Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Jodi,
At a loss for an answer right now.

But I do want to acknowledge there was someone up late enough to read your question.

I think that I have a question for you.
If your caregiving is a labor of love, (and I believe you), does it also build resentment in you?

Have a piece of chocolate cake (my avatar), and get back to us later.
Get enough rest tonight. 🍩

There’s an entirely different set of circumstances going on in our family but “years of guilt and programming” definitely apply. I have an undiagnosed, but clearly not mentally well sibling. I have no memory of him being well or happy, and many memories of him causing disruption and drama in our family. As an adult, I’ve learned to use boundaries to deal with the situation and have distanced myself in many ways while maintaining a basically cordial relationship. But I’m watching one of his adult children constantly trying to appease, make it better, cajole, cave in, work harder and more to win approval. The years of guilt and programming are in full force. And nothing done is ever good enough. I’m glad you’re seeking therapy to figure all this out and hope you find helpful, applicable solutions that will be useful in moving forward. I wish you peace

I am no expert on living with or caring for a narcissistic person, but from what I am reading of what you have written above, you have been some sort of "caregiver" for everyone in your family since you were 12. So it was a learned or "programmed" behaviour from early on, and yet you say that your caring for your narcissistic mom is a "labor of love." Perhaps some of that is true, however as you get deeper into your therapy, I am guessing you will discover that it really is guilt that is guiding your decisions to care for her.

Do you live with your mom? You profile doesn't state anything about you caring for your mom, only your aunt in another state. And what is going on with your mom that she needs you to care for her?

You said that "we need to love ourselves", and that is so true. However in some cases that might just mean removing ourselves from the negative and unhealthy people in our lives, so we can truly heal and grow into the people God intended us to be.

Please take care of yourself, before you take care of anyone else. God bless you.

Just a thought for now something to think over, but perhaps this is the time to begin shifting the focus of care and love towards yourself. If she’s a narcissist in the true sense of the word meaning unable to care about others needs, manipulative, mean spirited, attention seeking etc is not only bad for you physically but mentally as well. Narcissists can literally rob you of your health among other things. You said you’ve been acting as a caretaker for your family in one way or other since you were 12! My heart goes out to you, that’s a lifetime caring for others instead of you. I think a healthy place to start is talking to the counselor about reclaiming the rights to your own life, rather than making the focus caring for others, and practicing healthy self care. You can start small, treat yourself to a cup of your favorite hot tea ( or whatever you enjoy) take a nice walk, call a friend, watch a movie, make a list of things just for you and literally schedule in to make sure you are taking time each day solely to focus on taking care of you, you deserve it, let us know how your doing.

I think it’s a good possibility about resentment, in fact I can’t imagine not having some or a lot of resentment at being in a role of caring for others since such a young age.

Here is my opinion- Guilt and programming 100%, and a desire to be loved by that parent.

I went to therapy, like you are doing. I think it was a good thing and I hope your therapist helps you to work through some difficult emotions.

Self care is very important, and is a work in progress for me at the moment, but no doubt it is important so take good care of yourself. And boundaries, which your therapist will talk about I'm sure! Boundaries are essential with these narcissistic emotional vampires!

Programming.

A few weeks ago my DH went to visit his mother (alone, as I stepped out 9 months ago and 'divorced her'...I had HAD it and will never see her again. SO freeing!)

Dh was so mad at me, b/c he'd drag me with him to see her and let me take the whipping boy position while he did the minor repairs or whatever she needed while we were there. As both of them are pretty deaf, a 'visit' with neither wearing hearing aids is a joke. She asks me a ?, he doesn't hear her, I start to answer and then he butts in with a comment, she screams (literally, screams) at ME to SHUT UP while my DH is talking.

To DH, a scream is probably what normal hearing is like to people who don't have hearing issues. No excuse, just an explanation.

So--he finally garners the courage to go check on her, as guilt eats at him.

He was back in 3 hours and IN TEARS. It only took 45 years of knowing me to see that his mother has been abusive and cruel to me to the point of unbelief.

