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Mom was driving herself to ill health trying to solve all his problems and keep him alive. Mainly because they were barely eking out on 2 Social Security incomes and she knew when he died she would be in bad financial straits. And I do think she still loved him in spite of it all.
So when he died I was relieved, now I could go in and deal with all the financial issues, straighten out the money, sell the house, and get Mom into a comfortable AL facility where she could relax and enjoy life again.
We hear various stories from people who’ve shared their experiences with caring for an elderly family member.
I am going to share something that some people may find odd. It’s okay if you do. I may be a work in progress but I certainly hope that I have grown enough to be capable of accepting any criticism.
Several years back when my daughter was in college she rescued the most adorable 5 year old toy poodle. He had been abused and surrendered. He was skittish around everyone but he instantly took to my daughter.
I told my daughter that I thought he had picked her out to be his new owner. She loved him to pieces. He was with her in her apartment throughout her college years and awhile afterwards.
He had a hip injury that the vet said were from the physical abuse, most likely from someone throwing him or hitting him.
Later on he developed Cushing’s disease and it was managed with medication. As he grew older it became more difficult to treat and she took him to the vet to seek advice.
Her vet said something to her that she found very helpful in dealing with her emotions.
The vet is a friend of the family. Our kids grew up together. His daughters went to LSU for college too. He knows my daughter well and knew how much she loved her dog.
She was crying in his office and asked him what else could he possibly do for her dog.
He told her that it was time for her dog to be euthanized. She was hesitant at first to accept that he should be euthanized.
Her vet told her, “Don’t wait until you resent your dog to make the decision to euthanize your dog.
I have pet owners who come in my office, they have loved their dogs for years but when they grow old and have accidents in the house so often they don’t know how to handle it.
They say to me, “I hate my dog. Kill it, so I won’t have to deal with them anymore!”
I know that they don’t really hate their dogs. They’re tired and frustrated and hate seeing their dogs suffer.”
My daughter consented to having her dog euthanized because she never wanted to hate her dog’s behavior that badly that she would begin to resent or hate him.
He had been having frequent accidents and was beginning to suffer more with his Cushing’s disease.
I never shared with my daughter that many people feel this way about the elderly people in their lives that they are caring for.
I didn’t want her to think that I was comparing her grandmother to a dog! Although, her dogs are like her children. Now, she has a beautiful Siberian Husky.
It’s so hard to watch our family members suffer. It’s so hard to go through caregiving whether we love them or not.
I am not comparing people to animals. I’m comparing our emotions that are involved. At least for those of us who are animal lovers, I hope that you understand my sentiment.
Watching someone’s life fade to where a person can’t function anymore is incredibly sad. We don’t euthanize people but we can enlist the support from hospice to aid in keeping them comfortable.
Many people are relieved after their family member dies because they are no longer suffering. We grieve and in time the pain lessens.
I don’t think we should wait until the last minute to bring in hospice. Plus, hospice can play an important role in helping people accept death, just like our vet helped my daughter accept that her precious dog deserved to die being loved. She found peace knowing that she was doing the right thing.
We also shouldn’t wait until we are desperate before we place a family member.
Geeeeez, I wish that I could go back in time and speak to myself the way I feel about things now.
I did what I felt was best then. It wasn’t best. When I realized that it wasn’t, so much damage to my emotional well being had taken place. I was a lost soul!
We are still on tenterhooks, waiting for MIL to pass away. She must have made a pact with the devil, b/c she is not going anywhere any time soon.
Her situation gets worse and worse, the kids are exhausted and angry. My DH chewed me out yesterday b/c I asked him what his days with his mom looked like this week. You'd have thought I'd asked him to cut off a hand for him--his response was just anger filled, and completely unnecessary. All he had to say was 'I am on Monday, Thursday and Saturday.' And the discussion would be over. Instead, he snapped at me and then angrily got up and watched TV until 2 hrs past the time he was supposed to be at MIL's.
He's mad at HER, but by darn, I get all the anger. IDK if our marriage can handle the stress much longer. He keeps saying it has 'nothing to do with YOU'--yet of course it does!
Displaced anger--I am in hot water for things I don't do and for things I DO do.
Being someone who is not afraid of death, yes, I do wish my MIL could pass away. She's bringing no joy to anyone and doing nothing but breaking this family to pieces.
It’s so sad that your husband is taking out his anger and frustration on you. Try your best to understand that he’s frustrated over the difficulty of caregiving for his mother. Perhaps you can try to convince him that if he continues along this path he might end up dying before his mother. It’s time for your husband to get help for his mother as it’s too much for him to do.
