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There aren’t enough words to describe what you are going through. I feel your pain.
It does seem like it will never end while we are going through our stint in caregiving.
I look back on my time in caregiving and wonder how I got through it without totally losing my freaking mind.
Sending many hugs your way today.
I am waiting for something to finally happen and it never does. I really can't take it anymore.
I get it.
Im suppose to read it but haven’t got it on Audible which is the only way I’m ever able to read anything more than golden nuggets messages on these forums. I wish we knew how to age gracefully . Even the most disturbed of us when we get to that point of no return. It might be in those pages.
From tiredsister:
I am reading "Being Mortal" right now.
So far, Dr. Gawande sure knows how to describe our failure to provide real care to our elders (from the elder's perspective) in our caregiving institutions, and explains the evolution of how current practices came to be.
I'm really hoping he will reveal some workable solutions too...some light at the end of this dark tunnel.
My mom is so abusive. I have bare minimum contact.
I wish her to die, because she’s so cruel.
How someone who has smoked 60 years, has PVCs, blood pressure all over the place, and wheezes when she breathes can survive a 6 hour surgery is beyond me.
Meanwhile, my own dr is telling me I need counseling and possibly meds to deal with my stress before it affects my health conditions.
My default is to do the right thing, to follow up on all her medical needs. But man, I really can’t do this another 10 years.
I’ve taken such good care of her, that I’ve prolonged the life of my abuser. I’ve prolonged the number of years I’ve been abused. It’s like extending the life of your torturer.
Today I was in a very cheerful mood. Something good happened to me today.
I then spoke to the caregiver on Zoom video about some changes we need to make, but unfortunately my mom could see me too. My mom could see me smiling from ear to ear. So of course, she increased her insults x 1,000.
I was no longer smiling from ear to ear.
I have also sometimes wished someone to die, because of their appalling behavior.
I know somewhere way down towards the first post I added my 2 cents worth. My MIL is in Hospice care but is flourishing, she could probably graduate out of Hospice Care. Imminent death has passed and she really is OK. The kids are still doing 24/7 shifts rotating through the weeks. DH states that this is the way it will be until she dies. It could be a year, even.
We're heading into month 6 of 24/7 care from her 3 kids. My DH is the middle 'kid'. Everything he does or doesn't do is tainted by her overarching needs.
I have no idea how she got these 3 intelligent people to crawl and squirm for her. It's long since passed 'annoying' and has become "INSANE". No other words for it.
I pray daily that she can die, not in pain and agony, just GO.
Our lives are entwined with hers. I get advice to ignore her, ignore the situation, ignore my DH and his craziness over his mom--but it's affecting me seriously.
I'm BACK into therapy. Taking MORE beta blockers and am looking down the barrel of another cardiac ablation b/c my SVT is back---I think I might die before she does.
EVERYTHING is about her. Making her happy, keeping her comfortable. Making sure she has everything she wants and needs.
She's beyond thrillled b/c she has her 'kids' back home and it's just the way she wants it.
Heartbreaking
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) to all of you
and myself as well.
being ignored and invalidated and abused and then expecting the person you did that to to take care of you?
and we do it anyway.
Why? idk
and Hot, we are now part of the club of daughters who have mom’s with better health than us because of us. Let’s laugh for half a minute about the irony. I hope you a good day.
I get it. You are not alone.
Peace to you.
I know it’s hard. Peace to you too.
She is the sweetest that's why I feel sooo guilty for being so tired of it all.
She's not mean in the slightest. She's not demanding.
Waiting to cringe today.
( How do I reply to you, when you reply to my original post? I do not see a reply button there.)
Please, be my sister. Mine are useless.
I can not even talk freely to them like I have here.
Now I’m thinking, how lucky her mean mom died fast. My friend is free from any abuse. She also stopped having nightmares. Turns out it was all connected to her mean mom. And she started living with joy.
Someone on the internet wrote this: “I'm glad my mother is dead. This is the only place I can say that and have people understand.
She is gone, and will never again hurt me or anyone I love, and the world has become a kinder place. She did not get better as she got older, but was less able to keep the mask in place, so more and more people saw the abyss of nastiness within her.”
Someone else wrote: “I'm with you. My narc parents are dead now. I was absolutely not sorry to see them go and felt a great weight lifting. My narc older sister is still alive but she's doing her best to kill herself by not taking care of herself, so maybe I'll get rid of her too, soon. I absolutely understand. After a certain point of hideous brutality and destruction of body and soul, after betrayals so horrible you want to kill yourself over them...folks, some people need to be dead. I was related to three of them. Now there's just one, and that's a definite improvement.”
Someone else: “You wouldn't want this if she didn't deserve it.”
I would never do it. But it’s the first time ever I had that thought. She’s just so mean.
My crazy Mom. My mean Mom. How nice my life would be without her in my life. I mean really, really without her. No flying monkeys, no abuse…
It would be heaven. I think I’d start smiling again. I would breathe better. I would celebrate finally being free from abuse.
How I wish I would never have contact again.
"I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well."
You feel what you feel.
Feelings in families develop throughout a lifetime.
Not just now, when a mother is at the end of her life.
You are wounded.
If you want peace within yourself, you have to learn to let a part of YOU inside YOU to support YOU as a healthy mother would have. We all have many parts inside. One part is our own understanding of a compassionate healing mother.
We change how we feel when we honor our feelings. This is when they transform / 'process' through them.
"Wishing' you mom well through compassion for how she was / is - will serve you - for the rest of your life. You do not have to hold on to resentment and anger. Learn to process through it - to let it go. It is the process of learning how to love yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
But what about those long progressive disease with no hope and everything is getting worse, slow and then like run away train. And co- morbidities appear and the pain and decline.
And everything is getting worse weekly, daily even.
And suffering they are going to face as there is no hope.
If illnesses, disease, pain & disability are present & unable to be removed - have become intolerable, no quality of life left, well, I wouldn't say I wish them to die.. but I would rephrase & have no qualms saying "I hope their suffering can end soon".
Good for you.
BurntCaregiver 7/27/23
There is nothing wrong with wanting a burdensome situation to end so that you may have peace. 💜
Why?
I'm sorry, but it seems more merciful to die quickly of a stroke, or heart attack, than to suffer the long downward slide of dementia. I don't feel wrong for wishing for that, but medical practitioners seem determined to keep my sister alive for as long as possible. Why?