Is it wrong to hope someone dies?

Even though your parent has led a destructive miserable life, I can tell you this. Even happy, somewhat healthy elders, become unmotivated as they age. They find nothing to live for - their older friends and families have died; often through no fault of their own they have health issues that affect them both physically and mentally. They begin to see no reason to get up and get moving. It is hard for the young and healthy to understand, myself included - but I work in an Assisted Living community, and I see what happens to so many people. It is sad, depressing - wanting a parent to 'just go' is completely natural. I know many of those people want to 'just go' as well.

Belle: I think Bamagirl1 has some good points. Even those who have not lead a destructive life reach the point where they no longer want to participate in life. They are coming to the end and it makes no sense to shame them for being old and tired. Your mom is entitled to feel that way also. She may feel it now more than ever., but only expresses it in the same manner she has all her life. It's the only way she knows. Do you think she knows that her time is limited? Your mom is not asking you to get her out of bed and make her exercise so she can live longer. She has some very major medical issues and in spite of her past negativity, it sounds like you recognize that her current medical conditions are real. Why not just let her live her final days the way she has lived her life. You can't change her. She's in the hospital now. Is it possible to transfer her to a nursing home? It would be wonderful if you could just visit and leave her care to professionals who don't have to do it 24/7.

You are very angry at your mom. She is coming to the end of her life and in spite of all you do, she still can't give you the love most of want from our moms. She is still focused on herself. This is who your mother is. She has a mental illness and can't be the mom you or I would have wished for. It's not your fault. You deserve better, but she can't give it to you. Can you try to forgive her now before she dies? Can you say, "Mom, I'm so sorry you are suffering?" I think she is suffering, don't you. Does it matter that she brought it on herself in so many ways. Can you give her a few kind words and release her to God's care and forgiveness and your forgiveness. If you can do this for her and yourself, I think you will feel better when she is gone.

It's perfectly ok to wish someone would pass on. But it is also wise to do what you can to come to terms with the hurt they have brought to your life so you can, if possible, forgive them. It will give you a profound sense of relief and a new lease on life. I wish you the best. Hugs, Cattails.

well if it is, then i am wrong too. but it doesn't matter; i am still taking care of my mother's needs despite the fact that she is a miserable life energy sucking btch, a pain in the a$$ and a woman whom NOBODY likes. so i'm pretty sure God forgives me everytime i think it. lolz

To reiterate someone elses thoughts...my mom is not mean or bipolar and we had a very loving relationship and I still wish she would pass soon. In a nursing home with dementia and it is NO way to live. It's existing. You are normal! Give yourself a break.

I can't believe how many people are in a similar situation as mine.....however, I have lived out of state for years and when I went to visit and found her filthy, disoriented and sickly thin but still in her self-obsorbed nasty accusing state. I agreed to move her to an AL near me (my sister refused to take care of her( They hate each other) . I moved her right from the hospital in NJ . She went directly to the AL from the airport. an agreement I made with my husband (he knows her history and personality)..I was sick about it and feeling very guilty until she was here about a day! She was a nasty rotten maniac for 3 months and I felt it was all my fault-----Well, she has adjusted (somewhat) She stayed in her room ,talked nastily about everyone and complained, complained, complained to me created problems for the staff and still does (nothing ever pleases her and never did) She claims she always got "the dirty end of the stick" (heard that all my life). I visit her once a week and call her every day to listen to her complaints and badgering. I talk to the staff about all the trouble she has started especially with her dillusions and sundowning. God bless them all! She is now in nursing after a fall and fractured leg and will stay because of her mental state. Every day I feel guilty but for the sake of my marriage and sanity I have done the right thing.....She is well taken care of by professionals who are used to handling this and are unemotionally attached. My sister reassures me that she wouldn't do this for me if the situation was different and when I think about it realistically I know in my heart that she is right. Her money will soon run out and she will go into a double medicaid room---God HELP the staff when that happens With all that said, I too wish she would pass---and feel terribly guilty about it---She has no quality of life and the miserable life she created for herself and tried to impose on her children needs to be ended. She is miserable and I think at this point she doesn't even know how not to be or is willing to try......What is the point.....? Don't feel guilty --there are many of us in the same situation
After this long rambling rant my point is ....consider an AL if possible ...If your mom has any money that will cover her for a year----she will stay in the same place when she goes to nursing or (medicaid) If she needs to go right into nursing --remember al facilities are not equal ( research, research, research,) and beg them to find a bed for her when you find the right place.........She had her life---Don't let her suck the life out of you and your family.. It still won't be easy but at least you may end up keeping your sanity!! (somewhat) i know that this sounds callous but I wake up every morning feeling guilty---then I remember my childhood and all the cruel impositions that my sister and I had to endure and remember why I have been on anti-depressants for years (she has always dominated my life) -------I'm 60 and it is time to get MY life together------It is time for YOU TOO