45 years I have been begging him to PAY ATTENTION and please just stick up for me ONCE. This happened the last visit. She decided to pick on me, and I guess about 2 hours of tearing me to shreds was more than he could handle. He came home just distraught. Said to me "Do you think my mom has issues?" (OMG----the moment I'd been waiting for). I pulled out 3 articles on Narc moms and the damage they can do. I'd been storing them for just such a moment.

He didn't read much---it was still a hot topic with her....she wants him to divorce me and he refused. He did say that reading the little he did was like reading about his mom! (Narcs aren't that hard to spot)

This woman is, sadly, being eaten up by dementia, and the way she 'was' is just becoming more and more intense. There's no hope for her to be 'better' as she has no desire to, and she has been this way her whole life.

The only conclusion we have come to is zero contact for some months and DH will continue with therapy (his therapist moved and he didn't follow up to find a new one).

MIL has 2 friends. My SIL and her neighbor. That's it. She calls no one. She doesn't want anyone in her home and she doesn't want anyone to come into her tiny bubble of comfort.

You cannot fix a narcissistic person, unless they decide they want to change, and MIL doesn't want. She wants me to die (actually hoped that I would die from cancer last year) and was SO disappointed that I am in remission. When told I had 'cured' she said "well, but this kind always comes back".

The people you work on are the LO's, if they have any. She is 90, next week and I am NOT buying her either a birthday gift nor a Christmas gift. Last Christmas she gave me an empty envelope, when all the adults got a $100 bill. To have simply been forgotten would have hurt less. I don't need the money, but it was incredibly embarrassing.

MIL does not know, but might figure it out--that EVERY SINGLE gift, bouquet of flowers or nice card has come FROM ME, not DH. He has not bought her a single gift in 45 years. I have done it all.

Walking away from her has been freeing. She'll live forever, but since the blowup she has changed her will to exclude us. Fine.

I want my DH to find some peace in his life.

funkygrandma59,
Mom does not live with me!! Thank God!!
She moved from another state to be closer to me when I became responsible for my Aunt. Coincidence?? I think not!!
I can't figure out how to update my profile! Lol

"xrayjodib,"

If you'd like to update your profile information, click on your "avatar," on this page in the upper right hand corner and go to "settings" and click on "about me" and/or "caring for" - you can update information about your situation that way and/or the person you are caring for.

I think it's a bit of all you mention; we do it out of love, years of programming, guilt and obligation. I'm an only child, and all of my mother's siblings have died, leaving her the last man standing at nearly 94.

If I were to desert her, she'd literally have nobody but a couple of nieces who call her on a weekly basis; they don't visit or 'do' anything for her, they just call to say hello.

It's not in my nature to 'desert' any one of my family members ANYWAY, because I love them, my mother included...........so I do what I have to do. I love her, but I do not like her at ALL. That's what makes the 'labor of love' extremely arduous and spiked with resentment.

I believe I have been caring for my mother since I was old enough to be able to. She has always been extremely needy & dependent on others for absolutely EVERYTHING emotionally stuck at 5 years old. I think it taught me to back OFF instead of to cling harder...........so I wound up deciding to do the minimum that I felt comfortable doing for her. For my dad, I would have moved heaven and earth. And I did a few times. He was a loving/giving and decent human being who I miss terribly.

My narcissistic mother lives in Memory Care (and AL since 2014), which was Rule #1 for MY self care: there would be NO LIVING with me. Period. Narcissistic people are way way WAY too much to handle, even when they're not living inside of our homes, never mind when they ARE. That's when we totally lose our minds, our lives, and our sense of self.

So to answer your question, I don't think I'm 'selflessly' caring for my selfish mother, but I AM doing everything for her that I need TO do. If it was 'selfless', there would be no resentment involved on my part, and there is. I don't care for her 'at my own expense', but rather, as I am able. The MC does the primary caretaking of her; I do the financials, ordering of the things she needs/wants, the weekly window visits (nowadays), the daily phone calls, the doctor phone calls, hospitals, arrangements for rehabs, etc. I still get to go home alone at night and that's what saves me.

