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My husband has done well by joining a car club. The guys all talk about cars they have known and loved and tinkered with, and it’s something in common. At the same time, they share their past, as a side conversation. You learn about their lives gradually, long after you learn about how they fixed up their first old bomb. I need to make more of an effort to get to know the women/ wives in the car club, which is more difficult when all we have in common is playing second fiddle to cars!
I tried getting involved with a craft center, but found that virtually all crafts involve stretching your arms out in front of you, and that upsets my difficult back. I tried on a non-profit management committee, and found that it was hopeless - in spite of (or because?) I had worked as a well-paid consultant sorting out the problems they had. I am thinking of volunteering for an OpShop, because I am free when they have staffing problems in school holidays (when mothers are busy with children, and grandmothers are busy with grandchildren).
What about you? Any ideas for when all the trials are over? When too many of the family are dead? The news program suggested joining a Ukelele players club, which was certainly one out of left field!
Sometimes it helps to be the leader of something. Maybe contact all the car club wives and suggest a separate/tandem activity for all the you all while the guys are meeting up: talk about interesting places to drive/travel to, plan a pot-luck dinner on club nights, think about how to apply the car club talents to benefit those less fortunate, etc). Maybe just start by asking the wives to meet and see if they're even interested, and get their input for suggestions.
Back in the early/mid 2000's when scrap metal had high value, our church started a scrap metal "ministry" that involved locating/picking up, sorting/disassembling. Let me tell you it was great fun for many years: our family and 3 young (at the time) sons (and other kids) loved going around on Junk Day (in our communities) collecting and then being able to smash, hammer, drill and deconstruct all sorts of items. Both adult men and women at church joined in to help in this unique activity. The proceeds helped pay off a building bond for our church. This is certainly an unusual example but the point is to be creative.
Also at my church is a group of women who like to sew. They make fleece blankets to donate to shelters, and create items to add to Operation Christmas Child holiday shoeboxes. The older women teach the younger ones (even middle and high schoolers). This is not a formal ministry -- it just needs one person to keep it going.
Consider taking a risk and be the host of such activities or the leader/starter, like a neighborhood bible study. Here in the States Nextdoor.com is a very handy tool to stay connected with neighbors and surrounding communities.
Consider doing something outside of your wheelhouse. Join a group or club on the premise that you're trying this "new thing" on for size.
- Mentoring
- Community enhancement/support
- Wildlife/nature conservation
etc.
I enjoy social media, but it is basically an hour in the a.m. and an hour later in the day to catch up with Facebook friends, and etc. I feel like I know and enjoy them all. But I don't get deep into their lives and it is how I like it.
I would say that since my brother's death I miss that ONE FRIEND I was close to in almost every way. The rest in my life are acquaintances. Family is enough for me.
I often think that those who had faithbased community, knitting club, quilting club, library lecture friends, are lucky. But I am much like what my bro explained to me. He had close neighbors and he said when they had a party and he WAS NOT invited, he would look over at the lights, the cocktails, the laughter and long to be there. But when he WAS THERE having been invited, he looked back at the lights of his little place on the river and longed to be home.
I think for those who long for companionship it is not difficult to find. On Lok in my city provides daily lunches. Some stay to have their BP measured; some stay for a few hands of rummy. There are, like I said, any number of things like church (for believers), volunteering, guilting clubs, and etc. Even movies at the library with discussions after in my city. So I watch. I consider. But basically I stay on my solitary walks and in my garden and doing dog fostering quite happily. I have a dear partner. That makes a difference. But even we are sometimes ships passing in the night (or day) as we go about our own "thing".
Interesting question, Margaret.
(is it any wonder I'm still here on AgingCare?)
But now I am a people person and I get that not everyone is. And while I enjoy being with my friends, I do also just enjoy being by myself occasionally piddle putzing around my house and yard.
I think it's important to have a healthy balance of the 2.
At this time I have my DH. He is my best friend. We do everything together. I had lunch with a friend a few weeks back. Out of 4 of us I was the only one married and sort of made to feel an outcast because I still had my husband. Oh yes, widows band together.😁
I don't think I will ever go looking for friends even as a widow. If one happens to pop in my life, OK.
It’s an important part of the problems in caring for someone at home. They can be very lonely indeed, alone in a room all day while their ‘jobs’ are done for them somewhere else in the house. Loneliness is surely behind a lot of the ‘shadowing’, the demanding behavior, and the lack of real appreciation for all the “jobs” that get done out of sight.
I’m still thinking about the ukelele clubs, which are such a strange phenonomen. (I've lost the spelling even!) But I am very glad to get these responses, to make me think about being constructive about options. Thank you, site friends!
