Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

Doesn't scripture say to love your neighbor as yourself? Doesn't that imply you are to love yourself?

Smeshque, I bet it would be worthwhile for you to explore your situation and struggles with this in depth with a pastor or counselor at church, get their feedback about it too. I don't think serving others means we have to be doormats or pretend we don't have our own valid needs. Or boundaries. For instance, I can strive to think of others above myself, but I don't think Jesus requires me to accept abuse.

It's an interesting topic, isn't it?

Hmmmm. Where in scripture does it say to put others ( not God) before yourself? And in what context?

Hillel, a contemporary of Jesus, said " If I am not for myself, who will be? " One has to protect oneself in order to be of service.

So, there are certainly places where scripture talks about putting one's self last and ministering to the needs of others. Yes, and yes.

Putting one's self first means different things to different people. To some, it's means egomanaically demanding that ALL of their needs and wants be fufilled immediately with no concern about how those demands impact others.

This is NOT what we mean on this board when we saw you need to put yourself first.

What we mean is, if you don't consider one's own NEEDS--for food, rest, privacy, a livelihood, socialization, then you become worthless as a caregiver. You run the risk of burning out, becoming seriously ill or dying. The statistics on death amongst caregivers is truly appalling. A dead caregiver does no one any good.

We don't mean ego-centrically putting ones' self first. We mean it in the sense that Maslow, the early 20th century psychologist meant it when he talked about the hierarchy of needs. If you don't take care of yourself, you will be of little good to anyone else.

Getting adequate respite from caregiving is not selfish. It allows you to do a better job.

As an analogy, we rest on the Sabbath. It allows us to perform all of our mundane tasks better during the week. Resting on the Sabbath is not "lazy". It is restorative.

One of my biggest hurdles in dealing with my narcisstic mother and sister was realizing that I needed to put God first in all. I was very busy all my life catering to both of them now its God, me then loved ones. It was a hard thing to realize. Seek His Face. I had been seeking an craving for love and affection from my mother and sister. I wont ever get that. God was always there and buffered the painful moments and it got worse and worse untill I saw the light. It came through at various times. the impact and realization was a slow build up.
Once we put God first he handles all our cares. Its the same with the stress of care giving I learned I had to stop trying to make everything right, still learning to let go and let God. I see results. Friends and all were telling me I dont let my sister do anything. I have always been the Cinderella. Cooking cleaning, solving every problem trying to make everyone happy and take away their pain. the people who care about me that way are dead and gone. God sent angels to my rescue as I learned the reality that my sister and mother were only about themselves and I was truly being used as the footstool I felt I was.

After an illness my job let me go. I had unemployemnt for a good while. And I found it hard to find a job. I persevered to no avail. My landllord sold her house I had to move back in with my mother. I helped her find this house, fix it up kept it up for years, many years, what ever was need I did. She would curse me as I cleaned and waxed floors, every event I hadto fight as I put up a tree or fixed a big dinner. I thought I was this or that. When prayed not to have to go there because things got really nasty and painful and I didnt burn the bridge but =my pride was hurt to go back into the hell hole. Here with nothing no car no job. I was treated like an outcast. so many natural rights were violated, it was very painful and ugly. My pressure stayed high and the doctors kept threatening to admit me if it didnt go down in hte offfice after a stat med.

But during that time. So many angels came into my life. I did a lot of crying, I mean crying like a baby. and praying it was during that time that I didnt want for anything I needed, I couldnt ask a thing from my mohter or sister. My sister was evening giving her cans to people in thestreet. I would go visit my son and pantry goods I had neatly placed and depended on would be thrown out. I and going on and on I can right a book. Ishare it to say when I realized all I needed was God. Singing Praise and prayers took me a long ways. Sometimes I forget but back then people would say I had a glow even in the mist of all that turmoil. Dont forget you are God's child talk to Him . I read a lot of psalm. One of my favorite pslams is the 28th because the LOrd is my strenght and my shield. I was also told to read the 37th by a lot of people . I have quite a few favorites. I think you read and find the ones that touch your heart .

