, we can't pass off some fake necklaces as real. She wants a certain jewelry box from her home, which she knows we moved for safe keeping. Have any of you just gave up and given in? I have told her "No." Now, her POA is going to tell her that the facility won't allow her to have expensive stuff there. it is always something.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

29 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
I gave my mother my own costume jewelry to wear. I bring her jewelry on holidays when the AL has family meals. I have her choose something and keep the rest with me taking the good item when we go back to her apartment. It's sad. Only two items seem to have been taken. Other things she reported stolen, I found where she hid them. I also put notes in her dresser letting her know I have her jewelry safe in case she forgets.
(1)
Report
Spence, Most facilities have rules restricting gifts to employees. Do make sure this really happened though. I'd speak to management.
(0)
Report
Such an old topic but so valuable to keep going. Keep the fake stuff for the facilities my MIL had $10 necklace gone off her neck within three days of being there. It was very sentimental to her from my husband to the three generations her, me and our daughter. So sad..
(1)
Report
It will be stolen. Don’t do it.
(1)
Report
Never bring valuable jewelry to Nursing Home. I worked at one and jewelry was the first to go. Get her cheap costume jewelry only you will not feel so bad if stolen. CNA's, RN's, and cleaning persons can not be trusted.
(1)
Report
Frayas

Some facilities have it worded in the admissions papers they're not responsible for missing and/or damaged items.
(1)
Report
You could take the jewelry with you when you visit so Mom can wear it for outings.
My MIL actually gave most of the females in the family her jewelry when we gathered for their 60th wedding anniversary. I think her dementia was already manifesting itself but FIL was fine with it and everything stayed in the family
(3)
Report
I work in a facility and I say put it away for safe keeping. We do not have any issues at our facility but we do have one resident that insists on wearing her diamonds and rubies everyday. She can not put them on herself or take them off. We all hate dealing with them because we know if they go missing it will be a nightmare. There is no need for such things . I know they are sentimental but if they disappear then ....well... they are gone and can not be passed down to family to be cherished. Try and give her the control back by asking her to gift them to the person she wants to have them. Might work, with the lady I mentioned above it did not but I know it has with others. It is common that they want stuff because they feel like everything is being taken away..... it is often not about the "stuff" but about losing their independence and voice. They want to be in charge of their own life and families want what is best for them......they are usually not the same thing! Plastic bubbles are for gum ball machines not for moms and dads LOL.... Sometimes you might have to lose the jewelry to make mom happy.... after all it is just stuff . Yes I know I contradicted myself ...welcome to assisted living LOL . Pick you battles, some are not worth it.
As for the person who gave aide the necklace.... yes you can get it back they aide should never have accepted it! I will take a piece of candy or cookie and such but NEVER a gift. If the resident insists then I take it turn around and take it to my boss and she calls the family for approval but it is frowned upon and as you see causes trouble.
(2)
Report
Do not! You will never see the jewelry again
(0)
Report
Don't do it - everything gets taken or lost - my mom is very frantic about having her purse (it's a security blanket for her ) so I got her a cross body small one that she can wear around her neck and put small stuff like lifesavers tissues her readers and even play money which looks extremely real - the purse disappeared and several days later was found with only $144 of fake money missing

Although she greatly misses her watch and ring I tell her only for special occasions and then I take it home - she has a cheap watch for everyday which is easy to replace
(1)
Report
Uh, guys, this is a resurrected post, Chicago posted the original question 3 years ago.
(1)
Report
I wanted to have a piece of jewelry made from loose gems that I inherited. The price was prohibitive. The jeweler showed me what it takes to make even the smallest yet intricate ring.

Check out thrift stores for costume jewelry. You can find some lovely big, colorful pieces. Brooches are great because we can pin them on jackets, coats, hats, scarves, whatever. Find some new pieces and she'll make new conversation.

There's online forums about vintage costume jewelry. Etsy is another great source. I've bought interesting pieces for as little as $3 - $4, as well as beautiful new handmade ones for $16.

