By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Move forward. You, your wife and your FIL deserve as full a life as you all can handle.
One thing that might help is to call facilities before touring them to find out when they're having activities that might interest him, especially the musical ones. There's a dynamic, a special feeling in the specific room, almost a sense of adrenalin rush, when the musicians come to play. It might encourage him to think more positively about a facilitiy.
Good luck, congratulations for being able to accomplish this change in approach, and please keep us updated. It's always encouraging when something works out for the best.
You do raise a good question, though, one with which many of the posters here, including myself, have battled. I don't know if there is a standard answer. Every party should have equal rights and treatment, but often with a parent who has dementia that ratio changes and becomes weighted in favor of the elder.
In an ideal world, we each would have the same level of rights, but it's had to balance that.
But theory doesn't answer your question. I've written before that I see these situations as graphs, in your case with your FIL's welfare represented by a diagonal line which is increasing, and yours represented by a decreasing diagonal line. The point at which they crossed has obviously been reached and your welfare is decreasing. So it is time to restore some balance.
I do think it's time for your FIL to move, especially since there's a lack of marital privacy. And yes, you do have a right to want to move on, as well as to have the benefits of your marriage restored to you without another party present all the time.
And I think you recognize that your wife is probably concerned with her father on an emotional and protective level that might be stronger at this time, because of his needs and not because of any diminution of concern for your. Her father's just in a worse place right now.
If you can focus on what's best for FIL, that might be a better approach. Then you're not putting yourself or your wife first, but rather your FIL. And he IS the one who needs care.
It also wouldn't hurt to do some research on Alz, as eventually it may become more than just desirable, it may become absolutely necessary. Starting that planning now would be wise.