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I imagine that you had nothing but good intentions for moving her into assisted living in the first place!!
It may take weeks, but eventually she will adjust.
When I placed my Aunt in ALF, she tried several times to walk out the door to go home. It was heartbreaking!!
Be supportive. Be strong.
Most of all, don't second guess yourself!!
Best wishes and (((hugs)))!!
nothing I would want to do again..
take care. both of you will get through this.
There is good reason that you have your wife where she is now, Richard, and I suspect that it was just getting to be too much for you to continue to do. There is no bright wonderful "fix it " answer. Most men operate on "fix it" and so it is especially hard for men to negotiate this emotional mess without trying to figure out how to just "fix it". The truth is that what has happened to your wife cannot be fixed and you are doing the best you are able in such a difficult situation. I hope you can talk with caregivers there, and I hope they give you some hope. This adjustment will take time. I am so sorry for all you are both going through.
She IS scared right now because she's in a new environment.
But I will bet you $100 that when she isn't speaking to you on the phone, she's doing FINE. Our loved ones save all their angst & fear & anxiety for US. We are their sounding boards. We are the ones who they trust enough to show their REAL selves to. Nobody else. So therefore, we are the ones who wind up wringing our hands in grief; staying up nights worrying; and questioning ourselves constantly if we 'did the right thing'?
That's how all this is supposed to work.
I'll give you a good example. My mother is just about 94; she lives in a Memory Care ALF and tells me daily how she hates it there and how the residents are all 'stupid morons' and even goes so far as to tell me the Activities Director asked her 'what are YOU doing here Joann? YOU don't belong here! There is NOTHING wrong with you, for petesake!'
Her version of things & the TRUTH are two different matters. When I SEE her interacting with the other residents, she's laughing and smiling. She's doing activities with them & having a good time. The staff loves her & even today, when I went there for a visit, the caregiver kissed my mother on the forehead when she left the room.
Your wife is doing what my mother does to me all the time; giving you the ugly version of her life. The REAL version is likely something entirely different.
Speak to the DON; ask HER how your wife is adjusting. Is she eating? Is she interacting? Is she sleeping? Is she showering? Etc. In other words, is she going about her daily life in an ordinary fashion? Or, is she refusing to move out of her room, quivering there in fear & misery, refusing to eat, and staying up all night crying.
Fact check EVERYTHING, like I do. Otherwise, you will wind up losing YOUR mind in the process of creating a safer, better life for your beloved wife.
Trust me. Been there, done that since 2014.
When you go visit her, you will SEE with your own 2 eyes how she's doing. Unless she's lost a lot of weight & her eyes are all sunken in and hollow, she's doing FINE, just like my mother is doing. Even though my mother tells me they're starving her to death with the horrible food and the teeny weeny portions. The woman weighs in excess of 190 lbs. Guess what? She's eating SOMETHING.
Wishing you the best of luck getting to the facts of the matter here.
We had the resources to keep her in the home where she was born, but the benevolent old farmhouse was crawling with full risks, and she’d already had a few doozies, so that was a major incentive for finding her a pleasant place for her to live. We listened to her caregivers when they said to walk away, and we learned that they were right.
It’s the hardest part of placing someone whom you love, but once done, she’ll have a chance to live safely and relatively pleasantly, and get the care that she needs now and will need in the future.
So soon, she will know her surroundings and will no longer cry when she talks to you. If you chose the best placement you could find, she will find in time what you knew she would adjust to.
Be at peace, and give her time, and trust those who are caring for her.
Try to think up "fibs" that you feel would be acceptable that your wife would understand. Like you are away on a business trip or hunting trip and you didn't want her to be by herself. Or say that the house is being repaired and you didn't want all that noise to interrupt her day. I know it won't be easy, as you say she asks you several times a day.
When my Mom [98] was in a nursing home, she thought she was in a hotel in another State. She wanted to call her parents so she could visit. I quickly thought of something to "fib" and said her parents were visiting the old country and won't be back until the middle of the month. My Mom accepted that as that is what her late parents use to do.
I expect those thoughts are pushing you to jump in the car and go and get her. But wait a moment.
You knew all of these points before you agreed to your wife's admission to the NH. Didn't you? And yet her going into the nursing home still seemed the best option.
How long has she been there? What do the staff say about how she's settling in? What made it necessary for her to go there?
Can you share a bit more info please?
Does she have any type of dementia?
Why is she afraid? Does she need more time to adjust to the facility?