We just visited my MIL ( 200 miles away ) this weekend . We watched her bear crawl up her flight of stairs in her house again . She’s very unsteady and unsafe climbing stairs . She’s so stooped over and her one shoulder is so bad from arthritis that she can’t lift it high enough to hold the handrail . She refuses to have another handrail installed on the other side , that shoulder is better . ( not sure that would work anyway because she has a bad dropped foot that’s making it difficult and dangerous as well to climb the stairs ) . It’s a sight for sure watching her on the steps . I ended up having to close my eyes for fear I would see her fall
.
She won’t move to one level and also refuses to get a chair lift installed on the stairs or grab bars in the shower “ because it is an eyesore and will hurt resale value of the house”. She falls often , she’s holding on to furniture to get around . Refuses a walker . Finally uses a cane when she leaves the house but it is not enough . And still drives, doesn’t have POA drawn up .
What is the prize for not adapting to her age ? Her many falls ? She faceplanted outside last week again and her partner ( who has mild dementia ) called 911 , she was a bloody mess . She wants to age in place and not go into AL but won’t make adjustments to do that . We give up . She is still competent . No more suggestions . Whatever happens happens .
For years I tried to get MIL & FIL to have a relationship with our daughter, their granddaughter, by taking her to visit several times a year. At a certain point, the visits stopped when she refused to have anyone come to the house. We did try to come by and visit with FIL, but they would not visit us at all.
Every time DH would call Mil would abuse him and threaten to disinherit him. FIL didn’t say anything except continue the conversation.
After FIL’s death, things got worse. She wanted help and she didn’t want help. She wanted to live with us but didn’t understand why she couldn’t live with us. Not after 15 years of verbal abuse and the mess she left her home in and the nasty dog she wanted to bring. She was encouraged to move into AL. She thought it was temporary. It is not.
Now she can’t take care of the dog anymore and it has to go. The dog is suffering because it isn’t taken out, isn’t cleaned and she isn’t cleaning up after it like she used to and she is barring people from her room. This is 2.5 years after moving in. We both know that this will be a deathnell for her. The only one she cared for was the dog. She hates everyone.
The isolation is what she wanted.
Facebook posts and making comments on others Facebook posts = death is not imminent.
SIL called last night and my heart skipped a beat hoping she was calling to say he died. But no she was only calling to complain that 2 of his "not adopted" adult kids from one of his 7 wives (or is it 6? I can't keep track) were calling wife number 7 saying that they were concerned his sons would try and take his money after he dies. I had to laugh when hubby told me. Ironically he has given them so much money and has never helped one of his actual biological kids, ever. But that is part of who he has always been.
He would buy his mistresses expensive jewelry, rounds of drinks at the bar for strangers, while his kids had no heat or food and many times no place to live (they lived in campgrounds in a tent in the middle of winter, a van, a garage and moved too many times to count). While FIL would be sleeping at a friends house or with a woman he was cheating on his current wife with.
1. He has nothing because he gave over $100,000 (money from a car accident settlement) to a woman on Facebook who was actually a male scammer from India. He actually went to meet her at the airport and called police when she didn't show up.
2. He has declared bankruptcy so many times with the most recent being 2 years ago. So he literally has nothing but a crappy house that is worth maybe $20,000.
3. Neither son want anything from him. But if he didn't have a will and actually had anything you can be sure they would take what would be theirs legally based on probate. I call it reparations for the child abuse they endured.
My mom, (who has always had hoarding tendancies), is in a hospital bed. She first had her pocketbook and some bags of personal belongings on the bed with her. Now she has literal cardboard boxes with her checkbook, money, keys, bills, meds and other stuff to the point where she's on half a bed. She's almost fallen out of bed a few times and the hospice nurses and social workers refuse to get involved.
She also has 2 locked bedrooms that only "I" am allowed in, and I spend SO much time trying to locate things for her. It's seems like it's not ME she wants, it's me managing her stuff.
The meds are the worst. She thinks no one can "take" them if they're in her possession. But I took them right out from in front of her yesterday when she was sleeping to fill her med containers.
To the poster who is dreading another 20+ years of this, yes, they are holding us hostage in a sense, but they can only do so if we let them. I know it's time for me to back WAY off, before it ruins our once decent relationship.
I still hate caregiving and it's still doing damage to my life. I hate helping her more than I love her and I don't want the caregiving to end because my mom dies.