Gems are not for that kind of living arrangement. It's not safe. It puts parents at risk of being identified as targets of more crime. And not just by staff but by any outsider or visitor. I think common sense safety practices are called for.
(0)
Report
Chicago this may be an expensive solution but could you have an expert jeweler make inexpensive copies of her favorite pieces. I think I heard somewhere that very rich people often have fakes make up to wear in public.
(1)
Report
Unfortunately, I agree with the others. I wouldn't leave expensive jewelry in your LO's room. When mom returned from the hospital, I had her jewelry, that she insisted on wearing, in an envelope. The last thing I said to her before I left was to be sure to have the next aide put on her jewelry for her. She put the envelope in the corner of the drawer of her nightstand and forgot it. I will always regret not taking the jewelry in it or putting it on her myself. Mom tried to give it to me several times. She had a large cluster diamond heart that she wore all of the time. I wanted it as much because of seeing it on her all of the time as for the beauty of it, and it broke my figurative heart when we discovered it gone. There was also an onyx Eastern Star ring that mom had had since the 50s that I really wanted, and it disappeared. We think we know who took mom's things. It was another resident. It taught me a lesson. When I see that time nearing, my best friend gets my engagement ring and a special matching necklace and earrings that she made me promise to her the minute she saw them. LOL There is a jewelry store near here that sells things on consignment, and the rest of my good jewelry will be up for sale. If it doesn't sell and my best friend doesn't want it, it will be sold for the gold and stones. I like to wear Swarovski jewelry and it is not that expensive, so I am saving some of it now. My best friend will keep it for me and bring it back and forth, and I'll keep the same four or five sets of earrings and bracelets to match. I have one ring that means a lot to me. It is a fraternal ring. Unless someone belonged to that fraternity, it wouldn't mean anything to them. I'll wear it as long as it lasts. As you can see, I learned to make my plans based on my mom's experience. It's sad. I don't think any of the staff in the places where mom was would have stolen her jewelry. They had too many opportunities to do so and didn't. The time and presence of one of the other residents coincides with the disappearance of mom's things. :-(
(0)
Report
Stacey, they'll grow out of it! Also, you may at some point have granddaughters' major birthdays to think about, and nothing beats an important piece that came to you direct from your grandmother. You hang on tight to your collection until you find worthy homes for it.
(0)
Report
Jeanne, what a great idea! ILove it! For her to be able to reminisce about where and when ahe acquired these fine pieces of jewelry would be an Awesome conversation too! I know that I have many pieces of jewelry, that my girls will probably never wear, as all 3 of them are into white gold, but I'm a yellow gold girl. It's hard to think that one day, I may not have access to my finer things that I have acquired throughout my lifetime, and it's not something that we think about when we are younger. Super good idea!
(1)
Report
Chicago1954, I think it is very sad that there are some things your mother would enjoy having (or thinks she would enjoy having) that she will never see again in her life. What is the point of owning them if they remain in a safe deposit box somewhere?

But I also agree they are are high-risk of theft if they are brought into a care center where many of the residents no longer have social filters that let the knowledge of right and wrong guide them.

Here is a thought. Might not work at all, but might be worth considering, or it might trigger some other solution for you.

Bring in the valuable items, perhaps one at a time. Take a picture of Mother wearing it. Look through family archives and see if you can find an older picture of her wearing it. Take a picture of it on a piece of velvet or another nice background. Interview Mother about when she got it and any stories associated with it. Take it home for safe keeping and repeat with another great piece of jewelry.

When you are done. make an awesome picture book showing every lovely item and the stories that go with them. There are several companies that have very easy online applications to create these books. Mom can proudly look at these as often as she wishes. If it happens to to missing, you can have another one printed.

While you are doing the project, Mother might like to talk about what she wants done with this jewelry. Should it be sold and be dispensed as part of her estate? Are there certain pieces she would like certain people to have? That should definitely not be the main point of these conversations, but it would give her an opportunity if she'd like to think and talk about this.

