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Our father for many years refused to see a doctor for GI issues and high BP. When he could no longer pass a BM (age mid 70's), I convinced him to see a doctor who confirmed blockage from tumor and colon cancer. He had surgery and discharged himself from the hospital against medical advise - cursing me for influencing him to seek medical care. Then over the next few years he had multiple strokes after refusing to go to a doctor for BP control. Family went through the stress of getting him to the ER/hospital/rehab until he finally became so disabled that he required NH care. He was always a miserable person and lingered for 5 years under those circumstances passing at age 89.
Next our mother in her later years, who was also a very difficult person had declined in health after multiple TIA events. Huge fight to get her to stop driving (age 92) and move into private AL apartment. Later she had more health issues hospital /rehab that required NH care in early 2020 - she is still there now age 95. Sadly she has always been a very unhappy person looking back on her life at least from a child's perspective.
I agree with comments that people who came from happier and healthy home life backgrounds and parental relationships will not be posting here. They never dealt with our childhood with these stressful family dynamics - I do envy them.
no.
there are just as many mean/abusive parents in the world as there always was, since the beginning of time. (i counted all of them 😊).
some parents are sweet.
some parents are abusive.
"Is it because caregivers are so empathic?"
no. don't blame yourself. don't blame other caregivers. it has nothing to do with you.
you could be a super mean person -- your parents would still be abusive to you (if they're abusive people). it changes nothing.
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so why are there so many abusive parents, on this forum?
because people who have wonderful, sweet parents don't need as much support. if you're having an awful time, you're more likely to reach out to a forum. if you're having a wonderful time caring for your sweet elderly parents, you're less likely to reach out to a forum: you're too busy being happy.
caregiving can create lots of trouble (stress, ill health, financial loss, opportunities lost, time lost, etc.) to the caregiver. if you add on top of that, totally unnecessary abuse by the very person you're caring for (whether the abusive parent is in a facility, or at home)...no wonder you need more support.
Isn't it interesting that when you read about someone's narcissistic behaviors here, you just nod your head in agreement and think "ooohh yeeahh....that's sooo familiar to me!" Now we can and do compare notes-kind've like sizing up the school bully, enough of us band together, that person knows they're loosing any way of harming us.
I was my mother's caregiver and she was one, I dealth with it. It's not easy, I know I did my best and that's all I could hope for. She thanked me once or twice during the entire time. Which I did not expect. Oh well.
So....this is the kind of forum that is needed for those of us who are going through the wringer of dealing with very difficult people who are, on average, very ill. As pointed out, those caregivers who are in much better, healthier family dynamics probably do not have a need for a place like this, and that's ok. Then, there's the rest of us, trying to get through yet another day of caregiving to a narcissist.
Keep coming back, you are not alone.
My parents were loving and independent and they raised me to be independent as well, my Mom having told me "because that's what the world will demand of you". They prepared themselves for age and moved into care earlier than I thought they needed to, in that they went into a "village" environment where they had first their own duplex and garden, then apartment, then ALF for my Mom after my Dad's death. They kept themselves busy all their lives with their own friends and hobbies.
I think it is basically on you, recognizing "where you are" to now get the help you need, whether counseling or other, to recognize that you are grownup and in charge of your own life. That you can "support" but not take care of your elders, and that you certainly aren't responsible for their "happiness". That you can help them find safe environments for themselves, but that that isn't your own home.
Consider a few visits to a Licensed Social Worker in private practice for counseling in life transitions. This may help you with suggestions to break out on new paths off the same circle we trudge by habit.
I sure wish you good luck.
Remember, as far as you thinking "why do so many have" such problematic parents, many of us didn't, and many of us don't intend to be problematic ourselves, but when you come to a Forum you see the ones with problems. I, as a nurse, often saw patients end in the hospital with side effects of this or that. Say blood thinners. Lots of side effects from them! And I got to thinking that they were "bad" because of that. It needs to be said I didn't see the ones for whom they were life savers that WORKED! It's a bit like that!
When I first came to the forum there were more questions about practical caregiving - how to do things and learning to understand about dementia. The forum seems to have morphed into a place where family dysfunction is the main topic, that's likely because the more you post about something the more it shows up in a google search so it becomes self perpetuating.
The Silent Generation did not have to care for their parents as most did not live into their 90's, also, when I left home I turned my keys in and that was that,
no revolving door, they were not involved in being sandwiched. No built in babysitters, no regular flow of money to their children, it was all about them and their lives.
Now, those of that generation are all living too long (as are we boomers), not really living but hanging on, modern medicine is keeping many of us alive into our 90's. My mother is 97, I am 75, she could easily live to a 100.
We boomers changed much of how things with our children were done, we no longer let them do their own thing, we drove them everywhere, we let them move in and out of our houses, we gave them money, we baby sitted the grandchildren, in fact a very large % actually have raised the grandchildren. We created another generation of entitled people. We have come full circle and are in a codependent mess.
My mother is definitely not lovely, she is a B on wheels, she is in AL, we only do what we have to do as she deserves no more than that from us.
Just my thoughts!
And expecting children to solve all of it.
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