Before the plague hit, DH and I made sure to travel once a year, usually to Europe or a faraway, exotic destination, for at least 2 weeks. During that time, there was NO CONTACT at all with my mother, and it was truly a vacation. A chance to recharge MYSELF!

Once a week now, I ask DH to call my mother, and he's happy to oblige. That lets me have a 'vacation day' once a week from the complaining and carrying on I am forced to listen to the other 6 days a week.

I take her calls at MY convenience, meaning I swipe right on my phone and let them go directly to voice mail when I don't want to be bothered.

I divert ugly conversations and let her know I'll either be leaving her presence or hanging up the phone if the tone doesn't change immediately. And then I FOLLOW THROUGH with the threat of either leaving or hanging up the phone.

I always remember that I matter TOO, here. Not just her. Very often, we get caught up believing the only people that matter are the elders who need care. WE need care TOO. The statistics are ugly with regard to how many of US die before THEM, due to stress and other factors. If we don't want to be statistics, we have to find a way to nurture OURSELVES along with our loved ones who have personality disorders. Otherwise, we lose. Big time.

I am glad you are in therapy now & learning how to take care of YOU! YOU matter TOO, dear girl, and I am happy you are realizing that now! Hope the therapist gives you a whole set of tools to put in your new toolbox labeled: How To Deal With My NPD Mother!

So glad that you are going to therapy.

I went too. I remember my therapist giving me a box of tissues because I was crying so hard.

Therapy is hard but worth it. Yes, I was drained and exhausted when I left a session but it was so nice to have an objective and nonjudgmental person to speak with and put things in perspective.

The first time my therapist pointed out that my mother was manipulative it was an eye opening realization for me.

I had been drowning in guilt feeling as if I was a complete failure as a daughter and caregiver.

Another thing he said to me was that it was okay for me to admit that my mom was a burden. I realized then that I only saw my caregiving as an obligation.

I didn’t view caregiving as a burden and it absolutely was.

This advice allowed me to gain a new perspective and no longer feel guilty about needing time for myself and my family and friends.

So I really feel like you will have an opportunity to discover a new outlook as well during your therapy sessions.

I wish you all the best life has to offer.

Being a caregiver from the age of 12 is a long time! You deserve to have time for yourself.

I think when we don't know what we want, what our passion is in life, we tend to take care of others more. I find myself giving my narcissistic 82 year old mother tons of attention that she takes for granted, only because I have tons of free time and still have not found what I really want to do in life. Once you find your purpose in life, you may not have the time to take care of your mother as much as you do now. It is our free time that allows this. I feel the most important thing in life is not to drift into what others want you do for them but to find what you want to do.
If you do not know, then you will continuously feel compelled to take care of your mother without realizing you.

A continuation: As if your mother is filling this void in you, that you need to fill yourself. It is the natural progression in life.

Lol! I realized that I have been controlled by my 93 yr old Mother my whole life. Yet, I take care of her Royal Highness. I love her for memories of being a good Mom when I was a child. She really was. But, she just couldn't let go and let me live as an adult. She created lots of resentment in me. I think I knew this all along, but speaking to a therapist clarified it.

I don’t do it out of love. I have no love for my mother. I do it because there is no one else, but I keep my distance and strong boundaries. I also do it because I want to show my own children how to “do the right thing” while keeping strong boundaries. And by saying I am doing the right thing it’s not out of obligation or meant to say anyone that had to completely walk away is wrong. I mean it in a way that I have some experience in healthcare and somewhat understand the system so I can easily navigate her care management. I have certainly wished that a state guardian would step in. I am lucky to have strong family support in all this otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do it. And I would NEVER let her in my house.

I take care of myself first. I have made sure she is safe and protected in an AL. I have learned to let go of guilt long ago. Therapy is good. It will give you a new perspective and help you de-program from the years of manipulation. I will not let myself be the whipping boy. Nor will I let myself be her scapegoat.

Best of luck to you and check back with us often!

I take care of my mother who was not a very good mother to me for several reasons.  First and foremost, no one else will do it.  My brother won't do anything that doesn't benefit him in some way.  Secondly, I don't think I could live with myself knowing that I walked away from her without helping.  And lastly, I am taking the high road, because I am a nicer person than she is/was.  I am a better daughter than she was a mother.