Please do not feel guilty. My mother is a kind loving person now. She wasn't always. I am exhausted all the time. I wake up as tired as I go to sleep. I do love her, but I think I resent the fact that at my age, she had her own apartment and was president of the senior complex she lived in. He was traveling, cruises, going to casino's and just enjoying life. I do not even have time for my myself let alone my husband and grandchildren. I work and take care of her. I have copd and other problems She has no memory. Cannot even remember if she ate. Cannot walk well due to breaking both hips, and is legally blind. I keep thinking when is it going to be my time. Besides the above she is in great health. I do not even beleive I am going to make it do retiment and she will not even know I am gone. Yes I think the same thing. It seems to me a waste. She cannot enjoy life. She does not remember it. I know I will feel guilty just for writing this But we all feel the same way at times.

Your mother has some very serious physical illnesses which may have been brought on herself. However, everyone, especially someone as ill as she is deserves some degree of compassion. It may be that you are at your wits end in taking care of her and feel like you cannot do enough for her. If that is the case, you need help. You need to reach out to the hospital social worker or case worker and have your mother placed in a facility where she can receive professional and compassionate care. You need to give yourself a break, and your family too, and not feel guilty about asking for help. Your mother's needs and anxiety level will only get worse as her illness progresses towards the end. Best wishes for you and your mother, and I hope you will be able to heal and make amends before she actually leaves this earth...

I can't believe how so many people have similar problems. I've been being led by nursing staffs and social workers at NHs and ALFs that my mother is an angel, such a "sweet woman". Well, maybe she is .... to them, although she does have her "canine" moments with them too. But for me, it's invective, hate, distrust, complaints, my fault. My mother has little to no education; my parents saved nowhere enough for their retirement, let alone senility. She thinks a house still costs $2K. She wants to die, and I want her too. Do I feel guilty, distraught, sinful for thinking such things? Yes, but at the same time, I say to myself, I'm only praying for what she wants anyway. She needs assistance: incontinence and borderline dementia, but she thinks she should be able to move back in to my house where she lived for 10 years after my father died. The first 5 were just take her to the doctors, but it got worse and worse, and her attitude went downhill second by second. She's been hell to live with, and now that I visit her at the ALF, she complains to me that I'm unthinking and hateful because I won't let her come back to stay with me and my partner. We have not had a life of our own for over 10 years. It is perfectly natural to want someone like this to die, particularly if they want to as well. As I said in a post elsewhere on this site, we're better with our animals. When the quality of living goes, we euthanize them. I just wish medical science could provide some help, since this is not an option with humans. All caregivers can do is hope and pray that the aged parent who needs to go, does so as quickly as possible. I feel guilty, but then I feel like I should at least have some kind of a life. My grandparents died early, so my mother never had to put up with this, and even then, she worked and her sister took care of her mother. So my mother has never been in a similar situation. I do hate her for all of this. What you are feeling seems to be quite natural and prevalent among caregivers. I resent that she is so selfish now and won't let me have a life. Does she know she is causing this? I believe so, because when I talk about how she needs care, and I can't be home to give it to her, except on weekends, when she comes to visit (and then carries on like a monster when I take her back on Sunday nights), she says she is perfectly independent and can take care of herself. But when I cook for her and clean up her messes (and I don't mean just soiling diapers--I'm talking about messing up the room!), she is penitent and says she won't do it again. So, yes, she does know she is a bother. I am trying to learn without blaming myself for how I feel. If you feel similarly, and it seems you and others do, then don't feel guilty. We are human too. (I noticed one person say she can't go on vacations: my partner and I put the old lady in a respite care home for our 25th anniversary for two weeks. It was the first vacation we had in over 20 years.) I just hope that when my mother dies, she will get a chance to see all the misery she has caused in her only child.

Dennis: I hope you are not bringing her home every weekend. It might be better if you stopped that completely. She's in a safe place and you can visit her there.

Yes, I have been. The people at the home tell me she is a totally different person there when she knows she will be going home on Friday for the weekend. For quite some time she was a real shrew, literally, biting, scratching, kicking, spiting, cursing. Now that I've been taking her home on the weekends, she is civil, social, and really quite sweet (according to them) during the week. It's only that on Sunday nights when I'm getting ready to take her back that she continues to act the shrew with me.

Well, Dennis, when do you ever get a weekend off with your partner? I would suggest that you stop the weekend visits for a couple of months and see if she adjusts. Maybe some medication to deal with her behavior is in order. I'm not recommending that she be put into a drugged stupor, but many people with dementia benefit for medication to ease their anger and anxiety. Biting, scratching, kicking, spiting and cursing are symptoms I would want to address with a geriatric specialist. Whether it is dementia, manipulation or a combination of both, it should be addressed. Best wishes, Cattails.

