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It's good if you can honestly be thinking "how does this compare to the other place?" There is a lot of superficial beautiful out there, but some of the older facilities have a better quality of care.
you can compare costs, and possibly use the lower cost of one to bargain with the other. Yes, there is a lot of haggling that CAN go on if you are private pay. Try to find out what the occupancy rate of each facility is. The emptier they sre, thee hunger they are. (It might be an indication of poor care, so do online searches)
it will add to your FIL sense that he's not bring given the bum's rush.
if they disparage the practise of another facility (assigned seating, say), ask if they tried that method and what they found lacking. Find out what their "approach" to dementia is. Do they have a director of nursing? What is her training with dementia residents. (Assigned seating means EVERYONE has a place to sit and allows for the folks running the place to avoid the "mean girls" lunchroom thing. Some places just 'wing' the dementia thing and hope for the best. Other places have rigorously researched programs in place with extensive staff training .
Ask how many (actual numbers) and percentage of males there are. You want to make sure FIL has a peer group.
and lastly, I'm a big believer of comparison shopping. It's an easy way for there to be more, less artificial conversation about this fraught subject. Good luck.
She might not be responding positive to me but will listen to her Brother.
So with all that is happening, i see a wee light at the end of this tunnel
So what you can do is start researching and touring facilities on your own, without mentioning it to your wife and provoking her.
But make it adamantly clear that anyone who attempts to follow up by contacting your home (land line) residence in any way will immediately be eliminated from consideration. Or just even given them your name when you tour; make it all anonymous. You don't want some bumbling marketer calling your home and blurting out your activities to your wife.
As to your FIL, watch for signs of depression, sadness, thousand yard stares, unwillingness to engage...similar changes in behavior. The "I'm the last one realization" is often a bitter pill to swallow.
(based on actual observation of a nearby AL facility).
You might want to pursue the issue of why she thinks she is "giving up" by finding a placement for him.
Are there any friends in your area who've gone through this and can explain that sometimes the point is reached when home care can't be provided? Any relatives who can help her see that she's NOT giving up but rather pursuing a different path of care? Can you think of an analogy on handling some other issue, perhaps with children or co-workers, when one strategy is no longer effective and another has to be pursued? Does she understand the meaning of mid-course correction?
And is she aware of how FIL's behavior is affecting you, especially when he disrupts your sleep? If it affects your ability to be alert at work, then it's reached the point discussed earlier in this thread, that his behavior is affecting your ability to provide for your family.
The other issue is whether being home alone and at loose ends is at all helpful given that his sister has cancer. And it's not. He needs distraction, and he's not going to get it at home. If he were in IL, at least he'd be with other people.
Some questions to ask her:
1. Does she realize how unhappy he is now? Does she think that's fair to him, to hold back based on what she interprets as her need to continue to keep him in your joint home?
2. What factors exist that make her think she's "giving up?" Without being facetious, she's not kicking him out to live under a viaduct; she's making good, helpful arrangements for him.
I think the point is how to make her realize that she would be helping him not hurting him, and right now, it seems no one is being helped.
I wish you luck; this isn't an easy situation.
I wish you the best in dealing with this.
As his dementia worsens, she's not going to be able to care for him at home alone. You are going to need three shifts of caregivers. So, so much better for him to be in AL where he'll actually have more control over his life.
Is this a matter of someone (you, her) thinking that she'll have to back to work if he goes to AL? It sounds as though there is something strong that is interfering with her doing what is in her dad's best interests.
Your FIL is not going to get "more ready". He's declining and will be LESS able to adjust as time goes on. Does she realize this?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/want-life-marriage-back-cant-care-for-mom-186396.htm
You need to move forward with plans to move your FIL. There will come a time that any change is living situation will become very difficult for him and thus you and your wife. The earlier in dementia a move occurs, I believe, the easier on our loved ones. Soon enough it is easier for them to get involved and make friends, participate etc.