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Fact of life. Does not make it any easier.
I "discovered" taking this journey with my Husband that the tears I shed were not for him but for me. I was (getting teary here) going to miss him, I was the one that was loosing the love of my life, for me to want him to stay, to not die was selfish of me. He was the one trapped in a body that was no longer his, no longer the vibrant, laughing, smiling man I fell in love with. Lying on the bed was a shell of what he was. He would not have wanted to live that life any longer.
I told him that I loved him, that I would be alright. I held his hand.
It is difficult to watch your loved one die. But caring for him was one of the most special things I have done in my life. I would not have wanted it any different.
I miss him. But he is still with me. When I do something in a way he would not have approved of, I hear his voice telling me so. When I cook a meal he loved I can feel him with me. When I look at the grand kids he is there.
Your mom will always be with you. When you fix a meal she taught you how to make. When you look at yourself in the mirror a bit of her will be there. And her voice will be there to guide you when you make a decision. I am sure your mom hid her illness from you just as my parents hid theirs from me. Your mom did not want to cause you any more pain than you already have. Isn't that what parents do, carry burdens for their children? (read Footprints in the Sand)
As long as you do your best given the information you have you should not question if you could have done more or done better. That is all anyone can ask of another.
(took me longer to write this than it should through tears. Grief is different for everyone Cdrickler's post below closes with a saying that has been taped to the wall above my computer for 6 years and it is so very true. Just know it is a road we all travel but the trip is different for all of us)
Rest well, you are doing the best that you can.
When my brother died in Hospice care at age 85 I felt only relief for him. The pity was for myself in his loss, as for all my life he was Hansel to my Gretel in any dark woods. But upon his death I knew he would suffer no more. And I would not live in terror of his suffering.
You are doing this perfectly. You are offering comfort, and what you can provide, and your LOVE most of all. Reassure her you will be OK, and that she will be with you every day you live. TRUST ME< that is the TRUTH. Celebrate her life with her. Remind her of WONDERFUL things you remember. Tell her you will treasure memories of times she allowed you to care for her.
She will never be gone from you. You will be stuck, like me, remembering her and wanting to tell her about an exquisite magnolia you saw that day. But you can write her notes in a scrapbook, decorate it, put in photos, and remember that for you she will always live.
My heart goes out to you.
I am an atheist. I don't believe in heaven. So I won't tell you about that. I WILL tell you about peace. I will tell you my Dad in his 90s told me he was so exhausted. He wanted only peace. It was so hard for him to make himself get out of bed. It was a torment to him that he had to go on. I will tell you about peace. I will tell you about the inevitability of death, I will tell you about memories. Annie Dillard has a quote I love.
"We live our lives as though hundreds of thousands of generations had not come before us, and as though hundreds of thousands of generations are not yet to come." That's the truth. We are a blip of time, a particle floating in the sun. Then gone. But what we FEEL is profound as anything I can think of. The LOVE. It is so amazing. You can mourn. You WILL mourn. You must mourn. But when you do, let your tears wash you clean, lift up your head, feel the joy of what you had and the joy of what can never ever be taken from you. THAT will be my hope for my daughter. We speak often about death.She is 58. She is raised up strong. Will be OK. I want her to have nothing left of my but my joy of her, and my wish that her joy lives on.
Do as you would without the illness, the weight of a terminal illness
Play music! Dance! Bake! Share! Be in the moment, with your mom. Trust that she will take what she needs from that. It wont be easy.
Cancer just claimed my dad. It was extremely hard to carry on as if
nothing was wrong-no impending doom. Don’t be ashamed to cry.
Share those feelings. We all want to know we will be missed.
Perhaps her distancing herself, shutting down, gives her control over the situation, or makes it less difficult to leave.
It’s all so unfair. Isn’t it? Eve and the apple, Pandora’s box, who can we blame?
Let those emotions out!
Leaving, saying “goodbye”, letting go, is the most difficult thing any of us have to do. It’s forever and ever.
Escaping physical pain is the only reason we embrace it.
“Grief is not a sign of weakness,
nor a lack of faith,
it is the price of
love”. - Anonymous
Have her doctors not suggested that?
Hospice will assist in keeping your mother comfortable.
Your mom knows that she will die. She has accepted it.
It’s hard for us to watch them suffer. It’s hard for us to say goodbye because we will miss them. So, basically, it is a mixed bag of emotions.
Allowing those we love to die with dignity is a tremendous gift.
She knows that you love her. She doesn’t need anything more than that. You’ve already given her the most important thing in life.
How I wish I had let their last days be more peaceful without me thinking I knew what was best.
I really was trying to help and I'm sure you are too but sometimes what we think is helping is making things harder for the natural progression of their life.
Of course, love her as much as you can. Offer her all that you can. Then let her live and leave as she chooses. It's the best thing you can do for her.
May God help you through this difficult time. It is a season that will pass and one that you can look back on knowing you made it as comfortable for her as you could.
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