I sure hope not because i have been feeling this way for awhile now about my dad. It is me and my sister staying with dad. I stay during the day and she stays at night. I am so tired of going over to that house i could scream. And that was the house i grew up in and i used to love it and now i hate it. I just feel resentment and anger when i go over there. I want my life back and dad dying is the only way that will happen. I know this must sound cruel and i never thought in a million years that i would feel this way but i do. I never wanted to feel this way. It makes me feel so guilty. But yet i still wish for it to happen. And i think all i will feel is relief that it is finally over. I hate to even think about how long this will drag out. If he had alz or dementia i think it would be easier cause then we could put him in a nursing home and he wouldn't know anything about it. I feel like this caregiving has changed me and not for the better. I used to be happy and now the only time i am happy is when i am leaving his house and when i am at home with my own family. I am miserable over there at dads. Lord forgive me for my feelings, but i just can't help it or change it i wish i could. It is tearing my family apart and my sister and husbands relationship. I just hope all of us are strong enough to get through this. Hugs stormyyy

I feel exactly the same. My mother yells and makes life miserable for all of us trying to help her. My dad is 92 she is 87. He had three heart attacks and requires assisted living. She is ok. Ever since he moved to assisted living she has been angry that she had to go too. She did not had to go but went with dad anyway. She yelled so much today i actually called her doctor to please check her for anxiety and depression. She seems almost bipolar to me. I feel like i am in a no win situation no matter how hard i try it is never enough! I feel sometimes she needs to go through what dad did and see how hard it is to recouperete. It is sad that i want her to be sick but she doesn't understand how blessed she is to have all this family wanting to help I hope she gets better before dad passes as she will be even angrier alone. Just take it a day at a time and do deep breathing exercises.

Opalfaye: I think you are on the right track getting a hold of your mom's doc. You need to seriously get his attention. Don't give up on that. Hold the docs feet to the fire and tell him your mom is making your dad's life a living hell. He will die sooner if she is free to rant and scream. She need some meds. Follow up. Hugs, Cattails.

I feel the same way at times...because I'm exhausted & want my life back after 3 years of straight 24/7 caregiving except for 4 nights off (separately thru the 3 yrs). Mom has diabetes, liver disease & is a Dialysis patient who now is suffering from dementia. She's in pain & miserable but scared of death so she won't stop Dialysis. I pray for her just to pass peacefully in her sleep. Then I have friends who lost their parents & are devastated, which makes me feel guilty thinking that they are lucky.

These posts are all so sad and yet I am right there with you. My mother is a dear,
but I am so ready for her to go, somewhere other than at home where I am the only caregiver. I will be devastated when she dies yet I feel like I cannot go on another day caring for her. Alzheimer's is the worst kind of hell, and some of you are dealing with that and other serious health issues. How do we caregivers keep going without taking our own lives?

Catch- I know what you mean. Things were so bad last summer all i felt all the time was rage, so much rage that it scared me that i was going to hurt someone or myself. Life was so unbearable at that time and somedays i still feel that way but not as bad. The antidepressants i am on now help alot, but I still wish that I could have a normal life again. hugs stormyy

I wish for it every day.
There, I said it.

Stormy, Magdelena, and others. I wish it for my mother too. Not in anger, but because, although she is quite well in many ways, her life becomes more and more of a burden to her and others. That brings worry to her and others about how she will cope, where she will be best off if she cannot manage where she is now, concern about increasing health issues, financial resources and so on. I think it is is only natural when a person has reached a certain age/stage.

No LOL I'm not angry either. At least not today.
Most days I live with feelings of hopeless resignation.
I had hoped for some time to enjoy my own life again
But she may very well out live me.

Hi Guys: Just a few not so funny comments, but they are funny is a sad way. My dad lives with us. He had a major stoke last July (not his first), and we do everything for him. He can eat on his own, but the rest is up to us. He will be 90 this September. In his younger days there was no way he wanted to live like this, but now he is perfectly fine, sitting in his recliner, eating his 3 meals per day, having us do everything for him. He does not want to stop taking his medications and let nature take it's course. I'm 63 and I love my dad, but I'm watching the clock tick away the years of my life (I've had him for 6 1/2 years) and I don't think he has a clue to the burden he puts on us. It's just not even on his radar. He's a happy camper even if he is living no life at all. Cattails

I am so tired of the excessive coughing from dads trach I COULD SCREAM!!!
When will it ever end? I feel like every time he coughs i have to go and walk around there and check on him. It drives me crazy. I just want him to go to sleep and stay that way til i leave. He is such a burden to me and my sister. I dread so much coming over here. He is coughing gotta go again. hugs stormyyyy

