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"Broken brain" is the most simple explanation. Dementias wreck parts of the brain that controls certain aspects of functionality. This is why certain dementias produce certain behaviors as it progresses.
It's not that people with dementia like or dislike certain things or actions, it's that their brains can no longer process reason, logic, judgment, empathy, time and space, etc. Often in the early stages their family thinks they are "just being stubborn" or "lazy" but it's because then *cannot* do things that they used to, or should now do.
Here's a good guide that I keep where I can see it daily:
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia...
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible
(because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive, POLST)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive, POLST)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
Try to distract or find other ways to keep up with hygiene. Sponge bath in bed, washcloth while standing in bathroom. Scented body wipes they like the smell of etc. Be calm if they won’t cooperate.
As for trash, don’t scold - just throw it out when they aren’t looking. If they go through trash cans, move the cans to a different location not as visible to them.
Remember these behaviors will probably pass. Only to be replaced by other dementia behaviors. Each change needs to be handled with love. It’s sooo hard not to become frustrated, you are only human, but again the behaviors change.
Totally agree with the other reply here from Geaton777…try as much as possible to live by those guidelines from Teepa Snow. Keep the peace for the dementia person and your own piece of mind. Arguing, fighting, trying to change or teach the person with dementia will NEVER work. Their brain just is not capable.
Dementia patients don't "LIKE" any such thing.
Their brain is not functioning the way it used to, and their behavior will reflect oddities which you never expected. They may not "like" it at all. But they can't help themselves.
Showering may feel like an attack on them. They simply don't see the reasoning in it. And getting wet feels like an assault on their senses.
Don't try to reason with your loved one or argue about their strange habits.
Their sense of reasoning is gone.
Simply pick up the trash when the are not looking, and do your best to motivate them to be clean. They may require a sponge bath. Get a wash basin ( I use a large plastic bowl) with warm soapy water, and sprinkle a few drops of their favorite scent, and a nice, soft washcloth. If they fight, give them a small towel to hold with the instruction to "dry themself off".
You may have to compromise your idea of cleanliness. Do the best you can do, and accept that this is the best you can do, and that it is good enough.
Keep a sense of humor, and live with them while they are going through this terribly hard time. Try to understand their perspective. It's kind of like raising young children.
Thanks!
My Mom didn't like to keep trash, however, she couldn't remember what something was for and just threw it out. She was into simplification, thinking that in simplifying her life, it would be easier for her to deal with life and in addition to that, help us deal with her stuff after she died. So she started giving stuff away and tossing things out, including money, anything people gave to her later in life, old recipes that she developed, etc.
However, there was another lady in her senior day care who kept everything, dirty napkins, spoons, forks, etc. Every day, they had to empty her purse. She felt no remorse and really had no idea who had put all those things in her purse. She just knew that when the purse was light, it meant she was close to leaving the day care.
As for bathing, the fear of falling and slipping and hurting oneself is huge. We ended up putting a chair in her shower, and converting the overhead shower to one that was hand-held. Now she didn't have to worry about falling or getting water in her eyes, and she could direct the water where she wanted it. Because she no longer had the strength to twist the faucet to turn on the water (she had the single on/off with the temperature set type of faucet), once we helped her into the shower and onto the chair, we turned on the water and let her go at it. Later on, she didn't wash herself well enough. Therefore, after she washed herself, we did it over again, especially her feet and legs where she could not reach, turned off the water and ensured she got out of the shower safely.
So all I can say is try different tactics and find one that works. If that means you have to be there for the bath, then be there.
Good luck to you and your journey.
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