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"Broawk!!" it screams. "Don't do it!!!! Trust me, you'll NEVER live it down!!!"
Saw this on FB and it made me giggle...cuz the little girl in me that used to love to play in the tub is still there...and after half a bottle of wine the grown up me would SO do this!
"Taking a bath while drunk is fun. It makes me feel like I'm a pirate sailing the high seas. And nobody f***s with pirates....
...NObody."
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An elderly couple died in an unfortunate accident, but found themselves suddenly in heaven. They met Saint Peter, who began giving them a tour.
"Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts. The swimming pool is that way, and you'll find four golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area and an angel will be glad to mix your favorite cocktail."
"Jeez Gertrude," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't forced me to stop smoking, and made us eat all that oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat food!"
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So here's to living for today, loving life today, and eating Haagen-Dazs in this heat wave! I live in Chicago and our hot weather is, thankfully, supposed to be breaking tonight.
Can (90+ heat) + (70+ humidity) + (hot flash) = spontaneous combustion?
A man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."
He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?"
Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question.
Still no reply, so he moved to five feet.
Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"
She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old goat!
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over
inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go
anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of
course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and
squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over
the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around
REMOTE CONTROL - female ! .... Ha! You thought I'd
say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd
be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the
right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
She is the worlds cutest BRAT!
Amazing Caramel Sauce
Alright everyone, this recipe is too good to keep to myself!
I love a tablespoon of this added to my coffee and nothing more,
or on ice cream, or for dipping apples, the possibliites are endless!
Anyone can make this: Recipe yields 1 1/2 cups (although I usually double it but its just as easy to only make a half batch)
1 cup packed brown suger (I use light brown or golden)
1/2 cup heavy cream
4 tablespoons butter
Pinch of sea salt
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
Melt butter in pot, mix in brown sugar, cream and salt.
Cook over medium-low heat and whisk gently
for about 7 minutes or longer if you doubled.
I remove the pot from the heat, add vanilla and return to
cook for another minute or so to thicken a bit more.
Take it off the stove and pour into a jar then pop it into the
fridge and VOILA you're done!
Definitely gonna freeze some coffee cubes tomorrow. That's BRILLIANT!
Ya ya, you are so funny, and I agree about it being a bit depressing here lately. That's why I pulled up this old thread. We need to escape for a bit, not drown.
Juju...you know how to EAT! I'm drooling here.
Cappy.........you are a treasure to your mom....... and us!
We are getting a steady ,drenching rain here. As a gardener I am loving it! Mom has plans with sis tomorrow......looking like a good weekend for me!
Boni - i'm cracking open a root beer. Even if I had a real beer right now I think I'd pass on it cuz I'm so damn tired I'd probably pass out half way through it...and that would be a terrible waste of a good beer. We need a laugh right? So here's a funny celebrity anecdote....while attending a big Hollywood bash actor Jack Nicholson was approached by an attractive young woman and asked if he'd like to dance. In typical "Jack" fashion his eyes slowly traveled down the full length of her no doubt voluptuous body, then back up again, and after taking her all in he locked eyes with her and replied in that dripping sarcastic tone he's so famous for... "Wrong verb."
Speaking of Jack Nicholson, I recently watched "Cuckoo's Nest" again....great movie....and it suddenly occurred to me that the Nurse Ratched character kind've reminded me of someone....hmmmmm.
captain get your rest, but it's still 5 pm somewhere
She tells the doc, I have been passing silent gas at an alarming rate.
In the grocery store, in church, at home, everywhere doc, Silent gas!!!
As a matter of fact doc I have passed silent gas as I sit here, several times.
the doc looks at her, pauses, contemplates the situation and begins...the first thing we will do is.....get your hearing aids adjusted!