Wow-I am not sure I feel better knowing I am not alone, or worse for all of us! I love my mom and our relationship is wonderful. But I too am just so tired and see no way out of this. Some days when she is having a particularly bad day-and she says out lout-"I don't want to live this way anymore" I have told her that if the angels come to take her-that we will be ok if she goes. I honestly do not know what is keeping her here. She has come back from the brink of death soooo many times! I feel so selfish wishing that this would all be over and I know I will miss her but I am soooo tired! I try to reason with God-that she is in pain and this is no quality of life so why not take her? And then I feel sheepish and think-really it is for selfish me and God knows it! We never thought she would even make the move to our house and here we are 8 years later! People say it is all the good care she gets! Shouldn't that make me happy? UGH.

Stormy & Mame, I am so sorry that both of you are going through a hard and sound like stressed out, overly worked care-giver. I hope you both find some sort of peace while you two are still caring for your relatives. Mine has just begun and I will be following some of y'alls footsteps as my mnl AD progresses. I was told that the Lord will not give you more than you can handle. However, I think sometimes you have to pray and let him know your plate is runnith over and you cannot take it. I will say a prayer for both of y'all to help give you both strength and some sort of peace.
Stormy, I would think if he keeps coughing consistantly that is stomach is going to get very sore. Is there anything is dr. can prescribe for him that would help and it might help give you a peace to your ears? I wish I could help you two but all I can do is say a prayer or two. I hope y'all get some peace.

BelleFleur, I understand. Your experience with your mom sounds like what we had with my father. I'm not sure there was a tear shed at his funeral; we were just all worn out by the time he died. Now I have responsibility for my mother who has dementia and a long history of mental illness. Whenever some well-meaning person says to me, "Well, just be thankful you still have your mother!" I am left speechless. No one who has walked this path ever says anything like that. They're the ones that say, "Bless your heart". I don't still have my mother. I have this stranger whose life is confusing and hard and frightening to her. And people like that make life hard for others.

Wow Elizabethgrace you are sooo on target. Unfortunately, my mom died a week ago yesterday but..I was in this position. People say the dumbest things thinking that it's comforting. I hardly cried when mom died last week. Why? Because I lost her a long time ago to dementia and illness. For the last month she hardly knew me and couldn't speak. It's also hard when people say she's better off now...she would have been better off without dementia! Such a fine line but I do not judge ANYONE for wanting their parent to pass away gently. It's so hard for us to see them this way and even harder to care for them. It drains you so that when the time comes...I think you're almost at peace with it. I cried enough when she was alive. I came to terms with it then...I haven't cried too much since the funeral. I had said my goodbyes and given all my love to her long before this. Even if your loved one is a pain in the butt, I think they know that too but they are scared. This was such a learning and loving experience for me. I was the same wishing it would be over. Then it is...faster than you thought.
Many hugs and good wishes. We all understand completely.

Bhenson, I'm so sorry. I understand that you said your goodbyes years ago - so did I. So many tears then. I pray that the good memories from before will replace the difficulties of the recent past. It sounds like you were a caring daughter.

After my previous post, I went to visit the dementia care unit at an assisted living facility, thinking this would be the next step. Yikes! It was awful--so depressing and I couldn't imagine putting my mother in one of those places. I can't bring myself to hire an in-home aide either because I know it would be such a hard adjustment for both me and my mom. So I'm left with all the conflicting feelings of
wanting her to die peacefully and knowing how devastated I will be when that happens. The thing with Alz. is that the patient just keeps going downhill for so long and getting worse and it goes on and on. Each day I wonder if I can do it another day. So far I'm doing it.

This sounds like it might have been written by me. My mother moved in with me and pretty much took over and criticized the way I dressed, the way I cleaned house, my weight and my TV service--but took over the TV. She was very unhappy and very miserable and didn't have a quality of life. Her death was not as devastating as watching her deterioration.

I think a lot of people really do not know what to say to someone when they have lost a love one from such a devastating disease such as AD for they do not fully understand what AD is all about. However, they do mean well and I take that into consideration. On the otherhand, I was my mom's guardian except she didn't have AD. She was depressed, couldn't drive, alcholoic and a chain smoker with type 2 diabetes. I have to admit I felt releived from the extra care and worrying and in a way felt sad for losing my mom at earlier age of 58 due to heart attack but, I also know that she was not happy on this Earth. In a way I can understand but not fully just yet for now, I am caring for my mnl. She was diagnosed with AD two years ago and it has been a total different experience and she is a fire-cracker and has always been that way. So, is seems my journey has just begun. I just wished other people understood more about AD and Dementia.