Above all, I know to put God first and give it all to HIM. I do understand we need to take care of ourselves in order to be able to provide optimum care for others. Psalms 143 is my go to. My problem is myself, I haven't been blessed yet to figure out how to not feel pulled in different directions. When my Dad was alive it was easier. I did not feel guilty taking some time for myself, because they had each other. My Mom has been a caregiver since she was 15, and now she is lost not having that anymore. I feel so responsible for helping her find things she enjoys doing. Since my Dad passed, my husband and I have distance. He is good to Mom but he doesn't carry any of the weight. He doesn't seem to get it when I ask him for help. Just to sit and talk with her for a bit give me a moment to refresh. He just doesn't understand, so I am becoming rese tful of him, of which I don't want to be.Praying on the matter. So I feel stuck in the middle of them, and trying g please them, I cannot do anything I need to do to refresh. So my time is taken from sleep time, at night when everyone is asleep, I feel relief. I read,study my bible and pray, until I sleep. This is just life, we all have trials and tribulations if things were perfect we wouldn't need a Saviour, Jesus. Thank you all.May God bless

Oh I just lost my post. Keep praying. Realize that a lot of our issues are more spiritual warfare. Religion and beliefs are a deep subject. But I dont know where I would be if I did not beleive and have a relationhip with My Father In Heaven. Its awesome what I have seen him do in my life and my stuggles. I dont think it will ever be to easy for those who are good in heart and beleivers because its spiritual warfare. We have to keep praiseing and thanking God for all even the smallest blessing for the pink in the horizon. Because He is at work for us his children we get in the way sometimes. I ve heard it said when we work God rests. I lam still learning to let go, stop trying to fix things, life. Its when I am overwhelmed and helpless that I can let go and dang on if things dont take a turn. I try to stay in prayer , praise and Thank God for everything no matter how minial.
Smes, it could be a lot of reasons or issues involve with your husband not being more involved. I hope you have a breakthrough with whatever bounds are involved with that issue.
My twisted and my mother have both hated my guts and had no boundaries in letting me know it. To this day I cant figure it out and I subconciously ignored what they had been telling me all along.

This caregiving is a tremendous load, its hard to watch a loved one deteriorate no matter what the history. I had to stop back and let God work. It was the only way to keep my sanity. Its okay for us to take a break and nuture ourselves and build on the love out side of lthe person we take care of.

DDDuck I love your last post

People have their own idea of what is moral, scriptural, etc., but, to me, I feel that God provides us with resources and intelligence. We are able to access when additional care for a loved one is needed, by assessing the situation.

There are places who are equipped to handle care....sometimes, much better than a sole family member in the home, because they have shifts of staff, proper equipment, on site care, etc. There are also others who can come into the home to help with care. I think we may need to consider if we are actually putting the loved one's needs first and not our own desires to care. And if I'm struggling with feeling overwhelmed, feel guilt for no apparent reason, am incredibly sad or depressed......I'd try to resolve that by being more pragmatic about the reasons why and how I might correct it.

I love the Bible and I do follow it but I don’t agree with your assessment is correct. The scriptures about putting “others needs ahead of our own”....empathy... is to help us appreciate others may be in need of our help and not to be overly self absorbed in our own needs and concerns, like similar scriptures in the Bible. In a society that has individuals that make decisions at the expense of others lives...their families, their clients, etc... a collective lack of empathy can open the way to horrible situations.

That said, the Bible does not indicate that you run yourself into the ground for every need there is for the same Word states “let your yes mean yes and your No..No.” so there are situations that call for a no...but the only person that can assess that would be you, since you are in this situation.

We should appreciate the need for balance- that we do what we can, but we have limitations- as you had mentioned. Accept your fence and say “no” to those situations that put you and your health at risk.

