Mom wants everything done when she wants it done. Sometimes it feels like I live with her instead of her living with me.
Do any of you feel as I do about this? I am not talking about important issues. Of course I take care of important issues as needed.
I am referring to unimportant issues, non emergencies, that have no bearing on anything whatsoever.
She has more clothes than I do! I tend to wear the same things over and over. Who cares? I am in my house the majority of the time. I am presentable when going to the doctor with mom for her appointments or anytime I leave my home. Otherwise, I just want to be comfy. She tells me to go put on lipstick! Her generation didn’t even go to the mailbox without their face made up and dressed presentably.
I honestly don’t think it’s a slam against me. It’s just inconceivable to her that women are not dolled up, so to speak.
Same with the house. She was an immaculate housekeeper. The house was always presentable.
Cooking, are you kidding? Everything she cooked was from scratch, done perfectly. I can cook! I messed up while learning like everyone does. I’m sure she did too but I can make anything she made and more. She does not criticize my cooking, not at all. That is one area that we do have in common. Other areas, not so much.
Okay, I have to ask all of you, just out of curiosity. Do you fold underwear or socks? Hahaha! I never have! I dump in sock or underwear drawer, not a priority for me. I hate having to fold my mom’s socks and underwear. She would go insane if she were just dumped in a drawer.
I have enough of her clothes washed that she can have a different outfit on everyday! That doesn’t satisfy her. She may want to wear what she wore on Monday again on a Thursday or whatever...ridiculous! This is all for just sitting at home. Is she competing with the ladies on The Young and the Restless? Hahaha. She loves their clothes!
She came from the glamour era and while I can appreciate her style I am not going to break my back having every single item of clothing washed daily just so she can have her pick of what she would like to wear at any given time.
This is how she did her laundry at home. We have totally different ways of doing things. I wash once or twice a week, not daily. She hasn’t given up on these lifestyle differences in her 14 years of living here. I have even suggested that she hire someone if she wants chores done exactly as she wishes. Of course, she isn’t willing to pay for those services and wants me to do it.
She asked me today right after being in the kitchen preparing a roast for dinner, and getting side dishes done to wash her laundry so she can have her ‘favorite black’ pants ready to wear tomorrow. She has three other pairs of black pants that are clean. I told her no. I told her that Council on Aging was coming tomorrow and I would do laundry in the morning so when the woman comes she can help put her clothes away. She has this idea that I shouldn’t bother her with that and she is only there to bathe her and not help me with other chores.
COA specifically told me she would help with laundry, vacuuming, dusting, food prep or serving her meals. Mom can’t accept that and thinks I am not being a good hostess and being somewhat lazy! I am far from lazy but I am tired.
It’s not just laundry. It’s the way she wants her room arranged, it’s the way she wants her bathroom arranged. It’s never to make it easier on me. Why are these things such a big deal? Someone, anyone, explain this to me, please. I’m listening...
Thanks.
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My mom would love you! You would be her dream daughter. I wish I had that in me, like you and my mom. I just don’t. Laundry sn’t a priority for me for me to do daily. You’re organized!
You’re right though. I can say no. I do say no. Thanks for your response. Helps just hearing others saying that it is ‘okay’ to say no.
Maybe so...
You're not. You're an autonomous adult who makes her own choices.
If this is going to work out, then you need to be able to say (in your head), "shut the f##k up, Mom" and grow a thick skin.
Or invite her to live elsewhere. This level of tension is NOT good for your physical or mental health.
That said, I will share the first sign of my mother's MCI was her coming to my house (she lived across the street in her house then with my demented father) to ask me to do things for her in the middle of my work from home office hours. I had worked from home several years and Mom often came over to eat lunch with me and bring a request or two (would you pay this insurance bill online for me, or order some more mop pads) but she did not intrude on my working hours... until she did. I initially thought it was just extra stress from my father's deteriorating vascular dementia and that might have been a big part of it. When Dad want to MC and Mom moved in with me that "do it now" faded back out for a while, but it's occasionally its here again now. Sometimes I do what she asks when she asks it and sometimes I tell her I will get to it later because I'm busy with whatever now.
I think there's something in the mother-daughter dynamic that makes housekeeping requests pull on some emotional response that we are being judged and coming up short. It's not our mothers' requests so much as how we emotionally respond. You are not a teenager cleaning up or living in your mother's house; try not to frame your mother's requests in your own mind like you are.
