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The other thing to remember is that love between a couple is a mysterious thing. You really dont know what went on in private, if dad ever asked mom to seek treatment for her mental health issues. Perhaps by staying, he sought to protect you and your siblings from the damage she would have caused if she had custody of you on her own, which certainly was the way the world worked when you were young.
Much to ponder.
Daddy loved mom, but he was completely befuddled by her depression/anger/anxiety. Never really did deal with it, but never got her help, either. He'd just give in to whatever she wanted.
He DID enable her to simply not function. I think in the 60's men just didn't "get it"--he worked super hard for our family, but mother's neediness just drove him crazy.
My hubby does not fuss me, not one iota. It's assumed that he will get "old" first and I will care for him. If I get to the point I need care, he will hire out, which is what we've planned. He just...can't.
I'm seeing more and more husbands stepping up to care than in the past. This is heartening. I know my SILS are MUCH more caring and hands on when the girls need them--not in an enabling way, but in a helpmeet way. My son makes a STELLAR "wife" as his wife is always telling me.
We also probably notice it b/c there is a lot of chatter in this forum for just this thing.
I assume there was something physiological - his initial neurologist made the ALZ diagnosis, but later we took him to Mayo Clinic and the neurologist there said he saw on the brain MRI some episodes of some kind. He didn't clarify. But the point is that my moms behavior may have exacerbated the problems already present in the brain physiologically.
her craziness. He would have likely won full custody as she had very hard time hiding the crazy, I literally begged him to leave her.
But when she passed and I started helping my Dad, it turned out that he was extremely needy as well. Wants constant attention and treats me like a surrogate spouse. So although he doesn't exactly do crazy he's very manipulative, poor me,
pay attention to me right now! person. I didn't see this so much growing up so I'm guessing he got his needs fulfilled elsewhere during the marriage.
Been wondering if him being checked out of marriage drove my Mom's craziness
to higher peaks and also why he placated her so much. Wondering if he was just trying to shut her up and get back to his private life.
So how much of the time is it just Dads not knowing how to cope, and having been long trained in the strong silent type ethos, they're just placating their wives They are just at a loss how to handle things and how to protect the kids?
And how many times is it two dysfunctional narcissistic people creating a toxic dance to get their needs filled? Might look same from outside but I think in some cases there is good intent and others just selfishness.
He was a sweet guy who didn't have a chance. But he still managed to instill in us unconditional love, kindness and his creative, funny spirit...and that is in our kids.
When they get like that, you just want to stick them both in a little box and send them away to Abu Dabi like Garfield did to Nermal (I know that is unrealistic on many levels, but it can be fun to imagine).
I think the worst part is it makes you feel outnumbered and like you are in the crazy party. Total gaslighting effect.
No advice as I don't know your full situation (like has the crazy always been there or is it dementia?), but sending positive vibes and healing.