Prayers are with you! Lots of great advice on this forum, so keep reading.
My mom is in AL & is truly narcissistic in so many ways. You must separate yourself from her when you can & enjoy life, your life! It took CoVid times for me to realize that my mom is fine without me. Please continue your therapy, read fun books, take walks, go to movies, cook a new meal, love others more, pray, learn a new hobby, take care of a baby, volunteer, etc. Do things for you! You're not used to it, but it'll be the best feeling you've experienced in decades. You owe it to yourself. Be nice to you. Hugs.

I do it out of a sense of duty, and the knowledge that she has no one else to look after her. She is in the MC unit of her ALF, but I took care of her every day when she started declining until I could get her into the facility. She was the typical narcissistic mother, but my basic needs were met, so I can make sure her basic needs were met. I check on her health, make sure she has everything she needs, and I feel like that is the full extent of my duty. We have never had a close relationship—even her lifelong friends have told me I am giving her more attention than she ever gave me—so I’m handling that part the same way I have for years. I am scheduled to FaceTime with her once a week, if she doesn’t feel like it, or wants to argue the whole time, fine, we’ll try again next week. I just tune out the criticism and negativity.
During the time when she first went into the facility, she was very hostile and abusive toward me, so I didn’t visit her for a pretty good long time. I kept in touch with the staff and came in if she needed anything, but left quickly. When I finally did come for a visit, a nurse commented that she hadn’t seen me before and I felt no guilt in telling her that mom and I are not close and I didn’t plan on visiting much, for both of our mental well-being. If you need to do the same, I want you to be guilt-free as well. Find out what your interests are and indulge them. Reward yourself—every visit to mom ended for me with a cupcake from the luxury bakery down the street. Take care of yourself first, make sure her needs are met, then tell yourself that you are enough and you have done enough.

Reading these comments are so helpful to me. I too also have a narcissistic mother. I grew up feeling unloved while watching her dote on my brothers. She never wanted girls (had 2, and 2 boys). Imagine growing up knowing this? Yet I am the one she always confided in with all her problems since I was 12, telling me things a 12 year old should not be told. My mother was never there for me when I needed her to lean on, although I tried to be the good girl. My brother, her golden boy was always in trouble (including jail time). Now she is old and has some form of dementia, the only one she can count on is me!! She calls me anytime during the day or nite without any concern for me. If I try and talk to her about my issues she always returns the conversation back to herself. My sister and brother do nothing for her (her golden boy passed away). So, because she is my mother, I am handling all her affairs trying to keep her from being taken advantage of. I am tired of being the go to daughter , but I don't want to just turn my back on her. She is not wealthy, but lives in a condo, which I made sure all the payment were made on the mortgage, so she does have a decent roof over her head. A caregiver does come in most of the time several days a week, but it is hard to have reliable help. My mother wants to live with me and my husband, but that is the one thing I will never do!! I am learning with the help of my wonderful husband to not let my mother drain me dry physically, and emotionally, its hard, but I'm doing it. I'm so happy for this forum, feels good knowing there are people like me, that we can share our thoughts and suggestions with and pray for.

I agree with all the suggestions for self-care made here; my counsellor keeps reminding me that in a crisis on a plane you out your own oxygen mask on first so that you can help others.

I don't actually know whether I love my narcissistic mother - I feel an uneasy mixture of frustrated affection, sadness, pity and resentment towards her. My life was certainly easier when she lived 150 miles away; now she is 5 minutes away I can't stop thinking I ought to be round there providing company for her - even though it's not my problem that she has never made friends easily and rejects most attempts to get her to join in social activities in her AL (of course these are currently suspended because of the virus). I guess I was conditioned from a young age to believe her well-being was my responsibility, and it's very hard to shake that after 50+ years. Like lealonnie's, my mum has never been independent and has always relied on others, which of course gets worse as old age takes its toll. I just never thought I would end up being the one to take on the role - or rather, my husband, as she prefers him to me. That causes stress of a different kind!

I have to admit that I dread my mother living on and on, not able to be happy, and expecting us to make up for that for her. If she lives as long as my grandma, I shall be well over 60 by then!