You bring up really valid points! I don’t ask her to do anything. I really don’t. Why? I suppose hearing her say to me that she can’t but she could do some things. I’m going to think about that more. Maybe I am looking at this in entirely the wrong way. Thanks.
You are also also right on her view of it. I think it’s the repetition of it that gets to me. So I will have to schedule time to myself and not feel guilty about it.
Barb, she did this to me even while she was in rehab at the NH. Of course, she did it in front of staff, asking me to take her laundry home on a daily basis. I didn’t do it. I told her that she had plenty of clean clothes. Then she pouts. I have to say to myself, who cares if she pouts? I’m going to get this worked out by listening to all of you who see objectively what is truly going on. I’m determined because I don’t like getting so frustrated and even depressed about it.
I am not a failure if I am not a once a day laundry type person. Soiled sheets, yes! Soiled clothing, yes! But not just so she can be fashionable on a whim! You know what I mean? When she says, “I want to wear my royal blue top today!” Then it can wait until I throw in the next batch of clothes.
to “balance” her checking account.
At a glance, I could tell she had made a massive, cluster eff of a mess with it.
Since this was her “fun money” account - I had the serious bill paying checkbook with me - and since I was on my way out of town for a long - RARE weekend at the beach with my dh, I told her I’d look at it when I got back.
My mother proceeded to have a massive meltdown, insisting that I take her checkbook home with me. I agreed just to stop the hysteria BUT I stressed to her I wouldn’t be
dealing with it until I got back.
I thought it all was settled.
When I returned home I got a call from my mothers paid caregiver. Seems my mom was telling everyone who would listen that I’d taken her checkbook away from her in order to keep her from her own money.
Sigh.
Morale of my story: When it comes to behavior and situations like these - you can’t win and you sure as heck can’t reason with them. So - just do what you can without making yourself nutz and even more exhausted.
Wow! Sounds like my mom with the checkbook too! My mom found a 30 cents error from the bank and reported it. The woman checked. Mom was right and looked at me and asked if my mom was ever an accountant! Hahaha
They want it balanced to the penny!
My friend and her sister took care of their mom. The sister like me was always miserable when her mom insisted things be done a certain way right then and there.
The sister who didn’t cave was much happier. When mom compared and told the other one that her sister did it, her response was, “Well, I don’t do it that way!” Then she’d smile and walk off. Oh, I need to follow her lead. I used to say to myself, how does she get away with that? Why does it work for one sister and not the other? I’m starting to see. The sister who fell into the debate trap stayed frustrated. Won’t ever work, will it?
She could fold some things. I agree. I think I simply got into the habit of doing it. Maybe to go faster, which is odd because I certainly didn’t do it that way with my kids. They enjoyed ‘helping mommy’ when they were young. As teens, not so much! But they did it. Without complaints? No way! But it got done and that was what was most important to me. Kind of unrealistic to think teens won’t gripe from time to time. Mine did.
Even though I can and do say no, I still struggle with boundaries. One book called Boundaries- Where You End and I Begin is aptly named!
(Btw my MiL has Parkinsons as well- a challenging and complicated disease).
They do sound alike! Hahaha. My mom acts like those surveys are so damn important! She hounds me about those things too. Geeeeez!
A plant? Okay, yeah...it’s the funniest stuff that they find hugely important. I sometimes think it’s because their lives are not fulfilled with much anymore. That part is sad. Their kids are grown. She can no longer do her hobbies, etc.
I’m so happy to see you aren’t caving to all of your moms demands! Good for you!
YEP! Stuck in a rut! Set in their ways! They do still look at themselves as ‘boss!’ I tell my kids if I end up like that to take me out back and shoot me! Hahaha
Yep, it’s frustrating! I always called my father daddy. 😊
My MIL lived with us for two and a half years. She was pretty easy to please (especially since I was always trying to anticipate her needs).
One day she asked me to take her to get her nails done. Well, I had other things to do that day and said, "No." She didn't think that my plans were as important as her manicure and got mad at me. It ended with her telling me, "When my nail gets infected, it will be your fault!!"
Nevermind that I had offered to take her the day before to get her nails done...