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Unfortunately, many in that situation become Person A in hopes they will finally get what they always wanted from their abusive or neglectful parent. It rarely happens.
The B people ,,,I can’t answer for why they are able to not feel like they have to fix it . At times I envy that .
I too was raised to be a servant and to fix everything . Learned my lesson very late . Cared for both my parents for a decade .
Even though I learned my lesson, I am right now struggling because my FIL in AL is refusing help AGAIN from the staff . He’s nearly wheelchair bound at this point , barely walks. He is sitting in his recliner 24/7. Will not go in bed . Will not recline or raise his feet , feet are swollen .
He will not go in the bed because he can no longer get up from bed on his own . He will not let staff help him . It’s ridiculous . I’m assuming he does or will have a decub on his butt . Would I love to throw my hands up and just walk away ?? Others could but I can’t.
DH and I are trying to accept the inevitable . He WILL “ go off the deep end” if/when he is told he has to go to memory care or SNF . We will have to deal with it .
He could easily stay where he is if he would let the staff help . His AL keeps them a long time even in wheelchairs . Memory care at this facility is full of mostly non verbal people , or make no sense when they speak . My FIL isn’t that bad yet , it’s mostly stubbornness about proving he does not need help .
My question is , why can’t I walk away, even though he’s been horrendous to deal with from the start ? He’s in a facility , yet I still feel responsible for making sure he is cared for .
I was a nurse and I loved it. But that hard work taught me early on that I could never do 24/7 care for anyone, no matter the love I bore them.
I guess I am person B here?
It seems so.
I am not proud of that. It is my limitation.
You will never change person B.
You, if you are person A, are responsible for person A and her choices. Pretend that person B was never even born. Would you still do what you are doing by choice?
I am so sorry. Clearly you are overwhelmed. And you have fallen into the pit of thinking that dictates that if someone loves someone they would, as you have done, stepped up. Nope. Not true. They may not be as good as you, as strong as you, or willing to sacrifice to the extent you are. Or their thinking may be utterly foreign to you. They may believe they have a right to their own lives. That they cannot throw their own lives on the sacrificial funeral pyre for their parents. That they are not gods or Saints. That they didn't cause this and aren't able to cure it, and are not strong enough to take up the work you are doing.
I can only say, let it go.
You can only make choices for yourself.
My love and admiration out to you, but I could not do what you are doing on my best day.
Why do some stand up against aggressors while others run away?
Why do some people like vanilla and others prefer chocolate?
We all have different stories.
The question now is what happens when person B gets sick? I don’t want to take that on.