However, I've came to the realization last night that it'll likely end with a death in the family and I'm stuck until that happens. My mom absolutely, positively, does not want any extra help for fear of getting robbed. My grandmother getting robbed twice and my next door neighbor getting robbed were enough to make my mom completely closed minded to extra help. She only trusts a small number of people, but they're all too old to do the physical work I've been forced to do for over 5 years.
It'll end with either:
A) My grandmother dying, which would open the nursing home window. However, my mom's Covid paranoia is still there. She got a new mattress a few months ago and she requested the delivery men wear masks and gloves. She had to do some pleading to make it happen even though she was in another room of the house while they were here. And her fear of getting robbed is so strong, she had me move all the car and house keys to another room of the house while the delivery guys were here. She's never done that. I understood moving the jewelry and financial stuff, but moving the keys were unnecessary.
B) My mom dying, which could be 25-30 years from now barring something unforeseen happening to her.
C) Me dying in some way, shape, or form.
If you had a child , would you want your child giving up 30 years of their life to take care of you ?
I hope for your sake she goes first.
this way…. Nobody should suffer even if it is by their own doing, and now you are suffering. My mother has Alzheimer’s, completely out of her mind, stuck in a NH, for who knows how many endless years until her physical body says enough. I cant stand it, and we all deserve the right to check out, if we know the outcome of our illness which will cause suffering for ourselves and others, then a simple legal doc should do it!! This needs to change now! Nationwide!!
It will take time after this slog is over to feel more like yourself again . But yes, it will be a little different than before . Caregiving leaves a mark , at least I feel like that . (((((Hugs))))
She has had many visitors, including her grandson who flew in from cross country and all of her other grandchildren, relatives, friends, church people…she receives cards, letters gifts, food. Yet she makes lists of things to “discuss” with me when I come. It literally amounts to a complaint list.
She is so blessed in so many ways. I have friends who are HHAs and their clients either have no family and friends or have family living very close by who don’t even visit on holidays.
My goal was to make mom’s dying days as pleasant and peaceful as possible. Now I just dread my time there, especially my one overnight shift I do on Saturdays. The next time she pulls out her list I’m going to ask her, who would she like to see, what would she like to do, what does she really want to talk about while she still has time? I feel like all the negativity and focus on minutiae is her way of denying her inevitable death. She’s always been big into denial.
PS. After reading through a lot of this thread, I don’t wish my mother would die. It’s more that I wish I could get some peace and resolution. If she were to die right now I think I would feel very conflicted.
Live and let live.
There are old threads that remain alive because others are in the same situation as the original OP. So, the purpose of the thread is still relevant today. Caregivers have always struggled in the past and continue to struggle today.
It cannot be over fast enough. They are lingering and I want my life back.
Yet, so many people say cruel things to the caregivers and try to make them feel guilty for feelings that are completely normal to experience.
They will say, “You’re going to get old one day!” As if, that helps!
you are so stressed and overwhelmed and you sound like you hit your limit and
your not alone in feeling this way.
I've had those feelings and I’m certain so many others are having feelings like that.
You’re doing your best. Be kind to yourself.
My mother is mean, she triggers my CPTSD, I'm currently not speaking to her and she's staying away. It's been about 5 weeks, maybe more. Yes, I love her, but she will never be the mother anyone deserves.
She accused me of wanting to "take her down". I literally snickered out loud which really set her off. She called me the "C" word. I told her it takes one to know one, and then quickly told her to get the "F" out of my house.
I know she will rear her ugly head at some point, just when I relax just enough and least expect it.
I fairly certain she has found some assistance through the state. She's playing the victim no doubt, how horrible her daughter is! That's okay, when she says those things, she may not realize she's talking about herself.
Just go, I think. Before I do. I need peace. And still want to try and live. I'm unable to stop using (Meth). No one knows and I appear "normal", but it's causing me neurological damage and I need to stop. It's been my way of not feeling. And I do still feel too much, so I fear my feelings and emotions that are justifiable but not appropriate.
Dear God, just let us go.
I will keep all of you in my thoughts. I truly feel your pain. I was a caregiver for my parents and my mother lived in my home for 14 years. There were many days that I thought that it would never end.
Caregiving is the toughest job in the world.
just because we hope for things doesn’t mean they happen .
Caregivers are only human and have feelings .
It’s clear you didn’t have abusive parents. That’s good.
We should all have been that lucky. Some forum members had extremely abusive elderly parents their whole lives. So abusive that you even wish them to die.
It’s also clear that no one in your life has ever treated you SO badly, that it crossed your mind you wish they would die.
Sometimes it’s not possible to understand, unless you lived the abuse yourself.