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His life is so different now. He lives with a nice lady. His kids make sure they see or talk to him, even stepkids where he and their mother divorced. Both his parents are gone, they would have been over 100. He really has turned his life around.
I was a kid when all this was going on with his parents. So nothing I could have done. My growing up years were opposite his. He loved my Mom. She has been gone 3 years he started backing away about then. I can't fix what happen to him. I can't give him better parents.
As for toxicity: My maternal grandmother (born 1920) was similar. She wasn't entirely toxic, but could be cold and unloving. I loved her but didn't like being at her house much because she was either griping, fussing, stewing in anger, or was fretful, crying, nervous or afraid. It was exhausting to be around her sometimes. She wouldn't even consider medication or any help to get her emotions under control. That was just for "crazy people".
As to immaturity: My mother was raised to be dependent. She's never lived alone a day in her life. Doesn't think for herself; believes most everything she sees on TV and what people tell her. No intellectual curiosity, no desire to learn new things. I think it got ingrained in her early on that she wasn't smart enough to be on her own (which is not true, I think she has a learning disability). Dad does everything for her and I know it's going to be catastrophic if he dies first.
I have depression and anxiety myself, pretty sure much of it is genetic. I thank God (and science!) I have a med routine that keeps me on a mostly even keel. We have so much more resources for us than previous generations!
Abuse does effect others. Everyone reacts to trauma in different ways. Some repeat the cycle because hurting people often hurt others. It’s all they have ever known. It’s their frame of reference for how life works. Others are fortunate, and know intuitively from the get go, that they never wish to repeat damaging behavior.
Many people make positive changes in their lives with the help of others who were able to break through their pain or perhaps they were so desperate they reached out to receive help in therapy.
You have tried over and over to help. We can’t force people to accept help, even when it is in their best interests and offered in love. Take solace that you truly tried. Of course, you are sad about the situation. Who wouldn’t be? You obviously care, or you wouldn’t have posted on this site. In time, it will become easier to accept that she is who she is and you are who you are. You deserve peace and joy in your life.
All I can say is, it is out of your control and often times, the more we push for something, the worse it gets. For everyone’s sake, let it go, give it a rest, knowing that you did all that you possibly could have. I am glad that you care about your needs.
It doesn’t always have to be the children, spouse or those closest to the person to help them. In fact, sometimes it’s better if it is an objective person that reaches them. You have caught the brunt of dealing with her pain. She most likely feels safe with you. An outsider will never catch as much as you have.
Free yourself from the responsibility of ‘fixing’ her and find peace in your life. Maybe, just maybe, somewhere down the line, she will find that peace too. I hope that she does for all of your sakes.
Wishing you peace in your life as you navigate your way through this challenging situation.
Take care.
Thanks
1. Women had no power
2. Women were often denied an education
3. Women were expected to marry and have children and were labelled as abnormal if they didn't
4. Women had no choices about what kind of lives they led.
5. Women had no access to birth control.
These folks look at their own daughters and are in some cases grateful that their daughters had/have better choices.
Or, the become/became embittered that they didn't have the opportunities their offspring have/had.
Sometimes there is unacknowledged mental illness in the mix for which there was little to no help. Dysfunctional patterns of behavior got perpetuated.
I think there is little chance of you turning to your mom's maladaptive behaviors.
In my family from my Great Granny, born in 1889 forward, women have worked outside the home. My Great Granny's twin moved to South Africa, because she could get a medical degree there, it would have been very hard for her to go to Meg School in Canada.
It's like I tell my brother. "You must have enjoyed the abuse from our parents because you not only do the same to your kids but worse".
Quite frankly, it is not a good reason to mistreat others and I find it to be a huge load of bs.
Some people enjoy being miserable and only find any happiness by making others miserable. There is just no excuse for abuse, EVER!