Having an narcissistic parent is one of the most cruel things imaginable. The mental and sometimes physical abuse is constant and done so in a way that is slow, methodical and purposeful. As I am finding out, I was programmed from the beginning to be the fixer. Hard to undo that programming. I have a nephew that I am watching the same thing happen to. Dysfunction and mental abuse is an understatement but those terms can only be acknowledged after the damage is done. The best way to describe being a child of a narcissistic parent it is like losing control of a car. You are in the car, you know what is happening, you are turning the wheel, slamming on the brakes and willing it not to happen but then 'BAM". No matter what you were trying to do in those few moments before the crash were fruitless. The grip that a narcissistic parent has on you is not unlike a cult leader. You will do anything to make them love you, acknowledge you and say they approve of you but none of those thing will ever occur because that is where the conrol lies. Escape can be just as mentally tortourious as staying becasue you are constantly worried that they cannot make it without you but what is really happing is you are still looking for something that you will never receive, and it is unconditional love from the narcissist. I am in the same situaiton but I have slowly started working to accept the fact mother will never give me what the child in me so desperatly needed. I had to look inward to accept this and outward at the love I do have from others in my life. It is hard for a child of narcissist to finally accept this but once you do, it is freeing and allows you to focus on your own life and those that really do love you.
In closing, remember, your mother will never change but you can change how she controls and affects your life. It may feel like torture but talk to someone to work through those feelings. Your heart and mind will eventually acclimate to the new, and much more postive, state of being. You will start to realize you have the power over your own life and the world looks as it did when you were a child. Full of adventure and excitement, not dread and worry.
Good luck and know others know exactly what you are going through. You are not alone.

My mom is drifting into this self-focus as she ages. I keep it in balance while she is pretty "mentally balanced" and considered "mentally competent" by having lost of time away from her to pursue other interests. I expect that as she becomes more dependent and self-focused, she will need to live with us and we will also need to hire additional help.

Mom lived with us for months when my husband retired from the military and we had moved out of state. She did not abide by our "lifestyle rules": no eating in bed (we have oh so many ants on the property looking for crumbs), daily shower and washing hair several times a week (my husband is Japanese descent and personal hygiene is a huge issue as well as mom's odor), keeping decent hours (we're morning people and mom likes to be up at all hours after midnight), and keeping her "stuff" confined to her bedroom and bonus room/sitting room (her stuff ended up in the bathroom, the patio, and threatened the living room).

We handed her a set of "house rules" and she finally decided it was time to find that condo that she promised she was going to move to ("I'll only stay for a few months until I find place"). Of course, we had to do the heavy lifting of moving her stuff into her new home. She is happier living according to her own whims, even if she and her place are a little odorous.

I often wonder how many men raised by NPD mothers can maintain any semblance of a normal relationship in a marriage?

My inlaws were divorced 20 years after we were married--and he died 17 years ago--so they'd been apart over 30 years by the time he died. To talk to her, if he can up (and he always did) she talked as if the things he had done to her had happened yesterday. The anger was just incredible and I still find it amazing how she can remember that Christmas of '83 I gave her a crappy gift. (A pair of cloisonné earrings that I would have LOVED). She made a big point of throwing them away. Ok, be that way. BTW, they cost over $200 and that was a LOT in '88.

Fear of disappointing her, hurt at never, ever being good enough and the worst thing of all--marrying me, have left her so bitter and unkind. DH has tried his best to overcome this--but he is still so deeply ingrained in his thinking that he is a piece of Sh$t---which is what she calls him, and always has. A 3 yo boy may not know much, but he knows what THAT means.

I'm married to a sad, broken man. It's hard and frustrating at times, b/c he covers his hurt with sassiness and what he thinks is 'funny'. Our kids alternately adore/can't stand him. At age 68--he's finally starting to come to an understanding that HE is not at fault for anything his mother does. He has walked away and I don't know if he'll go back. He will, to support his sweet sister, but not for his mother.

How grateful I am that none of her kids got that gene. I guess all her siblings got pretty bad before they died. We're not close, so I don't know.