Smeshque, as a bible believer, I realize the whole bible is good, II Timothy 3:16, but I get my strength best from Paul's epistles, where he tells us as believers that he is our pattern (I Timothy 1:16) as he followed Christ, and it was the risen Christ who taught him. Best reminders to set me straight are I Thessalonians 5:16-18: Rejoice evermore, pray without ceasing, and in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Jesus Christ concerning you. Wow, everything?? That's what the verse says. It's extremely hard some days to block out the "course of this world," Ephesians 2:2. Even though my load has lightened regarding mom's care, I still get angry, depressed and frustrated with the responsibility. My favorite book is Ephesians, so much good stuff there. You find out if you're in Christ, you're accepted in the beloved, 1:6, and already seated in heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 2:6. Hopefully, you're able to get some solace in your local church, but I encourage you to check out graceambassadors.com. Great verse by verse studies, Sunday lessons and outlines to print out and follow along there. They are a very down-to-earth group of bible believers.

smeshque, I think your relationship with your husband comes first. What good will you be if you are resenting your husband because he doesn't feel the sense of urgency you feel? God first, spouse second, then others. Also there is nothing in scripture that says we are responsible for helping others find things that are enjoyable to them (your mother.) That is on them. If YOU are to put others first, are they not also to put YOU first? As Christians, we so often are heading toward being martyrs as we take on every responsibility, always thinking we are putting others first and we THINK we are told to do. Even with Mary and Martha, Jesus taught that sitting at his feet and learning was more important than all the tasks Martha felt she had to complete. We also worry about what others think. As long as your mother is housed, clothed, fed and visited with a couple of times a week, the rest is on her. Let HER lean on God for the other things she needs. You don't need to be her personal jesus, so to speak. Let Him do what He does best! Wishing you many blessings as you navigate caregiving. :-) (I hope this didn't sound harsh. Not my intent)

I noticed you wrote this "I feel so responsible for helping her find things she enjoys doing". Basically you want deeply for her to be happy but you are NOT responsible for her happiness. That is internal not external. She is in the last of her life and has faced many losses. Yes...how we wish they could be happy, but that is unrealistic to think you are responsible. A wise person once told me in a book I read when I began my caregiving journey that I’m responsible to my parent but not for them. Does that make sense? It really helped set my priorities straight. A good book called Boundaries that our Stephen Ministry book read uses scripture it is by Henry Cloud. Another book we used was Christian Caregiving, a Way of Life by Kenneth Haugk. I think you’d find both of these useful from a Christian perspective. A friend who also cares for her mother told me she holds her plans loosely before God....and then let’s God handle the outcome. In other words don’t be so attached to how you want it to be. That was helpful to me as well. Bless you on your journey but do know that God doesn’t want any of us to be a doormat. Even Jesus stood up for himself to get away fro. The crowds when he was overwhelmed. You do your best accordingly and "live I to your values" as my therapist said. Find someone to talk to that can help you with your feelings. And I hope you will check out those books I suggested.

Google "Caring for others" for scripture related to this topic. There is a wealth of information. I have not read all of it, but so far, I see nothing that says not to physically take care of yourself first. Please correct me if I am wrong. My Mother always said that if you can't figure something out, go to the INSTRUCTION book.

BarbBrooklyn, that is a very nice explanation of put yourself first!

It's important to put oil in your lamp first, so to speak. It's hard somedays to feel like you're doing right by everybody including yourself. But I've learned how important it is to take care of myself. I too am a person of faith. When I took on the care of my elderly mother with advanced Alzheimer's I also had 3 kids (one with a learning disability that makes school a challenge), a full time job, a husband, a home, and an elderly father with Parkinsons. I had many nights of being awake at 2am crying on the couch and praying that I just couldn't do it all. One night in prayer, I had the clearest answer to prayer I've ever had. I felt the Lord very clearly telling me that I didn't have to do it all. He did not expect me to have the capacity to make everything all better for everyone. Certainly, I could have compassion and understanding for those in need around me, but I would have to do so within my mortal limits, and that means taking time for myself to rest up, renew, and find joy in the day to day.

Here's a great quote I love from a faithful servant of the Lord, Jeffrey R Holland, in a talk he gave called "Like a Broken Vessel:" If you are the one afflicted or a caregiver to such, try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task. Don’t assume you can fix everything, . . . Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait. Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education. For caregivers, in your devoted effort to assist with another’s health, do not destroy your own. In all these things be wise. Do not run faster than you have strength."

There's great advice from everyone here. Remember you are a child of God, and He loves you. Take care of yourself!

I understand exactly where you are. Honor your Father and Mother. We as Christians may not like the job, but we are expected by God to take care of them. There is nothing wrong with getting the help you need however. You are still taking care of their needs. We live is a self satisfying world. God told us in the scriptures it would be like this. We however, can not fall into the same thinking. KEEP PRAYING God will help you.

DDDuck , what you said touched my heart about talking to G-d from the heart and saying psalms. I love psalm 20, 27, and 121.

My daughter was troubled by this question, scripture encourages self sacrifice but her instinct is to say I’m sorry, no, I can’t do that.

She talked to every older lady at her church, ladies that have lived the Christian life for many years. ALL of the ladies advised her to set limits, do what you can to help but DO NOT move in with the needy person and keep your own life going.

Sounds familiar? It’s healthy common sense. God does not want his children to be doormats.

Hi smeshque. I do understand since I've been there. Prayer is the answer. Once you pray leave it with God also begin to ask God to show you the sipiritual side of what you going through. The bible let's us know that we are to
walk by faith and not by sight. Frustration comes so does our patience wearing thin. ...but believe in the God of your prayers, trust that HE hears and knows all. He knows the plans (thoughts) He has for you they are not of evil but are of peace to give you an expected end. Be encouraged. Prayer coupled with fasting is awesome.
Btw I've been taking care of my mom for 5 years this July by myself naturally and God's grace has been very sufficient for me. It has been very hard MANY times mostly when I take my eyes off God's plan. Do you have any help or respite care?

As I was contemplating moving my mom to AL I wonder how this lined up with scripture. When I felt I could do no more for her, I wondered if I should sacrifice all for her including my family. I asked myself over and over how I could honor her, yet go so far against her wishes. I prayed and prayed, but told no one these feelings or questions. It was too painful to even talk of it to my family, even though we discussed the AL plan. I never mentioned my spiritual battle to anyone. One day out of the blue my pastor contacted me. I don't know him well as he was new to our church. He said, "I am praying for you as you make decisions for your mom and honor her by making sure she will be taken care of." It was what I needed.

Someone suggested talking with your pastor. Men and women who serve in this capacity know exactly what it’s like to be needed by so many in their congregation and have been taught ways to take care of themselves so they can avoid burnout and take care of others. So I think he or she would have good insight into this question you are asking.

Smeshque, you mentioned about that you would like for your husband to talk to your mom a bit so you can refresh. Sorry he doesnt understand. May G-d help him to understand. Dont hold in your feelings until you explode. Nicely, tell your husband how you feel. - All the best

My dear Sister in Christ, I have complete empathy for your struggles, it is not easy being a caregiver or a Christian in this day and age.

Can you please tell us if your mom and husband are believers?

From your post, I think I know but, would like confirmation.

May God tuck you under his wing of protection and give you peace and rest.

Great topic and obviously one of interest to many. I have done lots of struggling also. My wife of 33 years who is only 56 had a couple strokes from 2015 forward. Left her 10% at best of who she was. I've cared for her the last 2 + years and am now at the edge of putting her in assisted living. I have struggled mightily with this decision. How in the world as a Christian can I give up on her? But I'm just not sure I can handle it mentally and physically any longer. I am all alone in this. No help anywhere. She can't communicate either. Not verbally that most people can understand. I get 10% of what she says. But she knows what's going n and cries profusely and just 45 minutes ago when I left for work was begging me not to go that she would do whatever and it will be ok... at least that's the basics of what I surmised. Sobbing etc. How do I give up on her? ugh... by dear Lord, I want to live some. I want to be able to get a little exercise, have a vacation, go back to church, see more family etc. I'm just 53. Will I stand before the Lord one day and He ask me why I left her to go enjoy the rest of my life? I struggle with that every day and every hour of each day. I hear you. This ain't easy.

I have lived a very blessed life and I am being taught things. I guess I haven't learned them yet because I'm still facing these things. These struggles shape our character, There's an awesome book "The purpose driven life" by Rick Warren. Amazing book I'm on my second time through. There's a chapter about halfway through that I recently read multiple times as it talks about how things we go through in life shape our character. How God teaches us the most through difficult times.

I pray every night for guidance and patience and my sanity.

If you don't take care of you, there will be no one to take care of your loved one. This is why caregivers often depart before the patient.

I don't know who told you to put yourself last - but I bet the person is NOT a caregiver.

Great question with no easy answer. Personally, I believe God has a life plan/purpose for each one of us and that we are obligated as part of our destiny to listen for that guidance and honor it. In other words God has a plan for you and a separate plan for your mother. If you get quiet and alone, and release all of the "shoulds" and "can't dos" from your thought process, you will get your answer. If you truly believe part of God's life plan for you is to care for you mom as part of your journey, fine. If when you get quiet you instinctively know God is wanting you to be doing something else, then that's what you do. Whatever we think we should be doing may not be the same as what God wants you doing. And surprisingly what God wants for you may not be the most painful and "sacrificial." Try this, thinking only of God's message and not the "shoulds" and see if this gives you any clarity.

The question of how much and what does any one life owe another life in "caregiving" services is one of the most significant issues. So many struggle with how to cope guilt, frustration anger depression when being dealt the role of caregiver . The caregiver most likely is a spouse, parent or child of the one who needs care. the caregiving could be simple or it could consume and control the life of the caregiver . For some it is out of legality as in most spouses or children of the elderly , others due to lack of financial assets for alternative care
This site offers us all the opportunity to explore and share options for coping as the caregivers . Please do not hesitate to share ideas as burnout is a reality for so many as you read these pages including my own

Smeshque,
Take a plane flight on your next vacay.

Listen carefully when they explain over the intercom:
"If there is a loss in cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will drop down."
"Put your oxygen mask on first before putting it on your children"
This is because of the concept of one cannot help someone else if they don't help themselves first.

Since there were no planes in the time that Jesus walked the earth (what I believe)
I just could not take the time to find scripture right now, and the oxygen mask was all I got.

How about: Jesus slept.

First, I would have to look at the Scripture you appear to be quoting and the context. Sometimes we tend to confuse what Scripture is saying. If we look at Mark 12:29-30 ESV, in answer to the question: “‘Which commandment is the most important of all?’” Jesus responds: “‘The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.’”

Christians are to love others, because God loves us. There’s no greater or better love than His. 1 John 4:19 KJV states: “We love him, because he first loved us.” A quote from notes on 1 Jn. 4:19 found in the ESV Study Bible reads: “‘We love because.’ Christian love is a gift from God, demonstrated supremely in the cross (see Rom. 5:8). God’s love always takes the initiative, and the love of Christians is a response to that love. Likewise, all morally good human actions are good not because they conform to some arbitrary human standard of good but because they are rooted in imitation of the morally perfect character of God and conform to God’s commands.”

Throughout Scripture, a believer is taught to love others because we have been so very loved by our Savior. Does this mean that we love others more than God? No, we must love God first and primarily. I often think of the example of 2 dear sisters in the New Testament: Mary and Martha. Their stories are told in Luke 10 and Mark 11. Martha was a “doer” (like most caregivers). What she had to learn (and what I had to learn) was that the most important thing was to sit at Jesus’ feet. Jesus said these words to Martha about Mary, “[she] hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.” Mary longed to learn more about her Savior, and this is what every believer needs to long for. Once we are able to sit at the Master’s feet, we can then find the strength and wisdom to do the tasks He has for us.

