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It was through this message board that I learned Assisted Living can mean many things. Some will charge you a gazillion dollars and then charge extra for toilet paper! The thing is, supposedly this place is where she wants to go, but she's been balking about the cost for eons. The price really may not be an issue - yes, their up front cost is twice as high, but it depends upon what it includes. Other companies may say they charge less, but then they nickel and dime you to death. Ultimately, it depends on her wants and needs. Call me crazy, but if a company touts itself as special and charges twice as much as other local services do, then I expect special service. Long story short the CEO finally did call and hung up on me.
Before she even came into my life, I read stories about "old folks" essentially living on cruise ships. I thought that was nutty but now, not so much.
texakana - her son is my sister's bf. He is local. He makes sure she gets to her doctor appointments, but not much else. Her daughter lives in Florida. She gets to be the good guy because she doesn't have to deal with the day-to-day things. Oh! They talk on the phone when Dancing with the Stars comes on! When she was in Florida (near the daughter), daughter's husband (we're talking about people in their 60s) put up quite a fuss because his dinner was not on time.
I am part of this because she asked me to be. I am not a masochist.
It's nice that you called around, but unless she wants to actually go there, and with her son or daughter who can answer financial questions and SIGN the admissions forms (very significant) not much can be done.
You said the son can't be bothered with help out, yet he will take time to take his mother to doctor appointments and do her shopping. Are these complaints coming from your friend about her son? As are the complaints about her daughter's husband? What more does she want her son and daughter to do?
I have to say, I'm more than a wee bit over-protective of her just for starters. In my wee head, if a company wants to charge twice or more, than ALL of their people should be avaialable. Let's put it into real estate terms...if I buy a condo/apartment that's just okay, then no worries. If, however, I buy a 1 or 2 bedroom unit at the NYC Plaza Hotel, then, yes, I expect not just full service but exceptional service.
That particular facility gets to brag about being the only game in town for Orthodox Jews. All well and good; however, if they want to charge over twice the local going rate, then I expect better service and not just because they keep a Kosher menu (it's really not that hard). Still, I certainly don't expect the CEO to hang up on me. Don't worry - I'm over it. He's just a jack a** and, as you pointed out, I should've asked to speak to the staff.
Wee bit over-protective? Let's say you are helicopter over-protective. Let your friend or her son do the calling, NOT you. One has to be careful not to have damaged any chance of a friend getting into the place depending on what type of conversation one had with the staff and the CEO.
You really need to let it go regarding the cost of this facility.
Her current lease doesn't end until next May. Her health is failing and I (and maybe I'm just being selfish here) I would feel better if she took this time to look more carefully into the establishments she is interested in.
I have to admit...I rather wigged out after reading a post where it said some Assisted Living homes don't allow microwaves or toaster ovens. She currently can manage her own breakfast and lunch, but needs her son to manage dinner, since her last debacle. It used to be that she could manage by herself for many days and now that is not the case.
If she is to go into Assisted Living, that means she can toast a bagel or make toast if she wants to and clearly this is not the case in some places. So I pointed this out and just asked her to call around to make sure the places she was interested in would allow that.
Her son does everything that should be done "on paperwork." He rarely, if ever, takes her to do anything fun. I did that, but now my ankle is broken and can't manage it.
Her daughter will stay on the phone with her and watch "Dancing with the Stars" once a week, but when my elderly friend was stuck down there, the daughter's hubby got his panties in a knot because his dinner wasn't on time because, God forbid, she went and visited her mom at the rehab center.
The elder while waiting for something to cook in the toaster oven could easily doze off, then off goes the fire alarms and sprinklers, then a mad rush for everyone to empty the building. Imagine the panic and older people trying to get outside, people could get seriously injured. Not worth the risk, no matter how careful your friend would be, the person in the next apartment might not be as careful.
You should be able to get your questions answered by going in and talking to the appropriate people. (Those who actually have some hands-on knowledge of how the facility is run.)
You are wise to be getting a detailed view of the financial aspect. The base cost and the final cost could be far apart, and you need to know that when discussing it with your friend.
I think an elderly person would generally be better off in a place that could meet all her dietary needs than in a place where she feels she would have to do cooking in her own room. A microwave? Maybe. A toaster oven? -- That really doesn't sound too safe, does it? A potholder left too close to the heat source could put other residents at risk. Many care centers to not allow appliances that create heat, for safety reasons.
You are doing a wonderful thing for your friend by doing this research. I hope she appreciates it!
My concern is that she is able to handle a toaster oven for now, but it seems some Assisted Living places do not allow that - so that will be quite a shocker for her - and then it means she will have to move yet again into a nursing home (or whatever the places call where they cook your food). The moving is my worry. She did not do well the last time.
An example. Some independent living facilities include three meals a day. Some don't. Different prices for different service. Some Assisted Living places included Medication Management as part of their base price, in others, it's an add on, dependent upon how many times a day you needs your meds dispensed. You need to look at the printed materials and talk to the right staff to make sure you are comparing apples to apples. And I agree with Pam, she's using the toaster oven as a way of avoiding the conversation.
I do realize to some elders such things as toast is a make or break deal. I've seen such commotion when dealing with my own parents. My Mom grumbles if a doctor's waiting room doesn't have a coat rack.... [sigh].
Hmmm...well I would, wouldn't you? If you're paying over 5k a month and that doesn't count how they nickel and dime you for other things...don't you think that if you could use a toaster oven that you'd be allowed? That's why I got my panties in a knot. She has her wits about her. She has mobility issues but is perfectly capable of using a toaster oven. Yet, if she chose this facility's "Assisted Living" option, even that would have been stripped of her. Over 5k a month and that doesn't count laundry and in some places not even toilet paper? How crazy is that?
She had planned to visit another, yet non-kosher but chi-chi facility today, but balked at it once she got their tons of brochures, etc. She is safe, but lonely right now. Even their lowest priced level...for her to participate in their activities said she would have to stand for an hour and manage to get up and down steps by herself - again, for well over 5k and that doesn't count laundry.
Don't mind me. I'm just venting. It was a hard "go" dealing with both my parents' deterioration who in any of our wildest dreams could afford these supposed luxury places. Thanks to all of you, we now know not to assume anything - not even if toilet paper is included in these astronomical prices that most can't afford.
I feel the same way in a car dealer's showroom waiting for my car to be servicded. OMG -- this car costs double what I paid for my first house!!
$5,000 a month and that doesn't even include toilet paper? $5,400 a month and I can't use a toaster oven?!! Yep. Sticker shock.
You are doing your friend an enormous favor by helping her with this research and educating her (and you) about what the market is like.
Maybe for now she could meet her needs in place with some additional in-home help and by looking up clubs and organizations where she could participate in activities with others in her age bracket.
When she does get to the point where she really does need one of these facilities perhaps by then the sticker shock will have worn off some and she can get past the price in thinking about them.
(And, although I know your question was rhetorical, I won't pass up a deluxe place (if I could afford it) just because I couldn't have a toaster oven in my room.)
Otherwise, you could probably find a much cheaper facility for your friend that does allow toaster ovens or microwaves in the resident's room, but the overall housekeeping of the whole building or the individual care could be sub-par. What is more important?