He can still do things, takes a mile-long walk with his dogs every day, but otherwise lays on the couch and watches his choice of shows on tv all day. (I haven't touched the remote in years!). His stroke was 6 years ago and since then has no interest in much of anything. He leaves all financial and business decisions and handling completely up to me, but reserves the right to find fault after the fact. He complains about and finds fault with nearly everything I do, from not leaving enough ice in the ice cube tray to getting in his path as he's walking through the house. He pretty much expects me to make the world rearrange itself to meet the way he wants it, and I get angrily criticized when I can't/don't keep him from having to be uncomfortable or inconvenienced. I understand that he is physically uncomfortable with constant tingling on his left side, and even though he still has high IQ, his processing is slower so he gets frustrated and pushes handling anything complicated off on to me to handle. The constant strain to avoid being the target of his anger and criticism wears on me, though. I did get him to take a thc gummy that a friend gave me a few weeks ago and it was wonderful--he was pleasant all day until it wore off! But, those aren't legal where we live, so that's not an option either. Not long after his stroke a doctor prescribed antidepressants, but he decided he didn't need them and refuses to take any. I get depressed waking up to face another day of the tv blaring, him laying on the couch, and a running commentary on what I'm not doing right. (yes, I'm on antidepressants!) I seldom leave the house without him because he doesn't like for me to (the price I have to pay for leaving isn't worth it for me), and I have few friends as I have become more and more isolated in the years since his stroke and the changes in him. Other people don't seem to enjoy his company (angry outbursts, complaining, heated criticism of me, etc), so I suspect they pretty much stay away because of him. I don't insist on us being with other people because his angry behavior is embarrassing and stressful for me. I've involved myself in crafting at home as a way to distract myself, but I long for happy interactions. Leaving isn't an option, so how do I keep from drowning in the constant negativity.
So basically, you are allowing yourself to be manipulated by this gentleman. That's very sad.
For him, if he is walking with his dogs he is doing quite well. Perhaps it is his CHOICE now to be a couch potato. It's an option.
You can't change him. You can suggest he see his MD, seek counseling, try anti-depressants (but you see how much good they are doing YOU).
Ultimately, the stroke may have changed the man you married. I assume not changed him enough that you wish to divorce him, but it's a thought to consider, also.
You can ask that he seek counseling with you, marriage and family practioner.
After all of that (and you are bright; you have thought of much of that already) the choice is yours.
Time for a sitdown. Tell hubby.
"Hon, I have made all the suggestions I can for you to be happier, but you are not. You don't want to participate a whole lot in life anymore and that's FINE if that is your decision. I will miss you in my OWN participation, but I won't give it up.
I hope to stay with you lifelong, but now I also have to seek friends and activities I enjoy away from you. I hope you will understand, but if you do or if you do NOT, those are the facts".
Ask him to continue to consider things he might like to try and tell him you are all for giving those things a try WITH him. Collage, chess, card games, puzzles, games boards?
My partner and are are 81 and 83 and we still love to foster and place dogs with a volunteer group. Your Hubby loves dogs. Dog training and loving is something he can perhaps do. That's just an example.
You two aren't joined at the hip. You have to create your own life that is independent of his in these trying circumstances. I sure wish you the best and hope you'll update us.
Hubby is likely suffering from dementia as an after effect of his stroke so his angry outbursts and heated criticisms may be due to that. Which doesn't make his abusive behavior any easier or more palatable to tolerate.....just something to think about.
Why isn't leaving an option? Speak to an elder care attorney about your options and splitting assets, etc. Even if you never do it, knowing you CAN may help a lot.
Hire in home help to deal with DH so you can get out and away from the house. If he doesn't like it, that's too bad. There are TWO people who matter here, not just him. Your life matters too!
Give him an ultimatum that he either tries antidepressants for 6 months or you stop doing for him and he's on his own. You will no longer tolerate his verbal abuse PERIOD so what is he going to do to facilitate a change???
What he's doing here is unacceptable because it's causing you depression and isolation, not to mention embarrassment and pain. You WILL drown in the constant negativity if something doesn't change soon. Make DH aware of that. And speak to his doctor about a plan of action as well.
Good luck to you.
But if you are determined to stay, do it your way, not his. YOU decide when you can go out. YOU decide what you do while you're away from the house. If YOU want a spring getaway with friends and not him, YOU start planning.
See, it isn't HIS life you're living. It's YOUR life.
Sending you a private message, which you can access under your profile.
What is the very worse outcome? You go to jail for a few days, he goes to a facility and you refuse to take him back when you are released, screaming unsafe discharge! I would be loading the car right now.
So know that gummies gave me horrible diarrhea.
But then so much DOES! (hee hee. Very irritable bowel).
Just stay home first day you give them.
And then there is this. If the gummies don't work for HIM, perhaps worth a try for YOU so that you can find the humor in it. I mean, there is humor in EVERYTHING, if you can just fine it.
I have two daughters who once
adored their father. Now they live
in denial believing that I don’t
need any help from them. So I am
filing totally alone. He is so mean
to me that when they do visit us
they can’t stay very long because
they don’t want to hear him yelling at me. Calling me names like your so fat, dumb and ugly. It is like he
is an 8 year old boy. If I leave him
and go to the store I tell him all
that he needs to know but he will
call me every 10 minutes asking
what are you doing. Then when I
get home he goes crazy yelling
where have you been. He believes
that I have been gone all day. So if
I try and talk to him about it he will
really gets mad and start throwing and breaking things. The worst part
is he has no regret for his behavior.
This is Not the husband and father
that he was before his 3 strokes.
I am doing all that I can to help him
but I miss him a lot. I am always
looking for something to help me
to make my life better for all of us
who once knew that strong good looking and funny guy.