I'm new to this website. I hope you can help me and my brother with a new problem we have with our mother. Mom just turned 92 and last week we learned that she has Alzheimer's. I had suspected it.
I work full time as a video producer. My job involves some traveling--not nearly as much travel as in the past. Now my trips are about two days long. Sometimes there are conferences when I'm gone for one week but most trips are 2-3 days long. When I travel my brother, who is 5 years old than me, moves in and watches over mom. Lately, mom gets very upset when I travel and has been very difficult for my brother to handle. I try to prepare her for my trips weeks in advance and I post information all over the house because I know she won't remember the conversations we have about my upcoming trips. Still once I leave home and call her to see how she's doing she will ask me where am I and yell at me for leaving home without telling her where I am. She gets very angry at my brother for not jumping on a plane right now and bringing me back home. Talking to her on the phone and reassuring her that I'm safe doesn't help she is still afraid something bad might happen to me and still claims I never told her about my trips. She has always been very protective of me, I am the youngest in the family. Now she always has to know where I am at all times. I don't mind telling her where I am but she never remembers what I tell her and she gets mad at me anyway. It's very frustrating for me and its very difficult for my brother because she gets extremly mad at him and totally out of control. He said at one time he was afraid she might get violent. Most times my mom is a very sweet, mild woman who is kind to everyone. This new Jeckle-Hyde personality thing is really freaky and we don't know how to deal with it. Please help.
What I can say is that the type of behavior you cited from your mother is unfortunately one of the phases of the disease and can be very troubling. The person who has dementia will feel abandoned and frightened when anything changes in their lives because they cannot learn anything new. It is very scary for them. You are doing the right thing to leave notes for your mother, but you may also ask her to write down in her own hand-writing where you are going and when you will be back. Since people with dementia feel that everyone is lying to them, if your mother sees a note in her own handwriting that gives details about your travels and that your brother is staying with her...it may help her feel a bit more at ease.
Also, while many people are uncomfortable doing so, I found that treating the depression my friend was facing as well as the dementia meant putting her on psychotropic medications. But, in doing that, she has regained her happy, jocular personality and has eliminated the threats of the combative behavior. She is not a zombie from medication...she actually functions at a much higher level then she had been because the medications are all in balance and she can have a good quality of life without being a threat to herself or people around her.
Sending you a hug...you are brave to make such valiant efforts to keep your mother with you. Please know that while she may never thank you, she knows how important you are to her...otherwise, she would not be so anxious when you are away.
But I have to just listen to others to realize my blessings.
Is there anyone else who is willing to help that your mother is familiar with?
Mom is always extremely happy when I return from a trip. I feel bad for my brother, she really gives him a hard time. Any suggestions on what he can do to calm her down when he is with her while I'm out of town?
Jean
A specialist told me many alz patients like to be touched. Maybe you brother could give her hugs. One of my hired care givers (male) rubs her back when ever he see her, she seems to like this too. I'm the youngest and she looks for me when I'm gone. Do continue to encourage the writing. I let that slip for a few months and haven't been able to convince her to sign things now. Its hard, if you hire caregivers watch them too!
I had certan routines for my parents, and I was so caught up in guilt and other complex feelings that I woundn't take a day away, even though I knew they were well cared for by others, and even had visitors (my sister). But still, they wanted me to do what I did for them each day - the way I did it. So they were never happy when I did finally learn I had to take a day or two away. I slowly learned to detach from their unhappiness and do what I had to do for my own sanity (this didn't happen until years into caregiving).
Since Alzheimer's is the dementia your mother has, the acting out physically and even violently, can be part of that. She's afraid when you are gone, as her routine is changed, even though you do everything possible to keep things even. You can't do more, nor can your brother change himself into you. But it's likely fear that causes the acting out.
You'll have to work on yourself to detach and let go of the guilt. You are doing nothing wrong. Either is your brother. You may need to hire in-home help to give your brother support. If you have a short-term stay facility in your area that you trust and that has trained staff in Alzheimer's care, that is an option, but not all areas have this. Additional in-home help for your brother may be the only answer.
The time is likely to come when your mother needs nursing home care. You can't work full time and take care of someone in the later stages of Alzheimer's at the same time. You will need it for your health, and she will need it for her safety, as she will need 24/7 care (you may be able to hire this and keep her home. It depends on your circumstances).
This is a move that she will resist and she will get worse for awhile. But many people adjust and enjoy being with peers and taking part in the activities provided. Be aware that any changes will likely bring a downside, before you see improvement. That is even the case with in-home care to help your brother.
Carol
Do you think if you were able to take one of those camcorders that she and you could at least see each other while you are away over the computer, or do you think that would confuss her more?
You and your brother will be in my prayers. If you need to not call for a night, you may need to do that. Remember, your brother gets his break. Even when you are away your heart and mind are with her. You have to take some time for you or your brother will be the only one taking care of her. I have a great deal of respect for you and your brother!
In Christian Love,
Susan M. Myers
When we are away, we reverse the situation. It's extremely hard to just let go and know that someone else is in charge and you will be notified if there is an emergency. It's vital for caregivers to get some real breaks, but it's hard for the caregiver to let go completely. I don't know that we ever do.
I hope you can hire some help for your brother, if he needs it, and then let it go. You are doing everything you can.
These cameras and other technology can be very helpful, if they aren't too intrusive and if the care receiver isn't afraid of the intrusion (some find it comforting), however the brother may find it disconcerting. Each family has to find their preference with the new technolgy. It doesn't replace human caregiving, but it can augment it.
Carol
My brother is five years older than me. He lives with his family in another city that's about 45 minutes away from us but his job is in the same city we live in. I trust my brother completely with mom. He is reliable, caring and patient and he does an excellent job taking care of her. We are so lucky to have him. He is willing to jump in and take care of mom anytime I need to go out of town. I am glad that I make less business trips now than I did a few years ago.
I will look into the cameras.
Jean
Carol
Any how, here is my favorite joke that I have ever come accross...
A lady is walking through mud and rain with a laundry basket on her head and she looks up and says, " God I know you won't put any more on me than you think I can handle, but I sure do wish you did not think so highly of me."!
Love,
Susan
The nanny cam sounds like a good idea. My brother does tell mom I'll be back soon but her response has been he should get in the car right now and bring me back.
I am very fortunate to have a brother that is caring. I feel sorry for him though, mom gives him a hard time when I travel. Unfortunately, we have no other relatives in our area.
I really appreciate all of the suggestions and support from everyone here. It's comforting to know I am not the only one with this problem.
Jean