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I'm so sorry for this new turn in your husband's journey.
Have you considered that DH (dear husband) may have a UTI? You would be completely justified, now that he's taken to his bed and is refusing to eat, to call 911 and report to the EMTs that this is a HUGE change in mental and physical status for him and that you are afraid he's had a stroke. Or a brain tumor. Or something else dire!
You REALLY WANT them to to transport him to the hospital NOW and figure out what is going on with him. This does not sound to me like "just' an increase in dementia symptoms. This sounds like something you want to get looked at immediately.
PS, if you were to drive to the store, do you REALLY think he has the wherewithal to leave? Don't let his threats deter you from doing the right thing.
A lot of us are very worried about you. You are not on the Pittypot, nor are you participating in a pity party.
You are dealing with an elder with dementia and possibly a UTI, given his sudden mental statue change.
I hope that you can see your way clear to call 911.
I'm going to be frank, and blunt, b/c I don't think you realize the seriousness of the situation.
Your husband is trained in self protection, handling criminals, using a weapon. Are you?
He is unstable, for whatever reasons. He hasn't eaten in several days so he's probably going into some kind of electrolyte imbalance - I'm only surmising; I'm not a medical person.
You're afraid to leave b/c you have a dog and you're afraid your husband will die. You son can't take your dog? A friend can't take the dog?
He's going to die if he doesn't get to a hospital and get fluids and food, and nothing you do or write will stop that if he's made a determination not to eat.
He's MORE likely to die if you DON'T get emergency help ASAP.
And you need to get help as well; consider finding an emotionally battered women's support group and/or immediate help for you, as an emotionally battered woman. If you don't you may become a physically battered woman.
You're more concerned about him than yourself. This speaks volumes for the situation you're in.
No one can force you to get emergency help. Posting here helps us help you, but we can't call 911 for you. Only YOU can make that call.
You have to ask yourself NOW why you're now on the phone to EMS.
How long have you been married? How old are you, if that isn't a rude question? And is your son living with you and your husband, or nearby?
Just for now, though, what is your husband's physical state? You say he hasn't eaten for four or five days - are you sure he hasn't eaten, or do you just mean that he won't share a table with you? Is he visiting the bathroom as normal, does he seem ill or generally well?
I'm sorry to ask such a lot of questions, just trying to get a clearer picture. I hope you're okay. And as always - if you feel frightened for your safety, get out of the house and then call the police.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. I will update soon😘
Your husband seems to use the threat of leaving you periodically. Perhaps he's trying to manipulate you, but whatever his intentions, if he wants to leave you can't really prevent him from doing so, especially since I suspect he's stronger than you are.
But, enough for tonight.
Get a good rest; as Scarlett O'Hara famously said, "tomorrow is another day."
Could be a UTI or possibly the paranoia that sometimes comes with some kinds of dementia. Glad the guns are gone!
There are meds that help with paranoia. Is he on any medication currently?
I just cannot vision a person in their 80's being able to get out of bed to show police officers where he has his guns, and also sit down with them to chat. Starvation mode makes a person unable to think clearly, and also be angry.
My gosh if I just skip breakfast, I would be feeling faint at work after a few hours.
Thus, your husband has been eating something. Otherwise, the EMT's would have taken him to the hospital.
I asked a few friends who are in medical positions (nurse, and a tech) and they were amazed too, although they wonder if there's some misunderstanding on Ellie's part as to what the EMTs actually found.
I just can't believe that someone who hasn't eaten in 4 - 5 days can have normal vital signs.
And as Ellie wrote in response to my earlier post, he's too weak to leave. Then why didn't the EMTs take him to the ER? I've never knows EMTs to just leave a person who's so weak in the home and not take him or her in for at least a checkup, and rehydration as necessary.
Something's amiss here.
He had always treated me with love and respect (he knew I would tolerate no verbal or physical abuse) but after thinking about it, about two years ago when I would make a suggestion or offer an opinion he would tell me "don't think, you don't do it very well". (always before he would ask my opinion on everything) I would stop him on this and tell him he was not going to talk to me this way. In Feb of this year he started getting really verbally mean, and a couple of times I was afraid it was going to get physical. I hid our guns (mine is where I can get to it if someone breaks in, but is out of his reach). Thank heaven it hasn't gotten physical. And if it looks like it is going to I will have 911 out there so fast it will make his head spin. He has been in the hospital and is now in a rehab facility (I refused to let him come home as I could not physically care for him in the condition he was in). He is furious at me about it. But oh well....
I guess my point is I have changed since he has been in the hospital. I am finding myself again and did not realize how beaten down (emotionally) I was and how physically tired I was. As well as how I was walking on egg shells because of the change in him. That will not happen again.
I am worried about you too as I have been dealing with a verbal abuse, bullying, manipulative situation. There will be some changes when he comes home after his surgery. I am a little afraid with the way he has been acting and though we will not have any protection, I am going to try to get a safety deposit box to put our guns in as if he leaves (he threatens to on a daily basis though he is not home) I want to make sure I have protection living alone and I have not lost my protection.
