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I know that it is hard for you to hear your Mom asking to be taken home. My Mom used to cry every time I visited or every time we talked on the telephone. It tore my heart out to hear her cry:( The Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner put Mom on some antidepressants and other mood stabilizing medications and that has helped a lot. Now Mom cries occasionally when I visit and rarely when I talk to her on the phone.
I suggest that you seek some counseling to help you cope with your Mom's health problems and the stress of this situation. Take care of yourself. God Bless!
I remember so clearly t he day I realized that I needed to simply appease my mother--not be candid or "honest." My mom would not remember anything I said for five minutes. So, why break bad news over and over?
You appease. That is not false hope in this situation. It is kindness. As a friend of mine recently said, with dementia, all the rules change.
Good luck and big hug!
There is something called Validation Therapy that works fairly well with this situation.
You can research it, but if can also find a support group for yourself, others may have excellent things that have worked.
The idea is, first to validate their feelings. Saying things like, “I know you loved your home.” “What is the first thing you would do if you were there? “
“How would you feel if you were home right now”
Then if they respond with any type of positive feeling, go with that. So, if they say “I would feel safe” “Or “I would feel busy”
Then respond to that.
You can say things like “I noticed that when someone (holds your hand, brushes your hair, hugs you, wraps you up in a blanket) you look like you feel safe.
Or you can ask them who her makes you feel safe? What do they do that you like.?
Then you can do those things with them.
If they only say negative things, you can say things like “I noticed when you were home you liked to rock in a rocking chair, or you liked to listen to ____music, or you liked to fix things.” Then you find and do something similar with them.
If you say “This is your home now” that is very distressing as it isn’t their home.
Instead find the emotion(fear, anger, confusion, boredom, restlessness, etc). Then find what activity they used to do they enjoyed, and replicate that.
If you go online you can find things like busy aprons that can keep a person’s hands busy. It is an apron with built in zipper, a Velcro buckle, a large button, etc that a person can fiddle with if they are anxious.
You are the best person to problem solve this, because you know your loved one better than anyone. Look at Melissa and Doug toys-they have wooden fruit to slice with a wooden knife, and a variety of activities like that.
I really hope this helps a little. It is a kind validating way to interact. Memory books with pictures of favorite tools, garden produce etc can also be comforting, but you have to go through it with them. You cannot just hand it to them.
One more thing, the further into the dementia a person gets, the more creative you have to get. If they are restless and can walk,just walk with them holding their hand if they will let you. If they are non responsive, you can use mirroring, music to help them feel safe. No matter what they are doing, they are communicating something.
No matter what please do not discount what they are communicating with things like “You can’t go home@
The question then is which is less harming: letting your mother know that she won't be coming home or telling her that she'll be coming home soon, when it's clearly not soon.
Definitely get a behavioral health specialist to see her.
Read easy stories to her...Read the religious things she remembers, as for example, Psalm 23 (The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.)
When she jumps back on the "go home" wagon, listen politely and then say something like, "Guess who I saw at Walmart yesterday...."
To me, the ball is always in the court of the caregiver...Bearing in mind that the burden of the patient is very distressing to the patient, be thankful for the good years and also that God has given you a servant's heart to care for yur love one..
Grace + Peace,
Bob
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