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I am asking this question because I notice that it periodically comes up in a number of the comments that I’ve read. I hope that respondents feel safe sharing whatever they are comfortable with, and that they find support here. There can be a great deal of shame and fear around money, and I hope that talking about it helps.

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No, I do not pay for my mothers or step-mothers care. I am 76, need to take care of me.
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Not a lot, I've been careful about that, but I'm sure, 3 years plus how many lunches I've picked up on the way. Telling her the pads where 10 dollars when they were more,
Taking her shopping, kholes, Michaels, dollar general, it's so hard to not spend money that I wasn't planning on, when you wonder in this stores for ever, and come home with stuff I didn't need. 3 years of that I'm sure has added up.

But I'm sure others have it much much worse.
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I always encourage people here not to invest their own savings in the care of parents. Many of our crew approach old age themselves; it honestly takes a lifetime and good luck to save enough funds to self insure that you an take care of yourselves in age.

I am not saying, if you are quite COMFORTABLE, that you should not help your parents out here and there, perhaps someone once a week to do housekeeping, and so on. What I am saying is that you cannot afford to pick up the slack of what is not covered after SS goes toward ALF payment and there is still outstanding bills each month.

Everyone has to make these decisions for themselves. Each individual does the best they can for their own family.
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In the beginning of my mother, being back in my life, I was laying out some serious money. She was behind on all utilities. In the interest of keeping her in her house and off of my doorstep I paid to get those caught up. I paid the elder care lawyer for some legal work, about $2000 worth to get POA and the ladybird deed on her house done. The elder lawyer also made a formal loan agreement so that any money I help her with can technically be recovered from her estate, and will also satisfy Medicaid should that ever come up. She does not have much of an estate beyond the house. The house is a piece of garbage. I have been paying things like gas to take her to her medical care in a city an hour away. That is not as often as it was. I do occasionally by her clothing or some things to work on her house with. But I have not laid out any big money all at once since the beginning of this deal. I do the cleaning at her house because I won’t pay for someone. And I know she would refuse and doesn’t have much spare money anyway. I will not ever pay for extended caregiving or anything like that for her.
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Yes , I worked part time instead of fulltime while propping up my parents to stay in their home about a dozen years too long while I had teens/ college age kids to support . They should have moved to an apartment in the beginning.

Then I also had to go to every doctor appt because they could never keep the changes all straight in their heads about what the doctor said to do . I had to write down their med schedules for them to follow each day for years . Brought meals, took them out etc . etc.

They should have been in AL sooner , they refused to go to AL or to spend the money on hired help or to have strangers come in the home . I should have stopped helping them sooner but I promised .

The negative effect was I didn’t save what I could have for retirement and I’m still paying off parent college loans for my two kids .

We will be relying on what my husband saved for retirement . It was a huge mistake to promise to take care of my parents .

In the end Dad ended up in a nursing home for 3 months on palliative care bedbound before his death . A year later Mom went to AL because of dementia. She couldn’t be home alone anymore . She was there about 20 months before she died .

The one thing I never did was let them move in with us . I went to their house to help them and I did come home to my own home every night .

DH and I are currently trying to somewhat downsize but prices in my area are through the roof . Our current house is not huge but we have a big yard . We want a master bed and bath on the first floor or preferably a ranch in 55 and over but the competition is fierce to get into 55 and over driving up the price .

So downsizing isn’t going to leave us with a lot of extra money from the sale of our current home . Plus that extra money will most likely be needed to update the next house . Some of the bathrooms are particularly nasty if an elder was having issues . I am assuming to be ripping out bathrooms . I’m hoping to avoid a full kitchen renovation . Some of these homes the elders moved in them 20-25 years ago and didn’t maintain them . Old stained carpets , haven’t painted in 20 years etc .
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Yes it has. I have paid all her bills and late charged and groceries with my own money. After Dad died she somehow spent almost all of his retirement money. On what, no clue. How can I pay for a facility for years? Selling her house is questionable as the housing market sucks right now. She has too many assets to get medicaid. I guess I'm stuck. Hate to say it that way but it is the way it is.
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So use her assets until they are gone!

Or are you looking for a reason to remain her dutiful slave caregiver? If yes, that's okay, just own it and it will make it easier.
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I can understand how you would feel stuck in that situation. I hope that the housing market improves. It would be better for you if she were self-sufficient.
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You made a wise decision for your mental health to not allow them to move in with you.

I hope that the parent college loans eventually get paid off, and that nudges you into a position of greater financial freedom.