Of more general interest, your comments have made me think more about the activities at the Seniors Center in Alice. I realise that they are usually ‘led’ by someone who arrives and opens up, leads the activity, and then closes up ASAP. What’s missing is the time to chat over a cup of something, which gives you the opportunity to make friends with the other participants. I might think about that some more, and have a talk with the powers-that-be when we get back. The exercise class is an end in itself, but most of the other activities (even the ukelele group) could give a stronger focus on personal interaction. It’s worth noting that arthritis in the hands actually interferes with many ‘appropriate’ activities, like knitting and crochet.
Thanks to all of you for keeping me thinking about how to solve my problems (and other people’s problems too). Yours, Margaret
I’ve found that I had to just take the plunge and ask a couple of interesting people from these activities if they would like to meet for coffee or for lunch.
No one has said no, yet! 😅 Coffee is just enough time to really get to know someone.
It’s a bit scary, but I’ve gotten some sweet friends this way. So, it was worth putting myself out there. 😃
My aunt was thrilled when she got an invite to join a members only coffee klatsch - I'm not sure why they were so snobbish about it because it was just a bunch of local women meeting up at the local diner for coffee and gossip.
Another aunt used to bemoan her lonely life after she was widowed, she tried joining clubs and classes but invariably the other people were there with friends and family and she always felt like an outsider. She finally found a community when she joined a church choir - we thought she got a little sanctimonious after that but I think she was happier.
My own mom was very isolated after her macular degeneration caused her to lose her driving license but found a group of other women to chat with on the phone - I was amused because some of those same small town women would never have socialized in the past, but their shared histories and family connections brought them together when their previous social circles disappeared.
One of my great aunts married for the first time in her mid 70's, her husband brought with him a whole family, including grand kids. We were always grateful they accepted her completely and took such good care of her!
My bachelor uncle always had a gang of men hanging about sharing drinks and laughs, I suppose his lesson would be to keep your liquor cabinet well stocked and allow all comers.
I almost forgot the card parties and clubs! Bridge clubs, Solo clubs, but especially euchre parties used to be very big here, so much so that they actually posted the winners in the local paper. But I'm not sure if they are still a thing 🤔
When we got here 20+ years ago, and were doing our ‘best practice’ attempts on the farm, we were invited to join a couple of local landcare environmental groups. We turned them down on the basis that we had time to do it or to talk about it, but not both. It was ‘the right thing’ at the time, but the other choice might have made things easier now. Neither of us are ‘believers’, other than in the ideas of the Sermon on the Mount, which makes the easy Church options really hypocritical.
Alice Springs has always been a town with many transients, and the long term locals usually have adult children who have moved to every place in Oz, so it’s not so locally focussed. It will be easier when we are there permanently. But I will still have to pull my finger out and try!
I lost touch with a few friends years ago during my first two caregiving stints . And I didn’t have a lot of time to see the others either . At the time I had two friends I worked with , so I saw them a lot and that was great . They were great friends to me when my parents were declining . But then they retired and one moved away . The other is very busy being a grandma .
Then Covid hit . Now I’ve been trying to get to see some friends. My two best friends have cancer now . And three other friends are doing a lot of grandma duties . It seems nobody is available .
I also feel it is important for the older generations to make an effort to mingle with the younger ones and we need to be proactive as possible to do this. I just joined a nightime weekly bible study at our church. Our church is growing and there's many new members that I don't know. This new weekly gathering gives me the chance to get to know many awesome young women (and some older ones, too!) on another level. The older generation has so much experience and wisdom to contribute. Why hide that light under a basket?
Also, rubbing up against the younger crowd is good for us. If elders feel invisible I think it is often because they *make* themselves invisible. The choose it. We have to make the effort to stay engaged and be relevant. The internet helps a lot with this. And this is also why we should look forward to self-driving cars: so we can go out on dark and snowy nights to a gathering and not worry about the conditions -- or getting lost!
Senior Center? We don't have one where I live. There was a small one but as members died off, it went by the wayside. No one wants to get things organized. I am not an organizer and at 74, really don't want to try.
My Mom had her Church. At 78 she was a Widow and there were a number of them in the Church. So she had her socialization.
I’m feeling a bit better than when I first posted this question (partly thanks (very much) to the responses), but I still see it as a major issue in my post-76 life. I’m seeing it as about making ME feel better, not about ACHIEVING something worthwhile – which was my previous life! It’s quite a big change for me… And thank you, folks!
I invest time and effort into friendships
Like dinner parties, going out with for events or simple meals.
Some we traveled the world with.
with many we took trips with staying at the same apartments, it was funny and awful at times.
All forgiven and we laugh.
Some we will travel with soon.
I am well aware of need to make new friends as well, some moved or will be moving, two others are starting caregiving for parents, some will work forever.
I am not against some community events to meet people but it seems awkward and forced.
I need different ideas.