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I am caring for my mother Sandra, who is 83 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, arthritis, depression, hearing loss, heart disease, incontinence, mobility problems, osteoporosis, stroke, urinary tract infection, and vision problems.
About Me:
I’m trying to remember who I am since I started care giving for my mother three years ago. Im kind, patient and living person. Developing boundaries forced to for my mental being.
At what point do you say ENOUGH? I just can't and won't do this in-home caregiving gig anymore? Your mother has more issues than Newsweek and you have to ask yourself, "Am I QUALIFIED to care for my mother?" I think the honest answer is NO, you are NOT qualified to care for the woman at home anymore! Guilt should not come into the equation. REAL guilt would be felt if you took her back into your home and she died b/c you were not able to care for her properly, due to her myriad of health conditions. THEN you would feel guilty, as if you should have placed her in Skilled Nursing where professionals were left in charge of her care.
It's time now to have a good, honest talk with your mother about your abilities and what you're unable to do anymore. 3 years is plenty of time to have devoted to caring for mom, and now it's time to leave that care to the pro's. You've reached your limit and it's okay to admit it.
Good luck!
The G-word you are looking for is grief. Grief that your Mom is failing. Grief that you cannot give up your own life entirely to her. Grief that you are witness to her suffering. Grief. There will be tears. For you and for her. And life is full of them. Not everything can be fixed.
Own that you are human and will do what you can, but cannot do everything. I am so sorry.
So, if you feel you can't do it, don't. You eventually will only resent her. Better she stays where she is safe and cared for and someone else does the dirty work. Then you can just visit and enjoy the time with Mom.
Please acknowledge and own your own limitations. Grieve it. Cry with Mom. Comfort Mom, and allow yourself you be comforted. Guilt is for felons deserving of it, for evil-doers who take joy in the pain of others; sorry, but you don't qualify, and they don't ever feel it.
I am so sorry. I am so sorry. And for you, for your Mom, I am just as helpless to help you as you are to cure everything for one another. I can only just be sorry.
If she is SAFE and receiving GOOD CARE in a residential setting, it may be best for you both if you stall for time.
If she has dementia, she may not be realistic about her expectations of coming home, and if she’s farther into the dementia process “going home” may have no meaning in relation to where she’s thinking she wants to be.
”Feeling guilty” is a waste of your time, your health, and your ability to make good reasonable decisions. It is never a tool, and NEVER a good basis for planning, especially when there is no way of coming up with a “good” choice, when all the choices you have aren’t good at all, as happens so often in the care of fragile elderly.
Think of what is SAFEST for Mom right now. When your Loved One is SAFE, you have the time to make wiser choices.
You are a good child.