We have two dogs (my babies) and they and I have been so much more relaxed since he has been in the hospital and rehab. Oh, his brother and SIL were very close but since his brother has been calling my honey direct I have sensed a change in their attitude and responses to me so heaven only knows what he has told them. His brother does not even respond to me when I answer his questions. (Alienating helps the verbal abuser as then a person has no one to turn to or to talk to) I do say verbal abuser as when I got married young I went through a verbally and physically abusive relationship and my honey's verbal meanness is a flashback to that. I didn't think of his verbal meanness as abuse...just frustration and being scared, but looking back I have to say that bad behavior can only be excused for just so long on that excuse. He wants me to help him take a shower today and I agreed, but I will let his nurse know about it before helping him. He isn't taking care of himself diet wise ( on a low sodium heart diet) and has demanded that I bring him some mini coconut donuts and some caffeine free diet coke. I am taking them but not putting them in my bag. I will carry them in the store bag. His brother says my honey is tired of everyone telling him what to do and I understand, but doesn't my honey understand that to get better he has to listen to someone other than himself?
Sorry everyone, wrote a "book" again and hopefully it made sense. (smile). Have a great holiday everyone. Ellie please take care and call 911 if you feel threatened. Please keep us posted.
Here's an article on home safety: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/should-seniors-be-allowed-to-keep-guns-169994.htm
This is what I've learned, but it may be specific to a particular insurance carrier or state:
1. An insurance carrier will not insure guns unless they're in a gun safe. Even so, it's not a treasured item with them, and they concur that storage offsite with a gunsmith is better. The agent didn't refuse to insure them, but made it clear that the carrier didn't want to insure guns, of any type.
2. Storing guns, properly identified with serial numbers, type of weapon, etc., can be done with gunsmith; this seems to be standard in some areas. It was literally unheard of in my area, so I'm having some trouble finding a gunsmith to store the guns.
Vetting the gunsmith is another issue. I'm still working on that.
3. One gunsmith will send an employee to help categorize and load the guns. One has a photographer to photo them before storage. I was advised to photo ALL the guns, from various angles, and document everything I could about the guns.
4. Mine will be sold, so that involves some additional paperwork, particularly if they're handguns.
5. If you do store them, be aware of the climactic conditions under which they're stored. I learned that the REALLY serious collectors often have acclimatized, moisture controlled walk-in safes, i.e., such as a whole room dedicated to storage, with a hygrometer to measure moisture. I don't know if gun safes have climate controls, but moisture can affect the gun. I can attest to that.
So consider where your gun safe would be, what the moisture content of the room is, whether it's on a slab or basement, and other climactic conditions.
Just thought you might be interested. I somehow doubt a bank would agree to store a gun, even in a safety box, just b/c it's a weapon (although apparently the James Bond and Jason Bourne type characters have found ways to get around that!). I'd be interested in what you learn when you contact a bank though.
I would just like to say that I have lived around electricity, firearms, chain saws, axes, kitchen knives, military swords, large animals (horses and cows), automobiles and propane my entire life and I am equally respectful of them all. They all have wonderful uses and they can all kill if not handled with appropriate care. At some point on the dementia journey, the person with dementia cannot be depended upon to take that care anymore and needs their access controlled/limited. The handyman tools can even be a problem if your family member with dementia decides to replace the light fixture or well pump. My dad put enough pool grade chlorine into the well to have poisoned my parents ten times over when he decided it was "dirty".
I agree Ellie needs to secure the firearms from her husband in his present apparent state of mind, but I find it interesting that no one expressed the same concern her husband (particularly with his training) might choose to use other easily available household weapons or even his bare hands to injure her. After all crime statistics tell us wives and girlfriends are more often beaten, strangled or stabbed than shot.
Ellie, I encourage you to sleep behind a locked door. Having someone else in your home isn't a bad idea either. Dementia and strokes have been documented to change personality and decision making processes so much that devoted family men have killed their wives, children and grandchildren. It's rare it goes that far and no one wants to believe their loved one could be so effected but it does happen. Your husband's anger and blaming you for his problems are indications that he could be physically aggressive toward you and when that happens no one can really predict what form that aggression will take.
BTW - why would you load guns prior to storing them? Did you mean unload?
That would have eliminated most of the terrible school shootings.
Sadly, the NRA didn't like this new technology.
I went out today to see him and though he got brash a couple of times overall it was a good visit. As to him being physical...I just don't know if he would be capable of that. But I have learned to follow my instincts and will be careful when he comes home. Thank you TN.
I understand about the fox guarding the henhouse, or rather the guns. The issue would be that gunsmiths have more storage capacity, controlled environment, and more security than the average homeowner. Photographing the guns and identifying them as much as possible would theoretically guard against theft.
But now you've made me rethink the issue. Check your PMs.
Thanks for that information.