I had a box of "baby" souvenirs in my basement for decades. I decided I really didn't need that smelly cigar or various other items on hand. I took good pictures of every item. I still have the reminders, but not the items themselves.

I have a collection of glassware that I am trying to talk myself into disposing of (knowing that none of my kids want it). I plan to have a picture book or the entire collection, with stories about how I found things, etc.

A picture may not have the monetary value of a brooch, but it can be a nice sentimental talisman.

Also, do you ever take Mother on outings? To a restaurant or family gathering? Perhaps part of that event could be selecting the jewelry she wants to wear for that event.
(3)
Report
I don't think there is any facility that would allow an aide to accept gifts, especially valuable ones. First, are you certain she really gave away the jewellery to this person, people with dementia are known to confuse events sometimes or fabricate stories to explain things they can't remember.
I would speak to the aide first, she may not realize it is more than inexpensive costume jewelry.
(0)
Report
Spence, is your mother of sound mind? If she is, then it's up to her what she does with her belongings; although you could ask the manager of the NH what their policy is on staff accepting gifts - many of the more reputable homes don't allow it. You would then need to explain to the aide and your mother, preferably together in the same room, that the jewellery has to be returned Because Them's The Rules and your mother doesn't want to get this lady into trouble, now does she. And if your mother has set her heart on giving this kind person a reward she can always add the item to her will, in due form.

If your mother has dementia and has lost legal capacity - i.e. did not understand what she was doing - then the same applies except that you can leave it to the NH to deal with it and insist that the item is returned.

In any case, do your best to ensure that no blame is levelled at the aide. She no doubt accepted the gift in good faith, she just needs to understand that this kind of thing can look very bad indeed.
(1)
Report
my mother gave a valuable piece of jewelry to one the Aides at her nursing home. Can I get it back?
(0)
Report
Chicago, No matter what kind of facility your mother is in, it is a very bad idea to leave any money or jewelry with her. If she does not misplace it herself, then sooner or later it will get stolen by either an employee or another patient. The POA is correct. My mother is in a very good NH, but many people go in and out of her room every day, custodians, aides, nurses, repair people, even other patients with sticky fingers (the alzheimers/dementia ones). Mom has 'misplaced?' toiletries, cosmetics, change purses and costume jewelry. Sometimes I can find it and mostly it is really gone. My mother with moderate dementia keeps insisting we leave her money, and it always 'disappears'. There is only one vending machine in the place and I am sure she does not use it every day. Now, if she remembers to ask, the most I give her per week is 5 singles just to keep her happy.
(2)
Report
My mother is in an ALF and I do have all my mother's jewelry with me for safekeeping, with her permission. She has had times where she thinks things are being stolen, even silly things like scissors and lipstick. But they aren't being stolen - - she hides things to thwart those thieves - - and they always show up somewhere in her room!
Sometimes she forgets that I have her jewelry. One day she specifically asked about her pearls, the ones my dad gave her years ago. So the next time I visited her I took her pearls. Now she doesn't know where they are because she hides things in her room and then forgets where she put them! I haven't found them yet either but I'm sure they're in her room somewhere! On one level she understands she's doing this and she said, "It's really bad when you're both paranoid and forgetful!" How funny yet true!
(0)
Report
My Mother's answer to our saying that they will be stolen is to say "I am going to keep an eye on them." Geez. She is 94.

