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I don't have it in me to run a mini-therapy group for all of our aides. I just don't. Several people have suggested the path of least resistance would be to clean the slate and let an agency handle the new situation. My wife and I currently look like we've been living in a war zone---we had to move in and take over living Dad's life for him, running his household and Mom's care, about 6 weeks ago, and I couldn't believe what a 90 year old had been handling on his own! We are both exhausted!
As for dad .. is he also so narcissistic or so mentally declined that you can't reason with him? "Dad .. look .. I know you love your independence and I love that about you, too, but ... do you REALIZE how much it hurts Jennifer, your night aide, when you try to climb out of bed and fall? Not just makes her feel bad for not doing her job, but it HURTS her to see you in pain. Really, dad? At least let her come and watch, so that if something goes wrong she's there."
Edna came home from her last surgery with an altered state of mind: more cognizant, but less short term recall .. it was kinda weird .. but she suddenly thought she could just get up out of bed or the chair and walk. So, she'd start to, yanking this that and the other thing out of the way and by the time I got there and asked what's up, she was naked from the waist down, shoes akimbo and sliding out of the chair. "Gotta get up" .... "ok, dear, do me a favor .. lift your right leg .. good, love .. now .. bend the knee .... nono .. the right one. Oh? can't? Gosh .. think that'll work for walking? like some help, yet?" Now, at least, she calls when she wants to move. Took a bit a doing, but it eventually sunk in that help was just help.
In our situation, we have just have Edna: She suffered a stroke 5+years ago and has a number of other health issues that we monitor. There are two of us who live with her. She needs 99% assistance with bed, bath, food, ambulance, etc. We are wholly responsible for the house upkeep, her health and well-being ... and just happen to love the heck out of her. We split our shifts so that I work 4 days on, my partner does the other three, and we cover each other's shifts if the need arises. We're compensated with room & board, plus (all within legal/ethical bounds). We have a rather special set of circumstances in that we're more like family caregivers than for hired ........ we're here until the end (literally .. either our own or hers). It works GREAT for Edna, her family and us, the caregivers.
We have a lot of 'down time' during the day (between meeting Edna's needs and keeping the house), so we rarely have to consider breaks, etc.
The real trick is finding people who are: compatible, responsible, knowledgeable and trustworthy. If you find people who REALLY care about *your* loved one, be somewhat prepared to balance work ethic with emotional upheavals. This is HARD work, even without considering personality conflicts that happen with living together. The people who do this work are dedicated to it .. and *koffs* don't really have much of another life.
If it were my choice to do over, we'd have a third person available. Sometimes I really DO just want to say, "god! not today .. Can Ruth cover the shift please???"
Come back and ask questions as they arise... we are here to help make it possible for your parents to remain in their home.... wishing you luck and prayers for a good outcome.
I know you mean well, but please re-read my question. I'm not asking whether to do this; I am asking how to do this most efficiently. thanks--eliezering
The Aides who contribute to this site love their patients like family and would never leave because it is the end of their shift. I wish this is always the case but at all levels some will call in sick just to use up their sick days. I am sure other caregivers and Aides will gladly share their advice, just don't be rushed in your decision making and base it on emotion, take time to really think it through.
Our wish is to bring him home to Mom and provide for both of them what he provided for her for so long. How many aides, and in what configuration, do we need to do this? Live-in? Two live-ins? Two 12-hour aides, 3 eight-hour? Different people on weekends? Mom can be left alone in a chair, because she can no longer get up by herself, and is often asleep. Dad can already get himself out of his wheelchair at the rehab, but doesn't understand that he can't walk on his own yet, so he will need to be watched constantly. If there was only one aide present and the aide had to change or clean Mom, Dad could be a danger to himself. Yet having two aides round the clock seems unnecessary. Has anyone figured out a good formula for this situation that won't require my wife and I to move in, but perhaps live nearby to keep an eye on the situation and manage things?
sending you hugs...
LadeeM .. I get it. *hugs and chocolate*
Glad .. brave of you to 'let go' enough to find the space for yourself. It's really hard to let someone else do what you know you do so well. Just remember that when you notice (if you do) any anxiety from your mom .. it might take a little adjusting. *hugs*
And, tomorrow .. respite for me. Yay!! The local casino has been gifting free room nights. I'll take 'em!!
I'm going to coffee with a woman I used to babysit for when I was in high school tomorrow. Through the last six months or so she has become a very dear friend! She naturally knows both sisters and well aware of how screwed up one was then and continues to be.
I am looking forward to tomorrow. Maybe I am just like an overprotective mother. I wonder if other child caregivers feel that way. I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes for mom.