Thanks for your honesty.
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Way, I hear you. I know of many, many people who entered retirement still paying their student loans. I was there a few times with my children paying their Parent Plus loans. I eventually paid those out by refinancing my home, which I would not advise anyone to do. I know that some children when they graduate college do not want to take on the responsibility of payments of the Parent Plus loans, but I was wondering why your child/children did not suggest taking over the payments of the Parent Plus loans which would be a big help to you financially. Also, people with student loans who work as public servants will have their student loans forgiven after paying for 10 years. My daughter, who works for the state where we live, will have the balance of her student loans forgiven in a few months because this year is her 10th year working as a public servant.
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Dupedwife,

My kids each had one student loan . One is done paying hers but is trying to save money to buy a house. She lives with her fiancé in his small condo in an expensive area . My other will be done paying his off in about 6 months . He at least has a house . We will be done paying parent loans off by the time we retire , and no mortgage . My husband will also get a nice pension . But more retirement savings would have been nice especially if we live long and need care .
My daughter in law is enrolled in the same program that you spoke of because she works at a state university . She has 4.5 more years to go to reach her 10 years. It’s funny we saw the kids 2 days ago and we were talking about the college loans .

I would not want my kids to pay my parent loans . It was because of my decision to look after my parents and work part time that I have those loans. My kids should not have to pay for my mistakes . My parents lived longer than I thought they would .
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Roger, I know how aggravating your situation is, and I empathize with you. As Isthisrealyreal advised, your mother needs to spend down her assets and then she will qualify for Medicaid. If you can afford it, my advice is for you to hire an elder law attorney who has experience with Medicaid and who will advise you on how your mother could qualify for this program. DO NOT let your mother stress you out to the point where you will end up having medical problems. You have your life ahead of you and you will need your health and strength to live your life.
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I did a dumb thing retiring three years ago. It did not occur to me that I could get as old as my parents who both will be 96 this year. I now realize that I could possibly outlive my money just like they are. I thought I was in good financial shape but if I live this long, who knows.

Once my parents' house is sold --hopefully by the end of the year-- I will find myself a part time job.
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Read interesting article about how by 2035 or later 70% of baby boomers will need some caregiving.
And with cost of facilities many will have to rely on children, that would be mostly women, 21st century did not change general perception of caregiving, it is still expected of women 40-50+ to give up careers and take care of aging parents.
Some of those women have young children as perhaps they started families in later 30s, some need to work, most should work as traditional way of 1900 of men supporting women is long gone. Many will find themselves divorced and impoverished.
And every woman caregiver to husband or parents should take care of her finances. Don’t think you need to rely on financial advisor, just put your money in safe place with compounding interest and conservative approach you might do better than taking advice from somebody who wants highest commission.
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Most of us who have reached our late 80s-90s likely did not intend or want to live as long as my husband (94) and I (87) have. Personally, I figured I'd be outta here about 10 years ago. Surprise! Fortunately, we have great retiree healthcare coverage and have lived well within our means, so we have no debt and some retirement savings. (We both had long careers in the nonprofit health and human services sector which is not known for its munificent salaries so saving $1 million for retirement was never on our radar screen. In addition, we got a late start since we met/married in our 40s.)

So, if we end up in a care facility for more than a relatively short period, we'll probably need Medicaid. We do NOT want our adult children to spend any of their money to support us.
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I have spent quite a lot of financial resources supporting my loved one. Although my loved one receives a retirement pension and social security, it's not enough for her to stay at the majority of most assisted living facilities. As such, over the last several years, I have financially shouldered medical appointments, medications, clothes, toiletries, and even some of the rent at the expense of my own needs. Since she declined close to when I was obtaining my PhD, I was not able to go on the job market. As such, I'm working the same job that I was working 14 years ago - one that doesn't require a PhD. Last fall, we had to moved her into a skilled nursing facility. It was during this point that I didn't have to pay for things anymore. Towards the end of December, the facility deemed her able to go back to an ALF. Thankfully, I was able to find a facility where I knew the executive director. So, my loved one now has excess money each month that goes toward the things that I used to have to pay. My students loans are extremely high - the cost of a house. I'm banking on Public Service Loan Forgiveness. I'm in my early 40s. When I initially started caregiving, I was slightly resentful at having to financially shoulder the burden. Now, I don't think much about it because, well, if the money is gone, it's gone. Wishing it for it to come back doesn't make the money come back. We can't go back in time to change things. With that said, by the time I get to the age of my loved one, I'm not expecting assisted living. Since the executive director is about the same age as I, we spent a bit of time talking about how the majority of the people our age (older millennials), will have very little, if any, financial resources when we start to decline.
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