She doesn't have her jewelry box and I hope that she doesn't keep insisting. Her stuff is perfectly secure at her grandson's. He is 51 YO and is trustworthy.
(1)
Report
I think it all depends on the level of care your parent is receiving. If your parent is living their because they don't or can't handle the upkeep of their home and have no health issues, then let them have it. But if caregivers are coming into their apartment to assist with daily activities of living (ADL's) or helping with reminders due to early stage dementia, then don't. I have to say, we moved mom to an assisted living community because she has Alzheimer's but is still independent in some ways. The caregiver's have to give her reminders, give her medication, and escort her to and from the memory care unit daily. Because we moved mom quickly, we did not know that in her dresser she had some jewelry specifically she had a wedding ring set from a family member. My also had about $130 cash in her wallet. I discovered all this 2 weeks after we moved mom. I removed it from her dresser and wallet.The point is, it was there 2 weeks and I have seen where the caregivers will not go through mom's personal belongings. She is wearing her wedding set and it is a little big on her but she won't give it me. I told my mom that she was not allowed to have cash so I took her cash and deposited it in her checking account and she accepted it. I did deposit it. However, my husbands grandmother was in a SNH for Alzheimer's, she had a couple different rings on her fingers because my mil could not get them off due to RA. My husband's grandmother was living there about a year when my mil noticed that one of the rings was missing. Mil went daily to feed her mother lunch and visit. An employee of the the SNH actually used a jewelry cutter to cut the ring off my husband's grandmother's finger. My mil submitted a claim with SNH for reimbursement of the cost of ring stolen even though that does not make up for the loss and violation. My mil then had a jeweler come over and cut off the other ring so it would not be stolen too. While the community my mother is in has be respectful of my mother's belongings, I understand that all are not. Yes, take a proactive stance!
(1)
Report
I a nurse. I worked at 2 assisted living facility's and also snf's I quit both jobs and went back to pediatrics because of constant stealing and getting no where with management. I would not let her have her jewelry. Sorry.
(4)
Report
Unless your mother wants her jewelry stolen, don't do it. My mother-in-law was in an assisted living facility. Her door had a lock and someone would steal stuff all the time. It didn't matter if it was food, bathing stuff, clothing, towels or jewelry. She swore up and down it was the staff, but I found some things in other persons rooms or on their body. Now if your mother is of sound mind and can operate a small safe box, that would be an option. She could keep her jewelry locked up until she wears it as long as she remembers to put it back in there when she's not wearing it (making that her jewelry box). We did this for my mother-in-law with cash, but her Dementia eventually got worse and she eventually forgot the combo numbers. Just a thought. Good luck!!
(3)
Report
I'm probably a bit naive. Just because we haven't had any issues yet, doesn't mean I shouldn't take precautions.

I did ask my dad for his wedding rings when he moved in. He had his wedding band and his grandfathers wedding band. I told dad how much they meant to me and he decided to let me have them right then. That is probably the most valuable (monetarily and sentimentally) that he had... other than his paintings (he is an artist). But I am hoping if someone tries to steal his paintings, we will catch them on camera as they leave the building.
(1)
Report
When my grandmother went into a NH (not ALF) my Mom'sboss said-"take off erh wedding ring--my Mom's got stolen" -well, my Mom did not listen and , would you believe it, someone stole it right off her finger -still makes my stomach sick!--they had to have cut it off as her knuckles were so swollen. The NH tried to say it must have slipped off-SERIOUSLY!?!- I was furious and wanted to set up a sting operation with a fake wedding ring to replace the one she had and cameras hidden but all we could do was make a report. My grandma had AD and not only did it hurt to lose her ring BUT more importantly it hurt knowing that someone we were entrusting her care with CUT IT OFF HER FINGER!

So I pass the warning along.
And I hope the person who stole it --Oh forget it--they have the worse end of things because they have to live with a thief(themselves) and I don't.
(5)
Report
Does she want them to wear or just for safe keeping? I noticed several of the ladies at my dad's ALF wear jewelry. If she wore the jewelry before moving into AL, she would probably enjoy wearing it still. Maybe you could bring a few of items she wears the most? I suppose it depends on how valuable they are.

My dad keeps a little cash with him and I've never heard of any (intentional) theft at his place. Sometimes people have lost or misplaced their stuff, or someone may accidentally walk off with another persons items. Perhaps we have just been lucky.
(0)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter