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I think it is very healthy to be able to verbalize honestly our true feelings on a website like this. Our feelings and thoughts are what they are. To pretend to ourselves otherwise opens us up to mental illness. Besides, God knows how I feel. I can and must pretend with a vulnerable adult but not to myself or trusted others. When it got to the point that I had compassion fatigue, and felt a numbness or unwillingness to care for my parents, I asked God to give me the willingness and power to do what had to be done. My siblings and I took care of them for many years until it got too difficult. They are now both in a nursing home and I visit them every other day for a couple of hours. Even though most of the hands on caregiving has been lifted, I still rely on God’s grace because by nature, you see, I don’t think I am a kind person. I am pretty self-centered. Any loving kindness my parents and others saw and presently see in me is purely through the grace of God. I’m not saying that my heart isn’t lifted sometimes when I am with them, but it doesn’t happen often.
With that said, be aware that those thoughts could also be telling you to explore other options. I think when those negative thoughts of “when will it end” or what is worse, self- destructive thoughts in order to escape the situation (that popped into my head a couple of times), occur too often, we need to listen and take action.
The caregiving had become simply an instinctive sense of duty for me. There was no one else to deal with it. I totally accept that and have 0 guilt about it. This may sound insensitive but it’s like you’ve got the worst job in the world but youre expected to love this job and be the model of kindness and compassion.
In the real world it wears you down. We’re not machines. I’m glad we can be honest about it here.