By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Your mom sounds like a real piece of work. No one deserves to be treated like this and you need to cut and run. While most of her issues may stem from being a narrsisist, at her age of 85 I suspect a dose of dementia as well. Classic dementia to blame others for things they can't find and accusing people from stealing from them. Happens all the time.
Do you, or anyone, have POA? Do you have siblings? Has she been evaluated for dementia? Can she take care of herself? What does she depend on you for - except being her punching bag?
Severely and strictly limit your time with her while you ensure that her very basic needs are met. Does she drive? If you do errand for her, have everything delivered to her door, on her dime.
You may need to call Adult Protective Services and have them do a wellness check on her. If/when she ends up in the hospital, refuse to be her caregiver any longer.
Do not engage with her when you see her. Nicely and calmly say here is what you need. I'm leaving now. And then just go. No arguing. No crying. She thrives on that crap so do not give it to her. Just go!
I feel so bad for you. It sounds like complete crazy land and no one deserves to deal with that. She should be on a boat load of meds to manage her rather severe issues.
You come first!
Also, paragraphs.
If the OP can edit the post it would be helpful.
Your Mother is 85 years old. The person you are describing may have been a narcisist in past years, but now sounds like they have fairly advanced dementia (and assuming they were never diagnosed with any other mental illness that could cause the described behavior).
2 things:
What you are willing to do.
What you are able to do.
If you are not her PoA then the next time she is verbally or physically abusive to you, you call 911. Don't hesitate. You tell them she is delusional and threatening and they will take her to an ER. Once there, have them check her for a UTI. Tell them she is an "unsafe discharge". Don't let the hospital talk you into taking her back home even if they promise to "help"... they won't. Been there, done that. Just refuse to get her, or take her anywhere else.
Then ask to speak with a social worker at the hospital. They have the ability to have her discharged directly into a facility, or to keep her in the psych wing of their hospital. If you can accept this, then do it. If not, if you wish to keep her at home (which I'm assuming you share with her?) then I personally don't think you have many other options. Also, it's just not good for you. The last years of dementia are brutal and punishing to caregivers. You need to take care of yourself.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you find solutions.
Have you considered going to a therapist to discuss your feelings on this matter? It won’t change your circumstances but it might help you to see it in a different light.
Wishing you peace and hoping that you will find the strength to walk away from this toxic relationship.
Please go no contact and take care of yourself.
I took so much abuse from my mom I ended up having a stroke. It took a horrible toll on my health. My cardiologist and neurologist even said the stress acerbated the stroke.
Stress is a REAL trauma.
You are not deserving of this abuse from her.
Second, to all of those who commented on your punctuation ~~ perhaps they should all be reprimanded. I could see as I read your post, the passion and dedication as you wrote… I was so absorbed by your words I didn’t even notice a single punctuation error. I had to go back and see what they were talking about. What a sad bunch of responders to even mention it.
We, daughters of narcissistic mothers know all to well the ridicule and disappointment we received at the hands of a parent that should be compassionate and guiding. We certainly don’t need a forum to make punctuation the focal point. If you guys cant read past it then stop reading and move on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to thank you for your well spoken from the heart post. I completely understand your situation- My mother is identical- When I was given conservatorship/guardianship due to dementia, she called: the police, FBI, agency on aging, APS, the bank, the neighbors, told them I slept with every cop and judge in town, and forged all the documents. When she refused to let me in to care for her, she screamed don’t let that B in… she’s a C… she’s trying to kill me. People say, oh, this is normal for dementia…
What they don’t understand is this is just my same ol’ mom acting the same way she has acted my entire life ~ just now she can use her age as yet another manipulation tool.
Sadly, and I said this in a different response elsewhere on this forum, if this was a dad we were taking care of who had sexually abused us ~ not a single person would expect us to care for them. Yet, a narcissistic parent is one of the WORST EMOTIONAL ABUSES and here we are.
You don’t need to commit to no contact. Take 8 weeks off from going over there and you don’t even need to take her calls.
You need time away from her so you can catch your breath, take care of yourself and get some perspective.
You are allowed to take. Mini vacation away from her.
She is beyond mentally ill and probably beyond any psychological help and counseling at this point. She sounds like a malignant narcissist who will make life hell for you. I had a client like this last month and the minute I felt myself starting to cry, I got the heck out of there. I reported the individual and never went back. These people will try to project their pain on anyone regardless if there it is an aide, family member or someone who will just take the abuse. This client tried to say in a way that her ring walked. We were the only two people in the home. I knew this was a set up of some kind, but it bothered me for a weekend. This is how they work on your nerves.
Are you legally responsible for your Mother? Legally required to arrange her care needs eg Legal Guardian or endurings POA.
Or do you feel obligated? Your duty?
See All Answers