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YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
“As for the family members...the heck with them. They don't deserve you.”
RIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
and all these siblings (mine too) go to the same place. karma’s waiting for them. what goes around, comes around.
i wish you well! :)
you asked a very important question:
"who cares for US...the caregivers!?"
for most of us, the answer is: no one. we're on our own, helping/stressed.
by "on our own", i don't mean that some of us don't have hired in-home aides, or facilities helping: even so, many of us are alone, helping/advocating/making the big decisions/dealing with hundreds of problems. and no one is caring for us.
hence...again, we have to be the caregiver: "caregiver" towards ourselves.
:)
i wish you OP, and everyone on this forum, to be a success story. i don't know the magic formula. but i understand the wrong way to go about it (examples: not taking care of one's own health; letting too much stress build up; etc., etc.). let's all try to avoid the wrong way.
Good luck to you! You are not alone! Seek out support here and wherever you can find it! Be well!
When bragging family members call, cut/shorten the conversation. They’ll get the point.
It's an emotional situation making anyone have tunnel vision. You only see, understandably, the cr*p you're in and the lack of help from your small circle. You're down to your waist in slooow quicksand, the Lone Ranger ain't coming, and you're fixated on the quicksand, and who you'd think would help, so intently that you don't see the branches all around you. Start reaching out for one, then another. At the end of this crumby journey you'll be a great resource of information and you'll become something fierce and proud.
Your situation is a monster, a who the h*ll wants to do this, hugmongous, rip snorting, pain in the butt. It'll wear you out, and make you cross-eyed, but you will gain a lot. And you will encounter good people.
You'll learn about services, and agencies, and what does and doesn't work, and as an added bonus you'll learn about stuff you may need for yourself someday.
I'm blown away at all the great responses to your post.
Learn from others, including your brother and father's siblings. Regarding family, look at them, in a detached way, as the interesting bugs that such a family is. Realize that family is more than blood. Learn their language, it'll be helpful in the future.
You don't have to listen or comment on anything. Politesse is an art form. Have fun with it. Have a bag of talking escape tricks.
Btw, beside waiting for an offer of help from you family, have you actually voiced your need for a break or help from them, or are you just reeling and paralyzed in disbelief. There were times when I've been so stunned that words couldn't come to me.
Have you asked them to perhaps help with research for services for your dad, or make arrangements to get the house or an appliance repaired, or for a lift, or some kind of little assist tailored to what the nincompoops can manage (always with a smile in your voice even when you've popped a blood vessel).
We don't wish bad on anyone but one day, and it might take years, they may come to you saying - Hey, we're in this horrible pickle and you've been through this can you help, or tell us how to manage? Who do we call? And you can smile to yourself and respond - Man, that's terrible, but don't worry, you'll figure it out. And then go on vacation.
I just went thru a weekend of hell with my mother and had to make a very hard decision. I moved her in with me in February 2022 and have had NO help from family, despite reassurances of “We’ll be there for you” and “Just ask if you need help”. She walked out of the house to “walk home” (750 miles away) twice and was verbally abusive, etc.
I should not have called my brother when I was upset, my mistake. But he cussed me out and yelled “What do you want me to do? I told you this was a bad idea!” BTW he’s visited 3 times since she’s been here.
I am moving her into Memory Care next week. It’s for the best for both of us and she will get the care and supervision she needs. I have twinges of guilt and know I will cry when I move her in but it’s time. I can’t take the abuse from her or the anxiety it’s causing her and me.
I’ve realized society, friends and family say the right words but when it comes to backing up those words…they don’t want to spend the time, money or inconvenience that comes with the responsibility.
I got out of the hospital last Wednesday after being bit by a dog- developed an infection in the joint of my little finger and had to have surgery.
While I was in, my husband called me to bitch about various household chores he had to handle and how hard it was for him. I told him not to bother to come visit me as actually, being away from him and in the hospital was a relief even though under crappy circumstances.
When I got home my mom called and said " Oh you are home! Are you settled in? Here's a list of things I need from the store.
My son and next door neighbor were the only truly kind and helpful people in this situation.
I know both my mom and my husband have cognitive issues but still.. I really felt like crap to know that my injury got so little consideration from either of them. Both of them have had Big Medical Drama in their lives I have been there for them and they still carry on endlessly about their maladies.
I just felt so...insignificant. And good ole Resentment reared it's ugly head but it's hard not to feel that way. I am all outta compassion for anyone but me for now.
I remind myself daily I am worthy, deserving of kindness and consideration. I may not get it from the people I wish to receive it from but I am worthy, nonetheless.
I'm so sorry that you are being treated like a doormat...maybe it's time to put up some boundaries. Can you get some help around the house or for your mother so you can get a break? Is there an adult daycare where you are? Possibly some respite care through the local Council on the Aging or county agency?
I hope you are able to get some help and/or some time to yourself.