By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
I care for my bedridden husband, and handle everything else including finances. At the age of 65 and not all that well myself, I’ve had to go back to work 20 hours per week. I work with young children, most of whom have no social skills, aren’t potty-trained, have parents who complain about everything, and are so low-functioning they can’t even draw a simple face when I show them how. (They are not special needs) I need this job to keep our house and pay bills. I’m exhausted and crabby. I get witchy with hubby for no reason. I sulk and yell. Then I feel like crap. Then I feel like I didn’t ask for this life. Then I remember he provided for me and our kids and gave us a pretty good life. But, I want the life of those perfect Seniors on the television ads!
If Mom is becoming more and more unreasonable, call her doctor. She may need to be tested for a urinary tract infection which can make seniors really loopy. There are no real symptoms until it gets so bad they need hospitalization. My mom had chronic ones. And she got off the wall angry and combative. For their own safety, the nurses at-her facility had her tested every month.
If you have no help, find some. Research home health. Maybe a house cleaning company, landscaping company, something to help you. Put Mom in respite care for a long weekend and go sit in a nice hotel on the bed in your underwear and eat pizza and watch TV. Mom won’t be happy, but YOU will be!
Don’t take it out on yourself. You’re human, for heaven’s sake!
Are you sure this is not dementia as my Mom used to do this
Some people are just mean. I have come to learn that. They're just mean. Don't know if this applies to your mom or if this behavior is new to her. If it's new, you should have her checked out for a UTI, maybe some cognitive loss. Your patterns with your mom are long ingrained..don't know how much you can "change" at this late date. When you get super angry--just walk away!!!
Her living with you, expecting care and being a pill, but not allowing you to have ANY say in her healthcare is frustrating. She should allow you to be her advocate. I remember so well hauling my mother (and usually about 3 of my own kids too) to the Dr. b/c she was "so very sick" and we'd finally get in to see the Dr. and he'd ask how she was and she say "Oh, not so bad". I just wanted to strangle her. Then she wouldn't get the care she needed and she'd complain about that.
YOU NEED A BREAK!! You live with a difficult person and you WORK at home with that person hovering around.
Think about leaving for a weekend or just a night and making that be a priority. The sad truth is that many CG's die before the person they're caring for. I just had a friend who has multiple health issues and has been on the brink of death a dozen times--lose her husband. He just wore out. Everyone thought he'd live forever, but he lived to care for her and it proved his undoing. In fact, last year I had 3 friends lose the "CG parent" and the "needy parent" kept on going....in all 3 cases the parent that died was, to all concerned, healthy and strong--(but extremely stressed.)
Don't be so hard on yourself. I am a pretty calm person, but nobody can push my buttons the way my mother can. I don't live with her and I am 100% in charge of the amount of time I spend with her. But I will still get a migraine, almost 100% certainty when I spend more than 2 hours with her.
You take care of YOU.
{{Hugs}}
Well--40 years after contracting it (IV drug use) he went in for a routine exam and was found to have developed Primary Liver Cancer. Told to get his life in order, he had maybe 6-9 months to live. He was 53, I was 48.
Long story short, he was able to receive a life saving liver transplant (13 years ago) and did 84 weeks of a brutal chemo-type TX. I was there for him, every single day. Worked 2 jobs to keep our heads above water and dealt with 3 kids who were still living at home...it was just survival mode for over 2 years. He was able to work, just dragged himself in everyday.
After the last TX-there was nothing to do. He relapsed immediately and we knew the HCV would come back, and it did, although the chemo had bought him some time. Few years later he txed with Harvoni and was cured.
It was at THAT POINT that I lost it. Just shut down. Constant migraines, crying fits, panic attacks, just a wreck. I had so neglected myself for SO LONG that I didn't KNOW what to do. I had lived with so much stress for so long I had fried my poor brain. Literally.
I really thought, some nights, lying in bed with a racing heart and the whole panic attack thing going on--I'd prefer death to the life I had--and DH was healthy, probably for the first time in YEARS.
It has taken me 4+ years to "calm down". And I am not there yet. Maybe never will be. I was never taught to take care of me. I was taught that was selfish and I had no right to have my own feelings. Basically, no self esteem.
At age 62, I am finally making some progress towards being able to say "no" or to ask for help. Learning to set boundaries.
Looking back--and forward, you better believe I make sure my 4 daughters don't do what I did and burn themselves up in care for others.
In retrospect. I should have taken advantage of the in home nursing respite that was offered, but DH never wanted me more than 5 minutes away from him. I SHOULD have taken short vacays from his care--and I never, ever did.
In the end, it is what it is---but I wish I had had a forum to talk to--and people who cared and actually came in and helped me.
Moral of this story: YOU absolutely HAVE to put yourself first. Or else you'll be useless to your "patient". It's not selfish, it's self preservation!