(I must add: sitting at Jesus' feet is not an all day event. There may be times in our lives when we can devote an extra amount of time to read, study God's Word, and pray. For the most part, we may only have a few minutes in a day to "get away with God." We can still ponder a verse throughout our day, pray as we work, and keep in an attitude of fellowship with our Savior.)

My favorite part in Martha’s story is how she went to meet Jesus after the death of her brother, Lazarus. You can read about this in John 11. Jesus did not rebuke her for coming. To me it’s a beautiful picture of Martha saying, “I know who You are. I know you could have kept my brother from dying.” Martha was growing in her knowledge of her Savior. And when Jesus visited her home shortly before His death, guess who served Him? John 12:1-2, “Then Jesus six days before the passover came to Bethany, where Lazarus was which had been dead, whom he raised from the dead. There they made him a supper; and Martha served: but Lazarus was one of them that sat at the table with him.” Jesus doesn’t rebuke Martha for serving, and I think that she was doing it out of a heart of gratitude because she had been growing in her love for God.

So while Christians are to love God first and demonstrate their love for Him by the way they lovingly serve others, we’re also given wonderful examples of non-selfish “self-care” (as some may call it). Look at the example of Jesus (God in the flesh). Numerous times in His earthly ministry, we see Him getting away from the crowds and finding renewal and refreshment for Himself (and for those in His close circle, His disciples). Matthew 14:23, “ And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone.” Mark 6:31-32, “And he said to them, ‘Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.’ For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. And they went away in the boat to a desolate place by themselves.” Throughout the New Testament, we see times when Jesus went away from the crowds. It is OK for us to get quiet times for ourselves. It is even necessary.

If we look even closer to Jesus’ ministry, we see early on that He chose 12 men to become His disciples. Men He could train and send out to do the work that He wasn’t able to do alone. While this may seem difficult to understand why God would need men to come alongside to help in His ministry, it is a sweet example to us that we also need others to come alongside us and help us do the job God has for us. You may not always have people who will willingly come to your aid, but you always have a God who cares and you can always go to Him through prayer and ask for His help (see Matthew 11:28). It may be that He’ll show you that it’s time to allow professionals to take on some of the care load for your loved one. I personally struggled with this, since my desire was to have my parents move in with me so I could care for them. God made it clear during their long illnesses, that He had not gifted me, nor called me to do this. I still had teenagers at home (one I was home-schooling), and the house we lived in was not conducive to care-giving: no full bath in the split-level downstairs and too many stairs for a mom with Parkinson’s and a dad whose cancer spread into his hip bone.

My prayer as a care-giver was often, “Lord, give me wisdom! You promised that ‘If [I] lack wisdom, [I can] ask of [You to give me this wisdom, because You promised] that [You would give it] to all men liberally’” (James 1:5). I cannot tell you how many times God made the path clear when I sought His wisdom.

Care-giving is not easy. Everyone must learn God’s wisdom in how to balance the care for others and for themselves. Asking for help is necessary: first ask God, then ask others. If people refuse, then don’t give up. Perhaps there are others who will see the need to come alongside you and assist with your needs. It may also be that God is showing you that it’s time to let professionals care for your loved ones. We cannot allow unnecessary guilt cloud our decision-making process. It’s easy to put guilt on ourselves by trying to please others. The only One I answer to is my Savior, and He’s far more compassionate and caring than any human being. I had to learn this, it was a process. Like Martha, I wanted to please people. Like Martha, I had to learn to take time with the Lord and learn to please Him. He is all that truly matters.

I would suggest that you find a godly friend, older woman, pastor, or counselor who can help you see what is most important in your “ministry” of care-giving. They may help you to find the balance that you need as you go this difficult path. Remember that in the end, the only One you need to hear a “Well done” from is your Lord (see Matt. 25:21).