I'm going to pat myself on the back b/c this has not been an easy marriage. I am committed to it, but it would be so nice if she weren't a factor at all.

I'd say he's stayed in the 'relationship' purely out of guilt, certainly not love. Maybe some obligation, but mostly guilt.

Wow ChristServant!!!......it’s 2020 and you are really going to use a racial slur! And what kind of Christian are you behaving this way? Re-read what you posted. I don’t think god is on your side here. You sure aren’t acting very Christian like right now!!

I, too, have been the caregiver from a very early age. My parents were both alcoholics. I learned early on to “not rock the boat” and how to pick up the pieces. They both died relatively young. my father at age 45-from Acute Alcoholism-and my mother at age 56 from lung cancer. They were both smokers also. My parents divorced when I was 8, and I had to be my mothers emotional support, and as her alcoholism progressed, her “manager” too, as well as that for my younger brother and my Grandmother with Alzheimer’s. That was all before age 21-while also pulling straight A’s, working and going to college. I finally hit a wall after my grandmother died, and moved 1000 miles away! Of course my mom finally hit rock bottom and by that time became physically disabled and came to live with me and my husband. No more drinking though because my husband told her, one drink and you are on a bus back to Tennessee. she never took another drink.
I have learned a lot about myself in the past 33 years and one of the things I have learned and believe is that some of us are wired to be helpers/servers and managers. If it is part of your wiring/gifting, then it is not as Taxing as when that is not your gifting. I have taken many psychological tests and always come out on that bent. the Enneagram test also has me as a “helper” gifting. I have learned though how to have boundaries. I think that is the key to losing the resentment factor. I have had to grieve the lack of parenting I had. I have learned how to say no graciously and without guilt.
Now that we are caring for my in-laws, those boundaries allow me to use my gifts of helping/serving/managing without feeling used and abused. I see my husband has other gifts. We compliment each other. So I continue to serve my in-laws-who are VERY self-centered and who were NOT there for us and our children, not to gain their love, but as an act of love for my husband.
Boundaries are key. I also believe that my faith in God and his sovereignty has helped me manage it all and put it in perspective.
Blessings on your journey! I highly recommend doing the Boundaries book, by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, and getting your therapist to help you unpack it.

I’m a Christian and was a caregiver to my grandpa (finally had to put him in a VA rest home, he’ll be 102 in December) to come home to help my mother.
I struggle every day.
Joyce Meyer isn’t always my go to preacher but she has helped me a lot to keep things in perspective. She dealt with a terrible set of parents her entire life but with the strength of Jesus she made it through.
You might YouTube some of her speakings on the topic.
If it makes you feel any better I sip vodka in the evenings.
It's not easy, but it’s temporary. Keep that in mind 🙏

I refuse to provide any form of hands on care for my abusive parents. I do handle some bookkeeping and financial planning as that is my profession.

It took years and $$$$ of therapy to realize that I am a person who deserves love and respect and a life without abuse. Providing care to an abuser is not an act of love for me, it is putting me right back in the firing line.

I met with a trusted medical provider yesterday. She knows my story, she is a friend. I broke down in tears in her office because she offers me the one thing my parents are incapable of offering, compassion and empathy.

Most posters encourage you to take care of yourself. I want to encourage you, if you aren't already doing it, get to the Dentist regularly. Get your hair cut or/and colored and your nails (mani and pedi) done regularly. Get enough sleep. If you have a significant other in your life, be sure you make time for him/her. When you go out even, to the grocery store, look in the mirror to be sure what you are wearing looks OK. Oh, and take time to exercise.

Hugs.

Hi......:)

You wrote a great story.
Can you imagine the Medical Field remotely addressing the psychological damage done to all of us on this site?

Why......was it OK for selfish, narcissistic parents to put their children through YEARS of abuse?

Why, wasn’t anyone watching?????

I lived through it.
I have been damaged in every
way possible.

My puberty, adolescence, adult life.

I have been to therapy.

The “Selfish” parents of the 1960’s damaged their children for life.

Amen.
I treated MY CHILDREN SOOOO MUCH BETTER!!!!